Futuristic Fumes

Pot smokers of a certain age, often identified by their preferred use of the word over “weed,” know about resourcefulness. Almost nothing was off limits in a pre-legalization world when it came time to cheef but without a vessel in sight. The 1998 flick Half-Baked immortalized the term MacGyver Smoker to describe someone who has enough gumption and creativity to make a bong using an avocado, ice pick and a snorkel.

Options at local head shops, which I’m pretty sure is also an outdated term, used to be limited to pipes or bongs. But nowadays there’s a long list of digital devices available for online purchase that make me feel like a caveman journalist. I already feel behind the times when it comes to the variety of potent extracts and what the kids call “dabs,” but now an activity that used to call for considerable thought and an actual blowtorch, now requires a USB charger and the ability to push a button in rapid succession.

From time to time, companies send SFR futuristic looking weed gadgets that range from complicated to outright confusing. I decided to round up the most recent small collection and take each of the contraptions for a spin—in the name of journalism.

Dabs, besides being part of a flash-in-the-pan dance move, are puffs from a contraption that looks a lot like a bong made in chemistry class, often called a dab rig. The torch heats a glass receptacle to red-hot, then users drop a blob of cannabis goo into play, creating a monster hit and an immediate couch lock. The whole process sounds extremely complicated and nerve-wracking to me. The fact that consuming cannabis this way can result in a whirlwind of a high makes me think it’s also unnecessary. The Dr. Dabber XS, a compact and digital device that’s billed as “the ultimate travel companion,” will definitely get you where you want to go—and then some—pretty fast. Sure, it took me a YouTube video and several passes through the included instructions, but I eventually figured out what “The Doctor” is all about. The Utilian 5 wax pen does essentially the same thing as the ol’ Doc, but the best I can tell it’s essentially a giant vape pen that requires reloading each go.

The most intriguing, and yet extremely confusing, contraption I tested was the Zeus Arc Hub Kit. This flower (that’s what the kids call old-fashioned weed these days) vaporizer came with the biggest set of instructions, which are also largely in German. The hub kit includes a phallic looking grinder the company calls an “extruder,” and several sets of metal capsules that look like boxy bullet casings. The idea here is you load the extruder with a capsule, drop a couple nugs on the other end and start cranking away like you’re grinding pepper. Eventually the bottom of the cylindrical extruder will pop out a little and that’s the sign you’re almost ready to puff. Load said capsule into the actual vaping device and you’re finally ready to inhale the tasty vapors.

I’m a cynical guy with two kids and way too many dogs, so the idea of putting in the work required for futuristic sessions just seems like a waste of time. But I thought I should check in with an old source of mine who knows way more about this stuff to see if I was missing something.

I was.

Chad Lozano, host of the Ask Chad Grassy Logic podcast, schooled me on why the robots are taking over. First off, he says, digital dab rigs offer precise temperature settings analog rigs don’t. That means you can perfectly toast the terpenes (what gives weed its taste and aroma) and get the most of the flavor profile. (And, safety first, it allows users to leave the blowtorches at places they belong, like auto body shops and not your living rooms.) Some people prefer vaping concentrates, he says, because of its relative purity.

Flower vaporizers, Lozano says, are a good choice for those who are concerned about inhaling burning plant material, but don’t care for the intensity that comes with high octane extracts.

“You’re heating up the material to the point where you’re not igniting the plant material, but you’re activating the THC,” he says.

There must be some sort of demand for these ever-evolving weed gadgets, given the long list of brands out there. But, the thought of keeping track of yet another USB cord that only fits one thing or staying on top of one more device’s battery supply is anxiety-inducing. I would not yuck anyone’s yum, but I’m also comfortable being a weed luddite.

Ratings

The Dr. Dabber XS - B

Pros: Relatively easy to use, compact

Cons: Cleaning is a whole thing, water chamber hard to fill

Utilian 5 wax pen - C

Pros: Not overly complicated, adjustable air flow

Cons: Inconvenient, hard to clean

Zeus Arc Hub Kit - C

Pros: Flower vapor tastes better than smoke, compact

Cons: Way too many steps, tastes awful when flower is spent