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1. TRUMP MEETS WITH MUSK IN FLORIDA
Congratulations—you just got to read the grossest six words in a row this week!
2. STATE PHASES TO 180-DAY SCHOOL YEAR EVEN THOUGH NO ONE REALLY SEEMED TO WANT THAT
“This sucks so much,” say area kids.
3. GOV. LUJAN GRISHAM SIGNS SMOKEY BEAR LICENSE PLATE BILL
Remember, only you can call the governor to ask why fictitious bear license plates are worthy of government time.
4. SENATE PASSES COMPENSATION FOR DOWNWINDERS
Ah, yes, we believe it was called the Bare Freaking Minimum Bill.
5. BIDEN DELIVERS STATE OF THE UNION
We’ve been told old jokes aren’t funny, but aren’t they a little funny?
6. INFLUENCER LOGAN PAUL TO FIGHT MIKE TYSON IN EXHIBITION MATCH
You know, you dream of dudes like that getting their faces punched in, but it so rarely happens.
7. TIRE FALLS OFF BOEING PLANE DURING TAKEOFF, CRUSHING CARS BELOW
It’s already a sideways building hurtling through space, did we need to add “defective” into the mix?!