The Crooning of the Cuckoo

Love & Sex 2013

During passionate lovemaking, according to the Kama Sutra, "Animal sounds may also be used like those of the cuckoo, the parrot, the dove, the green pigeon, the flamingo, the sparrow, the goose or even the bee."

Imitating the birds and the bees might arouse some people, but the suggestion assumes that one has already found a mate.

Fortunately, in this modern era, it is only too easy to use these same techniques as a means of attraction. Anyone who has recently attended a karaoke night knows what I'm talking about. There are several places in Santa Fe that are willing to regularly amplify the squawking of all those who need a stage on which to puff out their chest feathers.

The best spot, if not in terms of quality, at least in terms of entertainment value, used to be Applebee's. There was a glorious period of about a year and a half when Saturday Applebee's night coincided with Saturday karaoke night. The brave volunteers of that time weren't necessarily the most skilled singers, nor the most energetic, but they were certainly the most diverse—in other words, it wasn't all Journey and Johnny Cash.

Diversity goes a long way when it comes to both karaoke and finding a mate. But, devastatingly, Applebee's karaoke went the way of the dodo all too soon. According to a hostess, who preferred not to be named, the series ended almost two months ago, because "there were just too many...[long pause]...problems going on."

That still leaves Santa Feans eager to croon with two viable options: Cowgirl's long-running Monday night series, with host Michele Leidig, and Tiny's semi-institutional Saturday night series, with Nanci and Cyndy.

It isn't easy to choose between the two. People who go to karaoke on a Monday night tend to be either more professional or more desperate; at the same time, celebrities have been known to serenade the Cowgirl audience. Tiny's, on the other hand, offers the kind of oddly compelling-yet-repelling karaoke that one might expect to find in a Coen brothers film. To its credit, the event is held in a sort of perpetual twilight darkness, meaning there's less chance of being recognized by the audience.

Luckily, choosing between the two isn't necessary. Going twice a week doubles one's chances of attracting a mate, and to that end, a short perusing of the Kama Sutra before leaving the house isn't a bad idea.

The hallowed tome offers several pointers on how to make oneself more attractive. For instance, "if the bone of a peacock or of a hyena be covered with gold, and tied on the right hand, it makes a man lovely in the eyes of other people."

Obvious enough. And when appearing lovely just isn't enough, "Drinking milk, mixed with sugar, and having the testicle of a ram or a goat boiled in it, is productive of [sexual] vigor."

Also good advice, but it makes me wonder...maybe one of the problems the Applebee's hostess was so reluctant to elaborate upon was repeated demands for boiled ram's testicle sugar-milk.

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