Is it too early to declare the Jupiter
Ascending the worst movie of 2015? Probably, but there's going to have to
be some serious shit out there to compete with it.
How bad is it? Imagine a terrible,
extra-long episode of Star Trek: The
Original Series plus the nonsensical plot machinations of David Lynch's Dune.
Then add some serious anti-feminism. (How many times does Mila Kunis get
rescued by Channing Tatum in this flick?) Then take the humans-are-batteries
subplot from the Wachowskis’ Matrix movies to add to Jupiter’s
other derivations. Then throw in a bunch of hackneyed jokes about Stalin
because, you know, all Russians who weren't alive during his rule talk about
him all the time. Then add enough exposition to make Casino-era Martin
Scorsese blush. Then make a big part of the plot about contract negotiation and
bureaucracy—because that's what audiences want to see. And finally, make it
look like Terry Gilliam directed a seven-minute segment in the middle.
Do all those things and you'll still
be nowhere near how wretched Jupiter Ascending is. The action scenes are
boring and repetitive; the dialogue laughable. Biggest surprises: Tatum plays
it straight, and does pretty well as a human-wolf thing. Plus, Sean Bean lives!
by the Wachowskis
Tatum, Kunis and Bean
Santa Fe Reporter
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