Game of Thrones for Noobs XIII

The Story Thus Far

Game of Thrones finally starting catching up with all the characters' perilous situations at the end of last season. It's actually pretty nuts. Oops—I meant boring. A lot has happened, which is especially curious given how it's pretty much designed to force people to watch from the very beginning, which is lame. Tyrion freed the dragons in Meereen (but left them in the basement of the palace for some reason). Brienne and Sansa did a whole fucking bunch of nothing. Ramsay killed his dad and then fed his new baby brother and the Bolton family doula to these dogs. The wizard guy who calls the shots in the House of Black and White revealed himself as that little girl who's been terrorizing Arya "I'm Blind" Stark, and Jon Snow came back to life at the hands of the red-themed witch. Dragon Tits was nowhere to be found.

The Gist

Jon Snow sits up for the first time in ages and has a really good body. His albino wolf pal is like, "Daaaaaayammmm, Jon Snow!" He's understandably freaked out a little, even when the red-themed witch comes in to stand around being hot. He recalls the stabbings and whines about who should or shouldn't be alive. The witch asks about the other side, and Jon Snow makes a speech about the vast nothingness that occurs after death. Whoops! Sorry, organized religions (he said, knowing full-well that Christians' hatred of Harry Potter probably extends to GoT)! Everyone else is freaked out, too, and why wouldn't they be? This dude cannot be killed, and the Watch better watch it. Oh man, bumper sticker alert! Throw in a logo somewhere for the GoT dweebs … sold! Anyway, the Wildlings now regard Snow as a god, apparently, and he's hugging people wherever he can. It's amazing he's up and about, truly. People would probably say things about how he's doing great despite the whole "he died" thing.

We finally figure out what's become of Snow's pudgy pal when we find him on a boat in a raging storm as he's about to puke his guts out. Then he does. My kingdom for a Dramamine, right? His girlfriend explains that she has a fleeting grasp of etymology at best, but they're also super excited to start a new life. But whoops, it turns out Pudgy lied to her about where they were going and instead of this place Oldtown, they're going to the place where he grew up—Shit City, USA. The girlfriend says some more stuff about how he's in charge, and still I sit and wonder, who the hell is writing these women?

We jump to Oat-Bran Stark, who is rocking another vision alongside Max von Sydow that puts them in the grassy hinterlands of some-other-fucking-place beside a lone tower. It is a look into the past of his father, Ned "Boromir/006/Bad Guy from National Treasure" Stark. Now, the casting for young Ned is brilliant, because that motherfucker totally could've grown up to be Sean Bean, but the character could try to be a little more diplomatic with the sword fighter in this flashback.

They fight for some reason (the guys in the flashback, I mean), and most of Stark's buddies get stabbed to death. Stark, however, slashes a throat, so …there's that. Still, five of these dudes can't take on the one guy, but there's no real urgency, because we obviously know that Stark will live long enough to have kids and get his head cut off. Thank God his buddy pops up to stab the fool in the back, although the honor of that is questionable. Anyway, someone in the tower is screaming, but we won't find out who it is for probably a bunch more episodes. Ugh. Back in the present, Bran whines about having shit legs and Max von Sydow whines about being made of tree.

Elsewhere, Dragon Tits makes it to Horse Guy-Opolis, the land of the Dothraki. You'd better believe they tear her clothes off, but it's not what you think—they just want her to dress like them. The priestess of the town is like, "Why didn't you visit after Aquaman died?" And Daenerys just stands there, dumbfounded. Turns out their law states something about how the women have to hang around after their husbands die. Man, being a woman in this world would suck. Anyway, that's what we learn.

Back in Meereen, things are heating up … or so we would think as we watch Varys fan himself like some kind of goddamn Southern plantation owner. He calls this woman in who's afraid of being tortured, but Varys isn't gonna torture her with tools and instruments, he's just gonna talk her ear off. She has a lot of hometown pride, though, and hates that Daenerys blew into town with her dragons to start running the show. Varys blabs about a Freaky Friday-like situation with her and then threatens her kid. Yikes. Anyway, I'm starting to worry this isn't actually Varys, and it's some other bald guy. Shit. Oh well, eff it. He buys her a boat ticket and tells her to leave town.

In another part of the city, Tyrion waits around with some frowny motherfuckers for something or other. He wants to know what their lives are like, but all the dude will tell him is that he patrols around the city. There's a girl there, too, but she mostly thinks Tyrion is full of shit.

It's not really his fault, though, because these people are no fun. Varys shows up (whereupon I learn it totally was him before), and they all argue about what's going to happen to Meereen. If I know this show, nothing will happen to Meereen for, like, a really long time.

We pop in someplace else, the name of which they don't mention, and kids reminisce about candy with the spookiest dude you've ever seen. Oh! They're in the main city where Cersei lives! OK, and this is the spooky wizard guy. Damn, that dude is scary. Cersei and Jamie stop by to call him creepy despite being the creepiest people around, and the massive knight who slays all of Cersei's detractors hangs around like Herman Fucking Munster in the background. Cersei wants little kids to be spies all over the world is the main point of this scene, I guess. In the council chambers of the town, old bastards whine about the good old days as the Lannisters appear to stir shit up. This old lady on the council straight up tells Cersei that her incest shit is gross as fuck. Nothing happens. Damn, this episode is boring.

While this goes down, King What's-His-Dick visits the lord of the homeless, and they argue about religion. Damn, this guy needs to be stopped. The king is pissed about his mom, but they both send their bodyguards out so nobody gets killed. The homeless dude pontificates about how Cersei is full of shit, but she still loves her son. Just like the rest of the scenes in this episode, they speak in circles, and the rest of us are left bored.

Meanwhile, Arya somehow made it back inside the House of Black and White, where she is beaten and broken and still blind. The wizard leader guy spends most of his time as a young girl during this training period, which includes the strengthening of her nonvisual senses. So they're pretty much turning her into Daredevil. Anyway, she totally is good at fighting by the end of the montage and still passes all of the stupid tests. She can even get around without her cane now. The wizard gives her some fancy water to drink and wouldn't you know it—she can see again. So much for that Daredevil theory. Now, as for why she doesn't make a big deal about regaining her sight … well, that's anyone's guess.

Over in Winterfell, Ramsay continues spooking folks and making deals with bearded jerks. It sounds like the Wildlings are coming to slay everyone, with new and improved Zombie Snow. The bearded guy is all, "Fuck oaths!" and then brings Ramsay some kids to fuck with. The music would have us believe it's a real big deal, and it is, because it's that other Stark kid: Rickets, I think is his name.

Lastly, Zombie Snow addresses the Watch with a rousing hanging for the people who killed him. Dude is apparently extra vicious now that he beat death. Some of the soon-to-be-hanged sass him a little, but it's all for naught, because he hangs the shit out them, even that one young kid! It's pretty much the only thing that happens this week and is pretty boring and messed up all at once. Snow is done. He doesn't even want his fur coat anymore! And so he leaves the Watch and the Wall and all he ever knew or loved.

The Pros:

Can we all agree this week super-sucked? OK, OK, OK—young Ned Stark stabbed a throat, but otherwise it was wack.

The Cons:

Can we all agree this week seriously super-sucked?

The Grade: F

Boooo! Slime! Filth! Muck! Rubbish! Booooo! This week's episode was so damn boring, it's criminal. Instead of calling it "Oathbreaker," they should have called it "Set Up for Next Week-er." Even Arya getting her sight back at the end of that goofy montage wasn't exciting, and it's so confusing how they'd bring back Snow and then pay attention to everything else. Oh sure, he got his hangings accomplished plus a sassy exit, but it would have been cool to have more. That's pretty much always the deal with this show.

Santa Fe Reporter