The Fork: Do you hear Le Forkette Sing?

Zut alors, cher lecteurs! I can barely believe mes yeux as I read through the emails being sent to The Knoife, The Spork and even my partner, The Fork! Oh, désolé, mes amis—it is I, the fabled Le Forkette. Mayhap you ‘ave heard of me over ze years? Tried one or more of my recipes? Pondered aloud to a curious lover over croissants about where I might live, what I might be doing, how I came to be in this workaday world? Ca a du sens, of course, for I am very beautiful and renowned in certain circles; I know my way around a kitchen but also baiser lourd sur la langue. But why have I never emerged until now?

I ‘ad to come, mes amis, to put a stop to the nonsense. To The Sporks and Knoives and indeed the rumor itself that my lover, The Fork, would never return. As it stands, my lover, well, zey are hidden away, resting like...like this American Supermans of yours. They gestate in a way in the Forktress of Solitude, which, I understand, is, how you say, well documented within the words of this newsletter. We will all try to carry on without them.

For now, je crains, we must forge onward, ever onward, and directly into our recipe for stuffed French toast. Of course, anyone who is anyone when it comes to cooking knows how to make a simple French toast. It is the sort of dish that impresses despite its simplicity—something for a tender lover to eat following a vigorous night of lovemaking.

Did you know, however, that we can trace its origins back to the Roman Empire? Apparently so-called pan-dulcis dates back to the 4th century, so you may tell your sated lover that you know it is a simple dish you make, but you do it for history in addition to the sweetness.

As for why an Italian dish could become known more as belonging le francais, well, you can credit that to American innkeeper Joseph French who, in 1724, attempted to put a similar item on his menu in upstate New York but mistakenly wrote it down as French toast rather than French’s toast. Sacre bleu, what a serendipitous error—the kind you might whisper to your lover during a rainstorm.

Of course, it has how you say...roots even before then, mes amis. In Medieval Europe, for example, it became known to poor knights as both an affordable meal and a means to use up otherwise less edible stale bread. And in Scotland, where you and your lover might taste of haggis, French toast is more commonly eaten with a sausage stuck between bread, sort of like a sandwich. Speaking of sausages stuck between things, let’s get back to making stuffed French toast for your lover or lovers.

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Le Forkette’s Stuffed French Toast for You and Your Lover or Lovers

1. First you must make the cream cheese filling, for it will stuff your toasts and stuff them well. Using room temperature cream cheese, beat it with powdered sugar and vanilla (to taste, this is all up to you, mes amis). Once it is all beaten to your satisfaction, set it to the side.

2. In a bowl big enough to dip entire bread slices into, whisk (or forkette) eggs and vanilla (as much or little as you like) with a splash of half and half or milk until it comes together. Add more vanilla if you like, or sugar or even cinnamon (though I prefer to get the cinnamon into the dish in a later step).

3. Heat up a pan on your...how you say, poele, at medium heat.

4. Dip two slices of bread into the egg/vanilla mixture until completely slathered, coated, sloppy and remove, then start spreading as much of the cream cheese stuffing as you wish all over one slice, using the other to sandwich the two slices together.

4. Dip back into the egg mixture just a little, like teasing an eager lover, before fully dropping your new concoction into the heated pan. Sprinkle cinnamon all over one side; cook to your preferred golden shape and flip, repeat. If you did it right, the cream cheese within will be ever so slightly melty and your thick, masterfully stuffed French toasts will be ready for syrup or whipped cream or both.

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When the beating of you...how you say...couer echoes the beating of the drum.

Snack Corner

I only ever snack on Lu Tuc crackers, and even then, I never go overboard. I am not sure, but they might be at World Market in Santa Fe. Although, truth be told, I am always on the lookout for any good French snacks. What do you recommend?

Reader Thoughts on The Knoife

“Welcome! You may count on us to be friendly, loyal, and savory readers. We may send stoopid responses more often than you need them. But as Tommy Smothers said, ‘The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen.’”

A kind and appreciated word from reader Albo F.

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“I don’t know what’s going on. I thought maybe the Spork was covering for a vacationing Fork, but now it seems that the Fork is not coming back. I’m saddened. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy the Spork, and you, Knoife, seem fine, it’s just that the Fork has been around for a long time. I would have expected more of a goodbye.”

Reader Caitlin R. is justifiably sad.

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“I’d love to have you back again. And please tell the dear Spork that he has a fan in me!! So clever and versatile! I hope he ignores those puerile and unenlightened followers of the foul mouthed and one-note eejit who calls himself the Fork.”

I will bite my tongue over zeese harsh words about my beloved amoureux, The Fork.

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Also

-There are those among you who have already sampled the cakes from new cakery Nothing Bundt Cake as it has been semi-open for a little while now, but did you know the franchise owners—a very nice mother/daughter team according to the employee with whom we spoke—will hold a special grand opening event on Thursday, June 1? Find it near Trader Joe’s on Cordova Road in Santa Fe. If you wait until the next day, however, your purchase will partially benefit the city’s Frank Ortiz Dog Park. And on Saturday, free confetti “Bundlets” beginning at 10 am while supplies last.

-I’d love to tell you more about soon-to-open bakery Baked & Brew, but you’ll find a full story in the regular edition of SFR.

-I’d also love to tell you more about what’s happening with chefs Hue-Chan Karels and Erica Tai, their new business Alkeme and the things they serve there. Sadly, though, mes amis, there’s also a story about that in the regular edition of SFR this week.

This is...how you say...the full score.

SHOUT-OUT FROM A READER!

Many snake-tongued devils besmirching my lover.

More Tidbits

-Athletic Brewing is making news again after joining forces with Jet Blue to kick off the first-ever non-alcoholic beer program for planes—only this time they’ve partnered with Netflix to release beers based on Netflix shows. While this could be considered scabbing in a way, given the ongoing film union writers strike, the first beer, one based on The Witcher, which itself is based on a video game based on a book, sounds pretty OK. Also, Athletic’s John Walker formerly worked for Santa Fe’s Second Street Brewery, so that is pleasing to my ears, like when a lover whispers a secret into them.

-Friday, June 2 is National Doughnuts Day in your bizarre American hellscape, and that likely means free doughnuts from certain retailers. While I don’t have a list and encourage you to pay for any treats coming your way, you should also accept free things whenever possible, like accepting the embrace of a lover in a cold, hard world.

-No spoilers, but the final episode of HBO’s Succession aired last weekend and Eater.com writer Amy McCarthy has some thoughts about THAT food scene between the Roy siblings. It’s an interesting read and serves to punctuate the series’ impact on television, like a lover whose impact on one’s life feels confusing and scary but ultimately fleeting.

-Lastly, we present to you here a link to the homepage of America’s Test Kitchen. There is no one story I enjoy more than another, but we always cook up ideas (c’est moi qui plaisantons avec toi, cher lecteur!) after watching their public television programming or visiting the site, like a lover who comes across a dogeared copy of The Joy of Sex and employs it into their vigorous lovemaking.

A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Knoife’s Correspondence

Number of Letters Received

Trente quatre

*Triste!

Most Helpful Tip of the Week (a barely edited letter from a reader)

Pas d’aide.

*Vénére!

Actually Helpful Tip(s)

Rien.

*Mon dieu!

Si longtemps, ventouses,

Le Forkette