This. Goddamn. Film Series.

Considering how little Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation cares about a coherent story, exciting action set pieces or jokes that aren’t eye-rollers, it’s worth noting that this film is the fifth in a series that has an uncharismatic lead and absolutely jack shit to contribute to the spy genre. Couple that with the fact that the bad guy (Sean Harris) looks like one of the good guys (Simon Pegg), only with a weak chin, and you have the blah-be-de-blah-blah, OH FUCK IT, WHO CARES?

Seriously, is there a guy with less charisma than Tom Cruise’s Ethan Hunt? What hero is named Ethan, for the love of God? Paste eaters are named Ethan.

Anyway, all Cruise’s fading star power can’t make this guy worthy of audience goodwill. Hunt is an empty vessel who runs a lot. Hot shit! Brian De Palma’s big screen update of the faded TV chestnut at least had some tense moments (the silent break-in, for example), but M:I 2 would be one of the worst action movies ever made if it weren’t for M:I 3, which was like watching hack auteur J J Abrams direct an episode of Alias with an unlimited budget.

Brad Bird breathed life into the franchise with Ghost Protocol, but director Christopher McQuarrie, helmer of the much better Tom Cruise vehicle Jack Reacher and the weirdo-good The Way of the Gun, has decided to leave any semblance of giving a rat’s ass on the cutting room floor. For example, the villains are called the Syndicate.

(Aside: THE SYNDICATE! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THE SYNDICATE? THAT'S THE BEST YOU GOT? AT THIS POINT, I'D SETTLE FOR SOMETHING AS LAZY AS "THE MOTHERFUCKERS" OVER THE I'VE-NEVER-HAD-AN-ORIGINAL-THOUGHT "THE SYNDICATE." FOR FUCK'S SAKE.)

Action-wise, there’s a decent motorcycle chase, and Hunt nearly drowns—if only—but bring a pillow because you’ll be nodding off like my grandfather on a warm summer afternoon. I’m sure someone made this joke—but considering how few of Pegg’s land, who gives a whoopie fuck?—but the fact there are five of these things means the missions are entirely possible, no?

Directed by Christopher McQuarrie

With Cruise and whatever

Regal Stadium 14; Violet Crown

131 min. (WHY??)