The Fork

The Fork: The Knoife

The Spork is Dead, Long Live The Knoife

Crikey, readers, your thoughts on The Spork standing in for The Fork have the poor bugger reeling like an ankle biter in the last row of an Accadacca show. He’s been choc-a-bloc with emotions, crying and such and going all crook. Fact is, he feels like a bit of a drongo, so he’s asked me, his old pal The Knoife, to take over for the week. Don’t get used to it, though, because once The Spork is feeling better following your furphy, he’ll be back on the lappy spittin’ out food facts and tellin’ all comers to rack off. He’s true blue that one, true blue, yous just don’t know it yet.

I, however, am interested in just one thing—the foods of my homeland, where a young knoifeling can go to town on a tinny, growing as large and long as you please, too, on kangaroo meat, tim tams and Vegemite.

That last one, of course, has become what we might call inextricably linked with my home, wouldn’t you think? Why, we’ve downed Vegemite back home since most were little shark biscuits stoked to take a sickie and catch those gnarly waves. ‘Course, I’d never much thought of why, but have since learned it came out of World War I. See, we’d developed a taste for Marmite just in time for roaming German U-boats to keep them from reaching our shores. Now, I’m gonna tell you about Vegemite in a moment, so take a smoko if you need, chums, while I get through the Marmite bit, but this gets right interesting. See, it turns out Marmite was created by a German scientist (is that irony?) in the 19th century by the name of Justus Bon Liebig. Liebig sort of accidentally discovered the stuff when he realized yeast left over from making coldies could be concentrated and eaten. Beauty! It became popular in Britain and, later, back home. But when those U-boats we mentioned started making it impossible to get, a chemist by the name of Cyril Callister who was commissioned by the Fred Walker Company (a right big company) devised a similar product. The name was reached through a national contest and one of hundreds—it was pulled out of a hat, even! We know we practically chucked a blockie getting to that info, but it’s neat nonetheless.

Of course, that wasn’t the end for the old Fred Walker Company, no. Turns out Vegemite had a Buckley’s chance at first, what with folks not much knowing what it was. A disastrous 1928 name change didn’t help, either (they called it Parwill for a time, which’s apparently a pun that was meant to be read like, “If Marmite Parwill,” which is so terrible we could all go crook).

Fair dinkum, though, the reversion back to the name Vegemite was likely wise, and the 1930s were a much kinder time. Didja know, though, that by 1935, the Fred Walker Company sold Vegemite to Kraft? KRAFT?! THOSE macaroni-making square cheese peddlers?! True enough, true enough. ‘Course, that doesn’t mean folks much liked the Kraft Vegemite singles (a real product that emerged in 1990 and somehow incorporated Vegemite into the company’s gross little cheese squares), or that the stuff’s allowed in prisons back home (seems a larrikin could amass heaps of the stuff and make a bit of toilet Goon if they so wished; get pissed and the like). No drama, though, because, for most of us, it’s just kind of something we put on bread, I reckon, or maybe on a sanger to have with a stubby over tea and tinnies. It’s true blue, mate, true blue. We loves ya, Vegemite!

We bet yous thought I was joking!

Snack Corner

We know from previous editions of this newsletter that folks seem to love a tim-tam, a cookie so nice they almost named it twice. Let us just say you’re right to do so and anytime you blokes and sheilas wanna send some by, we’d surely be rapt. Of course, they’d better be Arnott’s if we’re being real here, and we most certainly are being real. #Boomerang

Nobody Likes The Spork

Yous readers bloody hate The Spork, to the point you wish him dead!?!? Some even went as far as to make art about it, like reader Randy P. Dang!

>fork art

And it didn’t end there, no.

“The Fork is not coming back? How can you be so casual?” queried reader Stephanie C.

“I didn’t laugh, or even smile once at The Spork,” says Cyd R.

“You sound like a robot, a robot with a black hole in its metal chest where a heart should be,” wrote reader Bob. “Now give us back The Fork. We love them. We miss their f-bombs. You, my friend, are lacking a soul.”

They weren’t all bad, though.

“Welcome to dinner, Spork. We wish you a safe and healthy change of email address. Eat well and prosper,” wrote Albo P.

And I don’t think this one’s too bad from reader Mary C., who asked, “Are you a grapefruit spoon in disguise?”

Reader Pamela S. wrote, “Salutations to The Spork, Esq. What a refreshingly cantankerous read!!!

Perhaps no one was more concise, however, than Debbie C., who spake thusly: “Spork off. Bring back the Fork.”

Goodness. Now see here, though—we know what it’s like to feel so thrashed you could chunder, and we all miss The Fork. It’s just...they’re...I don’t know if they’re coming back. No one does.


-The Four Seasons Resort Santa Fe announced it has appointed a new executive chef, and he goes by the name Andrew Fox. Crikey, that’s a zippy name. Fox will oversee all food at the resort, including its restaurant, Terra, with over two decades of restaurant experience—he’s even worked at Four Seasons before, specifically in New Orleans, where the food is this whole next level thing. I can’t wait to see what he does with chile.

-Get excited for a bit of brekky and more at Vanessie, a hotel and restaurant/former piano bar that quietly closed some time ago but will, according to a right nice sheila on the phone, reopen next month. That’s June if you’re keeping score.

-New Marcy Street restaurant, grocery, flower shop and natural wine bar La Mama is now open for business. I already told you the things they have, so we’re not sure what to say yet. Kangaroo, I guess?

-We dunno if you’d heard but Midtown brewery and eatery Rowley Farmhouse Ales wound up the unfortunate site of a fire. Or, at least, a trailer outside the restaurant that is reportedly important to its operations. According to a Facebook post from the devo yet dardy eat-o/drink-o, ownership believes a person experiencing homelessness might have had something to do with it. In any event, this will certainly affect packaging and grain, according to the post, and those looking to support can do so simply by stopping by and eating and drinking.

-Sushi dag Dakota Weiss will soon be going off on the new Roku show, Morimoto’s Sushi Masters—as a judge, anyway. The show premiers June 16 for anyone who has Roku, so...wait, who has Roku? Weird All fans? Ah, well. She’ll be apples, mates.

-Rumor has it there are even MORE people looking into taking over Lamy, New Mexico’s Legal Tender Saloon after chef Sean Sinclair (who also owns Las Vegas’ Bar Castaneda) recently bowed out. Now, I know the building has a true corker history and all, but I also can’t think of a single time it worked out for investors in the MANY times someone tried to reopen the space. Sorry, just saying.

Our greatest natural export.


Just a bunch of Fork fans worshipping a ghost.

More Tidbits

-Might sound like furphy, but celebs are taking snacks and such to picketing Writer’s Guild members on strike for more equitable pay. Pete Davidson, Jay Leno, Weezer...weird stuff, but cool of them to support because writers are likely feeling rooted of late while studio leadership is endlessly up themselves, as it were. Oh wait, maybe Weezer just brought music? Hopefully nothing too late in the career if you know what I mean.

-Basketballer Steph Curry’s getting into the whiskey game with Gentlemen’s Cut. Millie Bobby Brown has launched a coffee brand—rich people are doing rich people things like business-based root rats. I brought a Coke on the bus and they took away my pass. Strewth!

-Taking a step out of the late 1900s school of headline writing, USA Today asks, “Is Honey Good For You? The Answer May Surprise You.” My take? People have been eating honey forever, so we’ll all probably be OK.

-The National Restaurant Association Show recently brought together restaurant drongos for a real bonzer time, and the trends are numerous. Diners are likely to see lots of crazy stuff going down in the coming months at restaurants, at least according to the show, including even more plant-based options, pretzels galore and mushrooms, seaweed, truffles and more.

-Starbucks will change its ice from flat chips or whatever to nuggets of some kind. This is reportedly about innovation, says someone at I can’t think of anything worse than having some poncey ice pozzie, but here we are. The takeaway? Find a better quality business to act cute about.

Before he went on hiatus The Spork told us you all love Grinners? We’re surprised you’ve heard of it.

A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Knoife’s Correspondence

The cover of SFR this week is all about cinnamon rolls. Buns? Rolls and buns? Which is which? Which are good? Anyway, staff assembled some true blue judges for a blind pastry taste-off and the results are out now. TK ADD LINK

Number of Letters Received


*You truly hate that Spork.

Most Helpful Tip of the Week (a barely edited letter from a reader)


*We don’t disagree, but what about it?

Actually Helpful Tip(s)

“You can order bags of Sour Patch Kids in any flavors you want—all blue, even.”

*Way to be a larrikin with the lollies rec, friendo. We might just!

You call that a knoife?

The Knoife

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