Smart Sex

Wake up with brains! It's natural!

Pssssssst! Bob? Pssssssst!

Yes, I'm here. Why are you whispering and acting all furtive?

Shhhhhhhhhh! Because I need some advice on Santa Fe sex. I mean, this is SFR's annual filthy, smutty sex issue, right?

Yes it is, but I don't know if I'm the right person to help you out. What did you want to know about sex?

How can I get some of it?

Could you be more specific?

I just moved to Santa Fe, and I'm not sure where to find sex. It doesn't seem to be a thing here.

Of course it is! It's natural! What kind of women do you like, assuming you like women, which, of course, you don't have to, because, you know, whatever, it's all natural?

I really like flight attendants. Where do they hang out?

Nowhere. We just have that teeny little airport with a couple of flights a day. Flight attendants land, and then they take off again.

We're a state capital without flight attendants?

Yes, but we do have a cheese shop and a brinery.

I'll ignore that. So tell me, what are Santa Fe chicks like?

They're smart. Very smart.

Smart? All of them?

All the ones I know.

Crap! I should have moved to Arizona instead.

Calm down, dude. Intelligent women unbuckle their concho belts the same way stupid ones do. As we keep saying in this Love & Sex issue, over and over and over, "It's natural!"

So how am I supposed to meet these intelligent women?

Learn to improvise. Like, say you're in Collected Works and you see a woman buying The Road, you just step up and tell her you're the author, Cormac McCarthy.

No way! That really works?

Sure! If you don't believe me, just ask Cormac McCarthy! You'd be surprised how many smart women here think I'm George RR Martin or Jack Handey.

Where else can I meet smart women in Santa Fe?

Anyplace where smart people hang out. You know, Canyon Road art galleries, the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum, sophisticated little cocktail parties up at the Santa Fe Institute…

What about the Santa Fe Opera?

No, that's no good. You have to sit through a six-hour opera, and when it finally ends you won't even be in the mood for sex.

What if I don't like to improvise? Are there some generic pickup lines that will work on the smart chicks here?

Yes. Here's one I often use: "Those are some sexy Birkenstocks, doll! I'd like to see them next to my bed in the morning."

I don't think I could say "sexy Birkenstocks" with a straight face.

Okay, well, I've also had some success with, "Hey, baby, just call me Zozobra, because I'm burning up for you!"

Smart chicks would go for something that stupid?

You have to smile when you say it. See, smart chicks love humor. Trust me.

Bob, I think you're holding back on me. I know you have a primo foolproof Santa Fe pickup line, but you just won't share it.

Well, yes, here it is, but don't tell anyone else: "Hey, gorgeous, I just found Forrest Fenn's treasure. Wanna come back to my place and count doubloons?"

Wow! Thanks, Bob! You know, honestly, I'm kind of afraid these smart chicks will be shocked to see that I have a tattoo.

Nah, Santa Fe women will be shocked to see that you only have one of them.

Okay, one last thing, and it's very personal. Let's say I get lucky and pick someone up. Is there anyplace in town where I can buy exotic lubricants?

You bet! We've got two olive oil shops, right downtown!

Ewwwwwwwwww! You use olive oil for you-know-what?

I sure do! It's natural!

Robert Basler's regular Blue Corn humor column runs twice monthly. Email the author: bluecorn@sfreporter.com

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