If you've been listening to, y'know, doctors and scientists, it's looking more and more likely that we'll have to spend much of the summer in our homes. Look, we're not going to shame people who don't go outside, but we will point out that if you see a whole mess-load of people on a trail someplace, it's probably wise to take you and your mask, get back in the car and get the hell home for some guilt-free streaming. The COVID-19 pandemic is inarguably awful—but if you look at it like the first time you've been government sanctioned to watch dumb television, your whole outlook could change. Here's our favorite (not every last) streaming platforms.
Either you have this or you're still on your ex's account, either way, this one actually ranks at the bottom of the list because most Netflix time is spent scrolling and wondering "What the hell is that?"
Must-Watch: Ozark. No matter how many people lie to you about it being as good as Breaking Bad, it's still absurd and super-fun.
One of our very favorites because for a few extra bucks, you can watch all the old Frasier and Scrubs episodes you want without commercials. They've also added premium add-ons, like HBO and Showtime (we like Shameless), plus original shows like Handmaid's Tale are pretty good, we're told.
Must-Watch: Seriously, if you've never seen Scrubs now's the time.
You're probably knee-deep in what was supposed to be a free trial you're too lazy to cancel, but that's a good thing. We're adult humans, so we'll never tell you to watch old Lizzie McGuire episodes or try to convince you that Bucket & Skinner is any good, but we will say they've got most of the Star Wars and Marvel movies, plus every Simpsons episode ver. If you're between 30 and 65 at this point, your whole sense of humor is based on that show, so…yeah.
Must-Watch: Simpsons. Duh. Start at Season 3, though.
HBO Max ($15/month)
Another good reason to have an ex (even if they did change their grandma's password once you got hooked on The Wire), HBO's newest jam-packed streaming service kicks off May 27. It has all the great John Oliver and Sopranos and High Maintenance stuff you either know and love or are about to, plus some high-caliber licensed shows like Friends (no, thanks), Rick & Morty (yes, thanks, but don't lump us in with "those" fans) and more.
Must-Watch: Newly produced and longer episodes of the classic Adventure Time serieswill reportedly be available. Make it your business to know this show.
This one's for you horror buffs out there. We're talkin' Halloween and Mom and Dad and Friday the 13th and, like, if there's a horror movie, it's probably on there. The service has even become powerful enough to start offering original and exclusive content. Score one for you, horror dorks.
Must-Watch: Shudder's the only place to stream the Indigenous-made Blood Quantum, a fully kickass zombie flick with some unexpected twists that'd make even George A. Romero blush.
Troma Now ($4.99/month)
We can't believe we get to type a sentence about how Troma Films has a streaming service, yet here we are—Troma Now is real. You'll find classics like Class of Nuke 'Em High, Tromeo and Juliet and, of course, The Toxic Avenger, but the service also has all kinds of old horror and monster movies, plus Tarzan and other treats. If you're into this stuff, this is the best news of all time.
Must-Watch: If you've never seen Citizen Toxie, have you even lived?
If you have a public library card, you can log into the Kanopy streaming service FOR FREE! From there, you get 10 free films a month (which we know isn't a lot right now…or ever), plus unlimited kids' content. We found thousands of intriguing films, from big-name Hollywood numbers and new releases to lesser-known indies and foreign masterpieces. It'd take weeks to sort through it all, and you should totally do that. Starting now.
Must-Watch: It's overwhelmingly cool that this service is free and so jam-packed. We can't decide.
This one's for the Japanimation dweebs (we're for sure on that team) and has so many animated goodies it's unreal. Like anime? You'll love this.
Must-Watch: If you've never seen classics like Akira and Ninja Scroll, your time has come.