Game of Thrones for Noobs XVI

The Story Thus Far (Heavy Spoilers!)

Oh man, so everyone freaked out because Hodor could only say, "Hodor," because Oat-Bran's journey through time caused young Hodor to stroke the fuck out and see his future death at the hands of the ice zombies whilst holding a door. Boom. Hodor = "Hold the door!" This was apparently really big news to most GoT fans, but for the rest of us it was like, "Snoooooooooozers!" Also, everyone across the land had a tough time. Arya had to watch a play about her family sucking, Sansa and Jon Snow had to strategize how to fight Ramsay Bolton, Theon and his sister She-on had to hit the road (or the sea, as it were) while their uncle was, like, totally not ashamed about killing his brother by tossing him off an impractically placed rickety rope bridge. Jorrah and that dude from Nashville fully found Dragon Tits, but she was fine and told Jorrah to find a cure for his stone monster-itis. We learned where ice zombies and ice skeletons and ice Nosferatus and ice hags and ice weasels come from, and some other red witch showed up to make Varys' face twist itself into an "I farted" position forever and ever. The good news is that shit finally happened, in a season that has otherwise proven lame as hell. As it stands now, everything is poised to go absolutely apeshit. This writer is pumped that the opening credits are long enough to have written this whole intro and, we assume, the king's wife will be forced to walk through town nude. Let's find out what happened, shall we?

The Gist

Oat-Bran must be dragged through the snow like it's the goddamn Iditerod, while his friend What's-Her-Dick is pissed this is her job. It isn't entirely his fault, though, because Max von Sydow had to upload a bazillion years of memories into his melon so that the next time some legless little bitch shows up to whine about needing to know his family history, Oat-Bran will be able to be his guide.

When he wakes up, he's like, "Oh shit! They found us," and his friend is like, "No shit, you unconscious little asshole!" When the ice zombies arrive to start scything and branding anything they see, the subtitles say "snarling," and the kids almost die until some shady be-cowled weirdo shows up and gets them out of there. Nice timing, shit-dick ... maybe not for Hodor, but for the kids, for sure.

Elsewhere, Jon Snow's pudgy friend and his disproportionately hot wife near their destination, and the wife is aghast because she usually spends all her time on the Wall, and wherever the hell they are is as grassy as it gets. Pudgy is all like, "Oh yeah, I've always loved grass because I can eat a bunch of it when I need to puke." His gross little mustache sparkles along with morning dew on the nearby blades, and he does this romantic comedy thing about being nervous to introduce his lady to his mom and dad who, presumably, will be played by Dustin Hoffman and Barbra Streisand. Turns out his dad doesn't like Wildlings (who does?), but his lady just so happens to be one. Ruh-roh! Also, did you know this guy came from money? His parents' house is super nice, and his mom (not Streisand, sadly) is like, "We're really glad you're here, just so long as you never fucked and/or agreed to raise a child with a Wildling." Pudgy tugs at his collar and gulps like an old cartoon while his dead-eyed kid just sits there looking disgusting. Pudgy's mom also has nice clothes, while he and his wife are practically wearing burlap sacks. This woman has never taken a bath, it seems, but that's the Wildlings for you.

Meanwhile, the High Sparrow is forcing the king to learn the ceremony attached to that thing where he makes women who like sex walk nude through town while a nun shames them. I'd like to take the time to say I hope none of you are letting your kids watch this shit. Mostly because it's weird that women aren't allowed to like banging in Westeros, but also because the rest of it is nuts as well. Young King What's-His-Shit is allowed to see Margaery, and she's worried about her brother, while the lumber pile in her mouth that she's callin' teeth remain as white as a freshly washed tablecloth, despite having been in prison for who-knows-how-long. She's got nice eyes, though, so we'll forgive her for so obviously smuggling a toothbrush into jail. The king asks how her brother, Slow-Lorus, is doing, and she says a bunch of stuff about how he needs to atone. For fucking what!? Has she been brainwashed, or is she simply pretending and later she's gonna stab the king of homeless dudes?

A quick check-in with Pudgy and company makes us wonder why they bothered to cut away to the king, and the dude somehow looks worse in nice clothes than that sack from before. His pissed-off dad could spot a Wildling woman from a mile away, too, and the dinner is very uncomfortable. Mom tries to smooth it over, but it doesn't go well. Pudgy's sister makes snide remarks about their dad's ability to be cool, and Dad is like, "Damn, Pudgy, you fat!"

Yeesh. If he's lucky, though, his Wildling wife will throw him a pity blowie later, and even if she doesn't, she regales them with the tale of the time Lord Pudge happened to slay an ice zombie. But oh no! She accidentally spills the beans about being from someplace else! Gulp! Well, they kept that secret for about two seconds. Way to draw it out, GoT. Dad is ... pissed. No wonder everyone murders everyone else around here: Their childhoods are shit. Hell, their adulthoods are shit! Dad's one of those old-time racists, but Mom is all about acceptance and wants the woman to feel welcome. Dad kicks li'l Pudgy out anyway, and he's like, "I leave at daybreak," and the woman wants to scale bone mountain one last time, to no avail. Nobody cares, because this dude isn't Jon Snow or, like, a Stark or something. And while the woman's puffy dress rustles in the drafty old castle, Pudgy grabs his weird little family and takes off into the night with his dad's sword.

We rejoin Arya who, at this point, has probably seen this play about her family about a hundred times while she waits for the chance to poison the actress her faceless wizard of a boss has told her to kill. She does happen to see a representation of the much-celebrated Red Wedding, and that shit makes her laugh, as it did to all of us who don't know what is happening with this ridiculous show.

Anyway, it's a good time for her to be poisoning fools, and so, armed with that info about her target being the only one who likes to drink rum, she does just that and sneaks off to await the inevitable demise of Lady Crane. But whoops—she gets busted on her way out by the very woman she's meant to kill. It seems she kinda likes the woman, after all, and she actually breaks the first rule of being a faceless assassin, which is to, like, not make friends with people you're gonna kill. Womp womp. Arya relates to her some acting tips and gives Ramsay a run for his money in the creepy-eye competition. They do that thing where she almost drinks the poison a bunch of times but then doesn't, and before you know it, Arya is back to save her life and to cause trust issues within the company of actors. The wizard Faceless Fred ain't going to like that one bit, but that's cool, because Arya remembers where she hid that tiny little sword of hers some months ago. From within his face extraction lab, he tells that one bitchy little girl of his to kill Arya. Exciting? Maybe to longtime watchers. For us noobs, though, well, we just don't give a shit.

We rejoin Margaery, who is about to embark on her naked walk of sadness. The High Sparrow talks all kinds of shit as Jamie Lannister rides up with an army of synchronized soldiers. Jamie makes death threats, but the High Sparrow is not fazed. He says he'd be psyched to die for the gods but also that he'll hand Margaery over all the same.

Maybe this guy's a little punk and nothing more? You bet. How did he rise to power, anyway? Turns out that Margaery had converted her husband to the church, which means no naked sadness walk. It is the very definition of church and state coming together, and that's pretty lame. The people seem to like it, though, I guess. Jamie's fake hand trembles, and he wonders where his sister is so he can bang off some steam. Oh gross. How did that sentence come to be? This is my life, you guys. Anyway, Tommen tells Jamie to chill the fuck out, because now that the crown has found god(s), Jamie gots to get got. Or leave town. Whatever. Either way.

Elsewhere, the janitor guy from Harry Potter tells his employees to take over some town called Riverrun while he hits his daughter. Everyone else in his dinner hall thinks he might be wigging out a little too hard, but he keeps telling them all that he wants to own that damn town. Then out comes some guy called Lord Edmure, who I've never seen once in my life before now. Another big deal lost on a new-ish watcher of the show.

We obviously have to check in with Cersei and Jamie again, and there are plans put in motion to kill everyone they can in an effort to fuck up the church. They're getting all worked up from the murder talk, and it's getting pretty gross. Thank the Lord it cuts back to Bran and his pal and that mysterious dude who saved them before. He's practically Aragorn, only with all kinds of face burns. But whoops, it's Bran's Uncle Benjen. They sit around in an icy clearing, speaking about magic and what it means to be the Three-Eyed Raven, while the uncle is like, "Check out my bodacious face wounds!"

Back in the arroyos south of Horse-Guy-Opolis, Daenerys is already making plans to do something crazy. She wants to "take what's mine," and her boyfriend tells her she has way too many nicknames, but "Dragon Tits" is still the best one. Her whole little detachment of army dudes has to just stand around in the damn arroyo while she rides off to God-knows-where and rejoins her dragon, the one whose name is Dragon.

About fucking time, dude. Dragon just dragons it up while the horse guys freak out, and the guy from Nashville thinks to himself that it's pretty cool he's bonin' this woman who can make dragons do whatever she wants. She makes another fucking speech about what people are going to do for her, but they're all right with it, because if there's one thing these equine-lovers are into, it's slashin' throats. Also growing beards, so ... yeah. They obviously all cheer for her because they're afraid she'll burn them alive. It's kind of her thing she likes to do.

The Pros

Hmmm ... hard to say what they may have been, since it went from last week's action to another slow build to something. Dragons are always cool, but it's just not really enough. It was cool to see Pudgy stand up for his family, but given the other things people have done, it wasn't much.

The Cons

Another exposition fest, and those wind up being boring. Hodor may have died from pretty much nothing. It's always super gross to see those Lannisters make out.

The Grade: C

No, this week didn't suck as much as some of the others, but it still wasn't that great. Perhaps we'll get another action-packed episode next week, but this episode dragged on forever and ever and ever.

Santa Fe Reporter