Savage Love

After spending some years in the doldrums after having kids, my husband and I are now enjoying hot kinky sex and the occasional free pass to fuck other people. We couldn't be happier. I have a friend who was extremely keen for me to cage his cock with the same kind of locking male chastity device I got for my husband—a fixed-ring stainless-steel type. I have two questions: (1) It took some maneuvering to get my husband's balls through one by one, followed by his cock, but he managed. Is it okay for his balls to swell up tight, get cold, and go purple when he's wearing the cock cage and he is aroused? He says it doesn't hurt, and he is wearing it only while I peg him—a couple of hours tops. I worry that even though he can squeeze into the ring, he might be cutting off circulation and doing damage. (2) My friend couldn't get his balls and cock into the cage. His balls never dropped as a child, so he had an operation that pulled them down but fixed them in place. Consequently they sit "high and tight" and can't be pulled away from his body. Can you recommend a cage that might fit him? He is into total submission and orgasm denial, and he wants to experience long-term forced chastity and relinquish control of his dick to me. (Hot, right?!) If a cage can't work for him, are there other toys/methods I can use to give him that sense of surrendered cock and loss of control?

-Bitch Ably Locking Lucky Sluts Up Properly

1. "The first rule of thumb when it comes to male chastity is this: If the balls go blue or cold, take the fucking cock cage off!" said Christopher Miers, the founder and creative force behind Steelwerks (steelwerksextreme.com), purveyors of the world's finest male chastity devices.

"I'm a firm believer in play safe, stay comfortable, and cause pain or discomfort only when it's asked for and nobody is at risk of long-term damage," said Miers. "So for the sake of their marriage and the longevity of their hot kinky sex life, BALLSUP needs to get her guy a cage that keeps him trapped but still in the realm of safe!"

A short primer for readers who aren't familiar with male chastity devices: Most are anchored in place by a ring that goes around the shaft and behind the balls. The penis slides into a cylinder that attaches to the top of the ring, and the cylinder prevents erections and can even punish erections. (Some are lined with spikes.) Once the chastity device is locked—cheaper ones with a wee padlock, custom ones with something more artful—there's no way to remove it (and free the cock) without tearing the balls off.

Back to you, BALLSUP: Miers has been creating custom-made, high-quality stainless-steel male chastity devices for 15 years—so he's the recognized expert on male chastity devices here, not your husband. Listen to Miers and toss the device you're using now and get your husband a chastity cage that doesn't turn his balls purple. You may have to experiment with some other designs and an assortment of cock rings before you find the one that locks his cock down without choking his balls off.

"I often hear from guys who wear cages made with a one-piece, slip-on-style cock ring that it allows them to slip in easily and comfortably—but a lot of guys can remove these chastity devices even when they're locked," said Miers. "But a cage with a smaller, more secure cock ring often results in a cock ring that is too tight, especially when the person is using cheaper, mass-produced cages. The best chastity devices are ones that come with a cock ring that can be opened via a hinge or taken apart—then you can get a ring that might be too small to push his balls through using the one-ball-after-the-other method, but because the ring comes apart, getting it on and off is much easier while providing the safety and inescapability both parties are looking for."

2. "I encountered my first client with the 'balls not dropping issue' a few years back, and it is a challenge when it comes to chastity," said Miers. "For most of these guys, I encourage a PA as a means of anchoring a lightweight chastity device." (A PA, also known as a Prince Albert, involves poking a bonus hole in the urethra below the head of the cock and putting a ring through it.) "A PA combined with a chastity device is the most durable and secure way to lock a guy's cock up for long-term orgasm denial and forced chastity play."

But if your friend can handle some pressure on his balls, BALLSUP, a traditional style chastity device with a hinged or two-piece cock ring might work.

"Because his balls sit high and tight, it is important that the scrotal gap (the gap between the front of the cock ring and the tube opening) isn't too tight, as this could possibly put more pressure on his balls," said Miers. "The last option would be a full chastity belt. While some of the belts out there are incredibly sexy and completely secure, experience and client feedback tell me that in the long-term, these are not ideal for a guy who wants to be kept in chastity every day." You can follow Christopher Miers on Twitter @steelwerks.

I'm a 29-year-old bi female living on the East Coast, and I've been in a relationship for three months. It's been a few years since I've dated anyone seriously, and I'm really enjoying it. We have a good relationship so far, and he's great in a lot of ways, but that's part of the problem. Next summer, he will be moving back to his hometown in the Midwest. I just started my dream job, so there's no way I would follow him. I'm uncertain about doing the long-distance thing. Since we're only three months into this, should I cut my losses and call it quits and move on? Or should I enjoy these next six months and let the chips fall where they may, whether it's the end of the relationship or the transition to long-distance?

-Impending Expiration Date

Anything could happen in the next six months. You could lose your dream job, this guy could decide not to return to his Midwestern hometown after all, or you could turn on the news and learn a mega-tsunami 300 feet high is racing toward the East Coast and you have eight hours to get the fuck out before your city is washed off the map—and at that point, your boyfriend's hometown in the Midwest might not look so bad. (Really! It could happen: youtu.be/Fzm49fUSCPk.) So keep dating this guy because, hey, you never know. What you want and where you want to be can change radically in six months' time.

Since you had the ability to make Santorum what he is today (a substance, not a senator), would you promote the new meme that Trump = dump? As in "I have to take a trump" or "I just took a major trump—like a transatlantic-cable trump."

-Gross Old Politicians

I'm Dan Savage and I approve this meme.

I am a 30-year-old straight man and I've been with a 28-year-old bisexual woman for a year. Early in our relationship, after much discussion, we established that it would be open. I would have the liberty to see other women and so would she. We just had to be safe and always keep each other informed. The key was that she agreed to see only other women. I was uncomfortable with the idea of her being with another man, and she went along with it. Fast-forward a few months, and she told me that she had drunkenly kissed a male coworker. Hearing her say that hurt me. However, since then she has explained to me that the rule that she can be only with women is unfair because she's bisexual and she's attracted to both men and women. I can see whomever I might find attractive, but she has to limit herself. After much soul-searching, I came around to her point of view and she now has the option to see men too. My question: How do I deal with the jealousy and emotions that will come up when she does kiss another man? Or does even more with another man? We love each other, and I think it's important to note that while we have both been on dates with other people, neither of us has had sex with someone else yet.

-Having Emotional Reaction Means Asking Nervously

"Hard Truth #1: Renegotiating is crucial to the survival of all long-term relationships—even more so in unconventional, custom-designed relationships where there's no established template," said Christopher Ryan, author of Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships. "And while I don't see any unfairness in HERMAN's girlfriend wanting to have the same freedom he has (to see whomever she wants), if he agreed to the open relationship on the condition that she 'see only other women,' then renegotiating is going to be difficult."

Your description of that particular limitation—only other women—as "key" to opening up your relationship, HERMAN, left Ryan feeling less than optimistic.

"Hard Truth #2: It's a time-wasting mistake to negotiate nonnegotiables," said Ryan. "I'm not saying we shouldn't be willing to learn and grow by trying new things. But our first task is to 'know thyself' and take it from there. For example, if you're certain you want or don't want kids, then that shouldn't be open to negotiation just because you met someone you like (or love) whose dreams go the other way."

Assuming you're willing to renegotiate, HERMAN, where do you start?

"Perhaps the question of why he's more bothered by her being with men than women," said Ryan. "Maybe he could ask her to set up a three-way with a man they both like so he can face the dragon, so to speak. See if the flip side of his fear isn't that he's actually turned on by the thought of her with other men. Lots to explore, once he's certain he wants to explore it. But, again, if this is a nonnegotiable—if this really isn't something HERMAN wants, despite his desire to be fair—it might be better to end the relationship than to attempt to be someone he's not or agree to something he'll never be at peace with."

Follow Christopher Ryan on Twitter @ChrisRyanPhD, and check out his podcast (Tangentially Speaking), videos, and swag at ChrisRyanPhD.com.

What are your thoughts on two Doms sharing one sub? The scene I envision includes the domination of the other Dom. Do some Doms enjoy the submission to another Dom while also enjoying dominating the sub? It's probably best to put it into the context of my fantasy. I tie my sub to a chair or tie her down and then send a Snapchat to her other Dom. I invite the other Dom to come over and have his way with her. I would then leave, but they must stop immediately when I return, no matter where they are. The other Dom must then leave, and I do what I want from that point. Is this something I should talk with the other Dom about beforehand or should I just do it and see what happens? I've talked to my sub, and she is really into that scene, but she doesn't know how her other Dom would feel about it.

-Dominate Other Man

Sharing a sub could strike me as a great/hot idea, DOM, but my feelings are irrelevant—the scene isn't going to work if the other Dom thinks the idea is terrible/lame. That said, I don't see any harm in waiting until your sub is tied down to propose this scene—lay out the details out in advance on Snapchat, not once he's in the room, so he'll be free to take a pass if the scene doesn't appeal to him. But by waiting, you run the risk of discovering, after it's all set up, after you've sent the Snapchat, that her other Dom loves the idea but is out of town/watching the GOP debate/sitting shivah/whatever.

Longtime reader and listener (magnum podcast subscriber!) here, and I have a conundrum. My partner and I have a DADT agreement in regards to extramarital relations. I'm a fortysomething woman who travels a lot on business, and I find those trips a great opportunity to have NSA flings with younger men, all in good fun. So far, Tinder seems to be a good way to meet people, and I try to take precautions to ensure they are who they say they are by checking them out on social media and meeting them first in a public place. But a girl can't be too careful. Sometimes I wish I had someone I could call and just say, "Hey, I'm hosting a stranger tonight at my hotel. Could you call me at a specific time to check he hasn't chopped me up into little pieces?" My partner can't be that person because of the whole DADT thing. My friends don't know about my flings. And the front desk seems inappropriate. Is there an app out there providing this kind of service? Or does someone need to create one?

-Seeks Discreet Call Service

A Tinder-like app to hook up random people who are about to hook up with other random people so the randos who met via the Tinder-like app can verify neither was murdered by the randos they met via Tinder itself? Sounds a little complicated, SDCS, and I'm not sure the market for your proposed app is big enough to attract investors. I also don't think introducing a second potentially unreliable and/or sinister stranger into the mix is going to make your hotel hookups appreciably safer.

Here's a better idea/simpler life hack: Schedule a wake-up call for an hour or two after your Tinder rando is due to arrive. You can schedule wake-up calls for any time of day, SDCS, and in nicer hotels you can even ask the front desk to ring you personally instead of scheduling a robocall. Just tell the receptionist you're a heavy sleeper and you need them to verify that you're awake/alive in time for your big meeting.

Or you could take a risk and confide in a friend about your open marriage, your flings, and your need for a safety buddy.

12.23.15 - On the Lovecast, Dan chats with Roberta Kaplan, the attorney who slew DOMA: savagelovecast.com.

12.30.15 - Start the New Year right and subscribe to the Savage Lovecast: savagelovecast.com.

Santa Fe Reporter