Is it too early to declare the Jupiter Ascending the worst movie of 2015? Probably, but there's going to have to be some serious shit out there to compete with it.

 

How bad is it? Imagine a terrible, extra-long episode of Star Trek: The Original Series plus the nonsensical plot machinations of David Lynch's Dune. Then add some serious anti-feminism. (How many times does Mila Kunis get rescued by Channing Tatum in this flick?) Then take the humans-are-batteries subplot from the Wachowskis’ Matrix movies to add to Jupiter’s other derivations. Then throw in a bunch of hackneyed jokes about Stalin because, you know, all Russians who weren't alive during his rule talk about him all the time. Then add enough exposition to make Casino-era Martin Scorsese blush. Then make a big part of the plot about contract negotiation and bureaucracy—because that's what audiences want to see. And finally, make it look like Terry Gilliam directed a seven-minute segment in the middle.

 

Do all those things and you'll still be nowhere near how wretched Jupiter Ascending is. The action scenes are boring and repetitive; the dialogue laughable. Biggest surprises: Tatum plays it straight, and does pretty well as a human-wolf thing. Plus, Sean Bean lives!

 

JUPITER ASCENDING

Directed by the Wachowskis

With Tatum, Kunis and Bean

Regal Stadium 14

PG-13
127 min.