Responding to Your Missives

We wanted to take this week to get into one of our very favorite ongoing segments—short answers to readers' burning questions! We're doing this for a couple reasons: We're swamped and tired and it seemed easier than staying up all night researching things like APE-ricots and Pee-CAWNS, and because we've received no shortage of mail lately. 

We chalk this up to a few things, such as how many of you are bored right now. And how many of you don't have a lot going on. And how many of you think it's a good use of your time to angrily type at an anonymously written tongue-in-cheek food newsletter with the rage and passion of a billion suns flaring up into existence and then burning out into the long, cold, endless season of dark. 

Or you're just cool readers (most of you) who wanna engage with us, and we can get down with that. It's like the time we tweeted at an actor whose work we like, and they tweeted back, "Hey, thanks Fork, thanks for that!" and we were like, "Oh. Em. Gee." We figure you feel exactly the same way. So anyway, let's get into it—SHORT ANSWERS TO READERS' BURNING QUESTIONS!!!

“Arrogant.”

Not really a question, but are you talking to us? If so, word.

“My boss has an apricot tree, but he’s been a bit parsimonious in showering me with apricots. He’s also teased me with pictures of zucchini and tomatoes, and tales of the fabulous meals he’s creating with them, do you think a jury would give me a large cash reward if I filed an emotional cruelty lawsuit?”

If we’re being honest here, probably not. But we do think that’s mean...or jokey? Hard to say, but we do think that folks with fruit trees should share when possible.

“Can you put together a list with all the local places doing outside service?”

We’ve received a lot of mail asking this very question, and we’ve been telling our readers that it would be too insurmountable a labor mountain to climb for us to phone every single place around town asking them what’s what, especially with that new permitting thing that allows restaurants to expand their dining to outdoor areas (La Boca on Marcy Street is a great example of this, shoutout to chef James Campbell Caruso). Instead, we asked readers to send us places at which they FOR SURE dined, so we’ll include a few (not all—and we can’t be clear enough about the “not all” part because last time we said we were doing “a few” of something, the snarky emails about how that wasn’t everything seemed to have missed the point) places our readers tell us are FOR SURE doing patio service. We’ll add more each week as we’re able.

“Who are you?”

Awwww, you new here?

“Fork, you surely eat out a lot, what’s your favorite place in all of Santa Fe?”

Dang, that’s a super-hard question. Ummmmm...well, we’re big fans of La Choza and Atrisco and we love Felipe’s Tacos and...actually, Felipe’s might be the one that would really bum us out if they closed.

“What are you doing this weekend?”

We get asked this a lot, too, and we’re just hanging at home. What are you doing?

“Where have you ordered from the most, Fork, during the pandemic?”

We get asked this one a whoooooole lot as well, and we’re here to tell you that pizza’s the most ready-to-go ordering-in food. Although, we did pick up a pizza from Back Road the other day that was awesomely awesome. We also ordered ice cream from La Lecheria as part of that...as in, Back Road has it and you can order it with your pizza, just ask ‘em what flavors are onhand. This was an awesome plan. We’ve also been happy with Posa’s and Sunrise Family Restaurant. Now you know. If we’re being honest, we’re kinda leaning heavily into comfort foods right now, so...

Is this real? Is this really Of Montreal in an Outback commercial? This is like when Starfucker wound up in a Target commercial, but somehow worse.

Here's that Starfucker song—sans Target commercial—both because it's a GREAT name for a band, and because it's a jam and sooooo CATCHY. You're welcome. "But I don't like the band name, Fork, and I give power over my enjoyment of life to words that feel great to say, then yell at others about them!!"

Pshshshst. Outta here with that, puritans!

Also

If you came to the Also section hoping for another wildly gargantuan series of awesomely fun things to read, we hate to disappoint you, but that was then and this was now (and, if we're being honest, we kinda DO want to disappoint you); it's gonna be normal-sized. Sawwy.

-Oh, hello new restaurant—welcome to the hellscape! Naw, just playing. In reality, it's pretty exciting that a former Coyote Café and Geronimo chef like Eduardo Rodriguez has something new going over on Aztec Street in Santa Fe. Zacatlán is here, and the menu is an amazing combo of things like chicken and waffles, veggie tacos (don't worry, you fucking meat-eating maniacs, there's plenty of meat) and more. 

-We're pretty sure we announced it a million years ago, but the dude who owns Violet Crown (whom, we're pretty sure, is named Vio Letcrown), is opening a brewery in ye olde Railyard called Nuckolls, and local media seems to be in a frenzy about it. Mayhap if they read The Fork, they'd be cool like you and us.

-In things that we're straight-up furious about, Boultawn's Bakery (home of the only decent bagel in all of the city) moved from Marcy Street (across from our effing offices, btw) to the ol' macaroni joint at 226 N Guadalupe Street. We hate this and don't want to live on this planet anymore.

Basically us.

More Tidbits

-Bad news for people who buy onions weird (they're available in better ways than some freaking Kroger bunch) as Thomson International Inc. is recalling literally ALL onions from every single dang state out there. Salmonella concerns, it seems. Be aware. 

-In other recall news, José Olé, Casa Mamacita and Walmart brand frozen taquitos have been recalled due to a choking hazard, and more than 38,000 pounds of Food Canada ground beef is apparently no good. Yeesh.

-You know how The Fork famously doesn't give a shit about Chipotle and won't eat there no matter what? Well, we'll also not be picking up anything from their new clothing line, which is apparently dyed with avocado pits. Emblazoned with annoying little statements like "It's OK to be a little extra," not even this shameless millennial cash grab can make us forget the time the chain was charged with violating child labor laws to the tune of 13,000 (yes, thousand) violations. They settled, but we shan't settle when it comes to our burritos.

-Y’know how when you’ve been at Trader Joe’s and you’ve seen products with names like Trader José‘s and Trader Mings on the shelf and though, “Shit, that’s RACIST.”? Welp, the chain disagrees, saying that despite earlier promises it would change those names, it’ll now keep ‘em. “We disagree that any of these labels are racist” and that “we thought then—and still do—that this naming of products could be fun,” a press release reads, “and show appreciation for other cultures.” C’mon, buddies.

-So, ummm, you know how there's a pandemic out there, and even though there have been simple steps laid out about stemming the tide (there's no one perfect answer), people still insist on not viewing workers as human beings? Well, according to Eater, something like 43,000 meat packing workers have come down with COVID-19, and some might just start fighting back. Which they should.

-Here’s a video from delish.com with a gold medal olympian talkin’ diet. There are no Olympics this year. Bummer, right? Not so. Because here’s a piece on how the cities that host the games tend to eff over their poorest citizens so jerks can watch other jerks ice skate or flip off a bar or some dumb shit. But, like, those athletes sure do eat a lot, huh? USA! USA! USA!

¡CROWDSOURCE ALERT!

We've STILL had a number of readers reach out about putting together a list of places that are offering patio service, and we're kinda hoping y'all might drop us a line and help out. We STILL simply don't have the time or wherewithal to call every restaurant in town, so hit us up with your favorites. Oh, and it should go without saying (but we're GONNA say it) that if you're going to these place and sitting on their patios, y'all best be masking and tipping a minimum of 25% No, that's not a joke—consider it hazard pay.

Finally

In the print edition of SFR, our Culture Editor hit the farm to sample a new food truck called Rose's Kitchen—and he did not bring anything back for the rest of us. Buncha bullshit.

A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Fork’s Correspondence 

Number of Letters Received: 47 *Thanks to YOU, dear readers, for sticking up for trans folx.

Most Helpful Tip of the Week (a barely edited letter from a reader): “Last time you said something, but I don’t remember what, but I thought it could help if you... *”Yes, it really trailed off, and no, we don’t know what’s what.

Actually Helpful Tip: ”Lots of beans.”* Oh, always!

Beanfully yours, The Fork