1. DORITOS FOR HER IS APPARENTLY A VERY REAL THING
    Well, there you go, ladies—gender imbalance fixed forever.
  2. BREWERY TO HOST RANKED-CHOICE PRACTICE ROUND
    Hey! This is New Mexico, we don’t need no stinkin’ beer practice!
  3. A FEW SNOWFLAKES FELL ON THE MOUNTAIN
    In related news, we’re all gonna die this summer … from being on fire.
  4. SEN. JERRY ORTIZ Y PINO INTRODUCES RECREATIONAL MARIJUANA PROPOSAL
    We never tire of this advice: Puff, puff, PASS!
  5. NATIONAL INSTITUTES OF HEALTH STUDY FINDS CELLPHONE RADIATION AFFECTS ANIMALS
    Have fun at that City Council meeting, everybody.
  6. STOCK MARKET PLUMMETS
    But at least Saturday Night Live will have some good material.
  7. PATRIOTS LOSE SUPER BOWL
    We now resume your regularly scheduled mundane lives. Up next, a hundred years of grim existential crises.