5 New Mexico Politicians Most Deserving of the Dan Savage Treatment

Language is a funny thing. Meanings migrate and take on different connotations. New words are created to properly convey remarkable situations. Twenty years ago, “googling” could have gotten you slapped and “pegging” would have implied a feverish game of Mastermind. More notably, sex columnist Dan Savage, angered by US Sen. Rick Santorum’s tortured depiction of gay sex, popularized the satiric term “santorum,” which is defined as “the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.” In order to expand the public vocabulary, we’ve gone ahead and given some New Mexico politicians the Dan Savage treatment for their misdeeds.
Former US Rep. Heather Wilson: “wilsoned”
WIL-soned: fetish in which one gets off on padded shoulders and pant suits, particularly under stressful conditions.

Example of usage: I got wilsoned in the bathroom on Air Force One yesterday and ripped my awesome new JCPenney blazer, but it was all in the interest of national security.

Former Gov. Bill Richardson: “pay to play”
PAY-to-play: a sex game wherein one partner has to look for lucrative prizes hidden up the other partner’s pant leg or, in one variant, inside his or her “cowboy” vest.

Example of usage: After nearly dislocating my kidney, I decided it really doesn’t pay to pay to play. I’m sticking with strategic financial maneuvering and the vesting of highly leveraged assets in shady locations from now on.

Albuquerque Mayor Richard Berry: “immigration check”
im-mig-RA-tion check: severe, unsubstantiated fear of contracting STDs.

Example of usage: I took the mayor to Chuck E Cheese’s for his birthday, but he was immigration checking hard. He didn’t even eat his pizza; he just rubbed it down with hand sanitizer from a hidden pump that came out of his tie clasp.

US Rep. Steve Pearce: “dirty drill”
dir-ty DRILL: when male genitalia becomes enveloped in an unctuous substance as a result of the extended and repeat use of the same lube. Sometimes called “crude well discharge,” the condition is frequently the result of too much deep exploration or mineral extraction.

Example of usage: That cheapskate is gonna contract dirty drill if he doesn’t sack up and buy some more KY.

Gov. Susana Martinez: “deregulate”
de-REG-u-late: to get so deep into your kink that you drop the use of “safe words,” the usual fail-safe for radically experimental sex partners to signify that they’ve had enough.

Example of usage: After being in a committed same-sex relationship for nearly five years, my partner and I developed enough trust to deregulate our Wednesday night autoerotic strangulation/30 Rock sessions.

Smart Phone, Straight Phone, Gay Phone

Top 5 apps on a straight guy’s phone

Tip Calculator
Twenty percent? That can’t be right!

Dwell Magazine
It turns out Dwell’s primary demographic consists of straight people trying to figure out how to impress their “many” gay friends.

Have you ever used this app for following all your favorite sports teams? It’s simply fabulous!

When you’re at the movies with an empty seat between you and your equally straight buddy, you can whip out the softcore as additional proof of your hetero-virility.

Ted Nugent channel.

Top 5 apps on a gay dude’s phone

The definitive Mr. Tonight app, Grindr’s location-based system lets you find the closest dude to doink.

Grindr can be so impersonal. When you just need a big fuzzy bear to get you through a cold night, Scruff provides a sophisticated approach to seeking sexy back hair.

On a hot, gay road trip? GayCities ranks the towns with the highest number of Grindr and Scruff users.

OK, so you totally know that someone is raking the LGBTQ community over the coals at 99 cents a pop, but it’s just so fun to have that little rainbow icon on your screen.

Lady Gaga channel. 


The five gayest beards (and ’staches) of all time

The Winnfield
Unspoken commentary: “You know you want it. Even I want it.”
Goes best with: tight plaid button-up and hipster-jean cutoff shorts.

The Handlebar
Unspoken commentary: “I like to keep it clean…ish.”
Goes best with: Remember McLovin’s outfit in Superbad? That.

A la Souvarov
Unspoken commentary: “Don’t assume I’m gay. I may just be French.”
Goes best with: tailored suit jacket and skinny black tie.

Friendly Mutton Chops
Unspoken commentary: “I’m a lumberjack, and I’m OK…”
Goes best with: Carhartt overalls with nothing underneath.

Federation Standard
Unspoken commentary: “One hundred percent Prada.”
Goes best with: Prada.

’Stache Numero Uno
Unspoken commentary: “Who wants a mustache ride?”
Goes best with: state trooper uniform and aviator sunglasses.

’Stache Numero Dos
Unspoken commentary: “Business on the top, party on the bottom.”
Goes best with: polka-dotted bow ties.

Insert Caption...
Credits: Insert Credits...

Ladies’ Night

According to The Advocate's admittedly unscientific estimate, Santa Fe boasts not one, not two, but seven full-fledged lesbian bars. But even if you can find them all, we can't guarantee you'll enjoy them unless you know what to drink. Herewith: our own unscientific listing of the three best gay drinks to be found in Santa Fe.

Mojito at Rouge Cat
Though a relative newcomer to the Santa Fe scene, Rouge Cat may have cornered the market on leopard-print shag carpet, awesome dance parties and a deliciously muddled mojito.

Cosmo at SilverStarlight Lounge
The SilverStarlight is an old favorite and was recently named one of Out Magazine’s “60 Greatest Gay Bars in the World.” Plus, the cosmo is classic Carrie Bradshaw.

The sampler at Coyote Café
Four mini-martinis for the experimentally inclined: Need we say more?