Y’all Hate Jokes, Apparently
It’s funny that just last week we were talking about the people who read L’Fork’s revolutionary Hamilton, set down their phones or laptops or whatever—and then fully raged out like it’s the worst thing to happen to them. Why so funny? Well, because we did a little Instagram takeover over the @sfreporter account over last weekend. The joke was that we’d somehow “hacked” the account, and that SFR staff was trying to stop us from posting a bunch of sincerely stupid jokes about forks...and it was apparently quite literally the WORST THING TO HAPPEN TO ANYONE ANYWHERE EVER. Let’s look at the evidence:
It started simply, with a solid gold fork, about which we were told:
Later, we riffed a little on Twilight, specifically the name of the town in which the vampire saga takes place, Forks, Washington:
Now, some people liked this indeed:
Others, however, were not amused:
There was a jaunty (and fake) back and forth for awhile:
And then some other stuff happened wherein we were accused of destroying journalism and people started emailing our bosses with genuine concern that we’d gone mad. We ultimately relented (despite how much fun we were having). Don’t worry, though—some people clearly understood:
And the point is this: Sometimes you just wanna have fun on Instagram, and you can follow @sfreporter or @theforksfr because we’re both obviously very cool. And while we agree the platform can and should and is used for important information, if you’re really looking for news reporting, it’s always better to pick up a paper or go to the SFR site (sfreporter.com) than to expect a single photo to be all the information you could possibly need. Also, here’s our cousin:
We’re probably gonna put a moratorium on Patio List soon, just because restaurants can officially start serving indoors again. We’ll leave it here this week (and bring it back should anything change). Do note that this is in no way a complete list—we’re just one Fork in a sea of patios.
- Pantry Dos (The place so nice they built it twice)
- Plaza Café Southside (This is also a place that’s nice and exists twice)
- Flying Tortilla (Solid-ass New Mexican brekkie)
- Outback Steakhouse (It’s open, that’s all we can say about it)
- Tomasita’s (A classic and one of the only places with honey butter)
- La Choza (The undisputed champ of all things red and green)
- Sazón (Killer wine list, sometimes crickets on the menu)
- La Boca (Read SFR’s regular food coverage last week for more)
- Dinner for Two (Date nightn and DJs)
- Arroyo Vino (A fresh garden and unstoppable wine list)
- Museum Hill Café (The nachos are no joke, plus live music)
- Paloma (A local fave with killer tacos and desserts)
- Andiamo (Andiamo indeed for Italian food)
- Arable (Eldorado gloriousness)
- La Plancha (Also Eldorado gloriousness)
- 315 Restaurant & Wine Bar (An affordable bar menu plus lots more)
- Gabriel’s (They make guac at your tableside)
- Root 66 Vegan Café (Vegan food you actually wanna eat)
- La Casa Sena (The most beautiful patio ever around, some say)
- Restaurant Martín (Chef Martín Rios is Beard-nominated!)
- Santa Fe Bite (Best burgers that ever burg’d)
- Annapurnua’s World Vegetarian Café (You’ll feel better eating there)
- Izanami (Up a mountain and full of amazing Japanese jamz)
- Paper Dosa (Dosas on our miiiiiiiiind)
- Harry’s Roadhouse (Legendary patio, legendary food)
- Clafoutis (Do you like French cooking? Yeah, you do)
- Midtown Bistro (That patio’s won awards—no joke)
- Tune-Up Café (We like brekkie, lunch and dinner here)
- El Nido (You fancy and smart if you go here)
- El Farol (Sam Shepard loved this place and you can, too)
- Santacafé (Fine dining at its finest)
- Coyote Café (Same owner as Santacafé, same amazing)
- The Teahouse (One of our all-time faves for brekkie or lunch)
- TerraCotta Wine Bistro (Wine-ing and dine-ing like some kinda movie star)
- Pizzeria da Lino (Splurge on the buffalo mozz)
- Vinaigrette (We’d step over our mother for the Omega salad)
- Rose’s Kitchen (Brand new food truck, brand new dreams)
- El Chile Toreado (Try the hot dogs, no kidding)
- Blackbird Saloon (Fly into the heart of a patio dining night)
- San Marcos Café & Feed Store (For you and your mule)
- The Chocolate Maven (Brekkie all day and weekend brunches)
- The Compound (We heart Chef Mark Kiffin!)
- Cafecito (Did we have a killer grilled cheese here? Yes, dammit!)
- Santa Fe Bar & Grill (True story, a friend of ours used to work there, so...)
- Kohnami (Not just the code for extra lives, but bento boxes, too!)
- Pizza Centro (Better than your friend who has “been to New York” says)
- Santa Fe Capitol Grill (Puts the U in Southside)
- Rio Chama (Remember when they had a smoker’s lounge?)
- Tortilla Flats (Just as Steinbeck envisioned)
- The Ranch House (BBQ for U+U)
- L’Olivier (Only open through August then it’s goodbye forever)
- Valentina’s (In Casa Solana and one hell of a torta)
- The Bull Ring (Y’all can eat steaks if you want, we’re not your mom)
- Loyal Hound (Where the hounds are loyal)
- New York Deli (When you want brekkie all day)
- Cowgirl (Everybody’s favorite bartender...seriously, she’s won awards)
- Market Steer Steakhouse (Seriously, just have the steak)
- Radish & Rye (So much whiskey)
- Sweetwater Harvest Kitchen (Where the water’s sweet)
- Los Magueyes (Live music, too, from what we hear)
- Savuer (Sammies for you and for us)
- Del Charro (Killer patio, killer margs, affordable food)
- Fire & Hops (Now with more fire and more hops)
- Dolina (Pastries foreeeeevvveeeerr! *sung like Courtney Love)
- Café Grazie (The Mediterranean—good enough for Leonard Cohen, good enough for you)
- Beer Creek (Beer and pizza—is there anything else?)
- Counter Culture (They don’t take cash, but it’s soooo good)
- Caffe Grecco (That chile? Oooweeeee!)
- Santa Fe Capitol Grill (It’s the capitol grill, you guys)
- Jinja (The bar menu’s insane)
- Fiesta Oaxaca (Like a party in your mouth and everyone’s invited)
- Yama’s Greek Rotisserie (You can’t imagine how often we’ve heard a bouzouki)
-We cannot tell you how pumped we are to know about Saya’s Frybread & Indian Tacos—a new food truck in Santa Fe that offers the things in its name. We haven’t tried it yet, but it’s on our list big time. If you click that link we gave you up there, it’ll take you to the Facebook page, and that’ll tell you where it’ll be on any given day. Our bosses are reportedly working on a story, too, so we should all know more soon!
-We wish we had called last week’s newsletter, “Ah, So You’ve Discussed We.” Just sayin’.-We worried that we didn’t properly point out the reopening of Café Pasqual’s last week...so we jsut wanna remind you that Café Pasqual’s has reopened for takeout.
-If you receive the email version of The Fork, you may have seen a news item here that stated Dolina was closed due to COVID-19, but in the time since we sent out that email, we’ve since learned the restaurant is back open, triple-cleaned and ready to go with all of its staff having tested negative for the virus. Apologies if we caused any confusion—it was just unfortunate timing.
-Tumbleroot Brewery & Distillery, meanwhile, has reopened its doors with an altered schedule. Things change pretty quick these days, so maybe call them first?
-If you click this link, you’ll be whisked away to a social media account for Fusion Tacos LLC, and we invite you to scroll down to the photo with the caption that begins “BIRRIA TACO PACK!” We haven’t had this item (we don’t eat meat, did you know that?), but it looks beautiful and we can only believe it’s going to help the people of our fair city.
-The chocolatiers of Sweet Santa Fe recently had some dark chocolate Zozobras up for order, and with more than 25 truffle flavors on hand at all times, even if you can’t get them Zozos, you’re sure to find something else worthwhile.
-Lastly in local info for this week, Robert McCormick of the Santa Fe Foodies Facebook group has pledged a homemade Cuban flan for whomever becomes the 2,000th “like.” At the time of this writing, there were 1,991, so...
-Yes, here’s a map of the US broken down by what states prefer what pizza chains. Spoiler? America effing loves Little Caesar’s. Now, we’re not so mucky-muck that we can’t enjoy a good $5 hot ’n’ ready, but we’d point out that the low price is probably exactly why they’re so popular. Us? We like Pizza Centro in Santa Fe.
-In its never-ending quest to eat up real estate with things that make older people shake their fists at clouds, Amazon announced it will open a “dark” Whole Foods store in Brooklyn, which is to say that it’s a grocery store, but it pretty much just fulfills online delivery orders. Too bad, too, because when we read “dark” store, we got to thinking about how much we’d love a dimly-lit grocery store. Lights are trash. Florescent never!
-Setting aside how we’re furious that every page on the Bon Appétit site loads a full-page ad AND a popup “subscribe” box, we’re very much interested in this piece about Healthy Hyna founder Lorena Ramirez. Not only do we think it’s awesome to have a plant-based wellness platform based in Chiacno culture, we’re excited for other meatless things out in the world (we don’t eat meat. Did you know that?)
-Remember how we told you that Lucky Charms marshmallows (the Sea Monkeys of marshmallows) would now come in bags on their own? In not really related but maybe it’s almost the same news, you can now order custom bags of Sour Patch Kids—and you can go all blue, all red, however you want. We like a variety of flavors, because if we’re gonna cut our mouth up good, we want it to at least be full of flavor.
-The rapper Master P has released a pancake mix/syrup duo as an alternative to Aunt Jemimah, and we love it. Profits will reportedly go to charities focused on black communities.
In the print edition of SFR, they pulled out the Restaurant Guide words to highlight a few of our favorite local spots like The Teahouse, Arable and Café Castro.
A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Fork’s Correspondence
Number of Letters Received: 37 *OK, so we lost a hundred this week. No big.
Most Helpful Tip of the Week (a barely edited letter from a reader): The wont v want debacle *Yes, we did something wrong. Do y’all have to be so celebratory about it?
Actually Helpful Tip: “Sometimes you’ve gotta drop an F-bomb.” *Fuck yes, we do....and we hope you like ‘grammin’, too—moy-yay.
At the request of our best friend Bob, here’s a restaurant-heavy video from rapper Pop Smoke that rips and is filmed in all kinds of Parisian restaurants. There’s a little swearing in it, so start clutching your pearls now, we guess. RIP, Smoke.