For all of its faults, which are many, perhaps the greatest sin behind the reboot of 1994 cult goth fave The Crow is in how its makers don’t even seem to know for whom it was made.
If director Rupert Sanders (Ghost in the Shell) is pandering to those who loved the original movie, that’s weird. If his bizarre remake is a sincere stab at updating the story for modern audiences and/or the Gen Z set, then that’s worse. The new Crow is precisely the type of film that fuels diatribes and thought pieces on Hollywood soullessness and a drought of ideas—this is everything wrong with the movies in one unbearably tedious package.
Like the original film, The Crow revolves around a pair of lovers who are murdered by a shadowy gang. Also like the original, Eric (originated by Brandon Lee, whose on-set death propelled him into legend status) rises from the grave to avenge his dearly departed Shelly (a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad FKA Twigs). Cue so much death. This time out, though, Eric (It alum Bill Skårsgard) embraces a mall-goth aesthetic in his revenge quest. Who knew everyone getting sword-slashed by a deathless anti-zombie could be so boring? But a black trenchcoat does not a hit make, and reports that The Crow has bombed at the box office right out of the gate should serve as a warning to anyone jonesing to remake things that don’t need remaking.
Not only does this new version of The Crow introduce characters and plot elements that go nowhere, it has one of the most bafflingly non-dimensional casts ever committed to film. Skårsgard’s interpretation of the character feels akin to melodramatic teenage sullenness at best and like a callous take on depression at worst. Not even veteran character actor Danny Huston in the villain role can bring life to this dreck, and the complete lack of chemistry between Skårsgard and FKA Twigs makes every smooch and sex scene read as awkward and unnecessary. If The Crow has one saving grace, it’s a John Wick-inspired scene at an opera house. But that doesn’t save it from the uninspired soundtrack of on-the-nose tunes by Joy Division and Gary Numan. What’s that saying about how a camel is a horse designed by a committee? Fuck this movie.
2
+One cool scene; it ends
-Every performance is laughable; every choice is ridiculous
The Crow
Directed by Sanders
With Skårsgard, FKA Twigs and Huston
Violet Crown Cinema, Regal, R, 11 min.