You might have heard that Universal's on-demand release of Trolls: World Tour has proven controversial. See, theater owners are saying the studio's choice to forego the big-screen release of the film sets a dangerous precedent, while its stars Justin Timberlake and Anna Kendrick are pissed that they could potentially miss out on bonuses contingent on high ticket sales.
Us? We love going to the movies and we miss it all the time, but we also understand why we haven't been able to do that. Businesses have to pivot and, without getting into a whole thing about how movie corporations are probably evil, this means you're probably going to be seeing a whole lot of movies skip theaters this summer for streaming and video-on-demand platforms—and unless you're going to stop watching movies altogether, just relax already.
Let's take a look at some of the bigger releases set to hit your TV and computer in the coming months—but note that there are plenty of big-name movies (like Wonder Woman 1984, for example) with unknown futures. Why announce now what might wind up in theaters by September, right? Maybe we'll all be back and comfortable in the Violet Crown before we know it, maybe we'll just rent the following films and keep eating chips at home. Who knows?
Disney+, June 12, PG
The cast is stacked (Josh Gad, Collin Farrell, Judi Dench), the premise is tired (young kid is cool genius), the streaming is inevitable. In this Kenneth Branagh-directed adaptation of the Eoin Colfer books series, titular Fowl learns how to phase through dimensions. Or maybe it's that he learns to party with faeries? Honestly, we almost passed out from boredom reading a synopsis. Still, this thing was reportedly a nightmare to get done, but it's done and has, like, magic and stuff.
The King of Staten Island
VOD, June 12, R
Pete Davidson—the SNL poster boy for why everyone hates millennials—stars in this semi-autobiographical tale of a young, white guy from Staten Island who probably has feelings, particularly after his father died on 9/11. That last bit actually happened to Davidson, who also co-wrote the script with Judd Apatow, but we're just a little tired of media showing the plight of white people. Marisa Tomei's in it, though.
VOD, June 19, Not-yet-rated (probably PG-13 or R)
The tale of a serially ill teen who falls big time for a drug dealer and whose parents are all like, "not in our house," Babyteeth will probably make you cry. It sounds kind of like a young adult thing, honestly, but our research tells us it's not. Teens sure love dramatic illnesses in their films, though. Anyway, Eliza Scanlen (Little Women and that dreadful Sharp Objects miniseries) stars.
VOD, July 3, PG
Palm d'or winner Hirokazu Koreeda (Shoplifters) returns with Juliet Binoche, Ethan Hawke and effing Catherine Deneuve for a tale about family bonds, famous relatives and maybe how it's hard to write screenplays and stuff. We've read descriptions like "warm" and "moving," so it sounds like it'll be warm. And moving.
Mucho Mucho Amor
Netflix, July 8, NR
The documentary tale of Puerto Rico's Walter Mercado, who was like some sort of astrology version of Liberace (fancy capes and silk and stuff), this Netflix documentary promises to have all the off-the-wall nonsense of Tiger King with, we hope, none of the animal abuse. Mercado's TV show aired for decades in his homeland, so fingers crossed for some very cool footage.
VOD, July 10, Not-yet-rated (probably PG-13 or R)
Not to be confused with the 1997 museum-based monster picture The Relic, this new horror vehicle directed by newcomer Natalie Erika James examines three generations of women haunted by some creeped-out and horrific manifestation of dementia—at least that's what IMDB says. Probably the subtext here is that aging is the fucking worst. Meanwhile, we just know we'll forever love star Emily Mortimer because she was on 30 Rock for a minute. Other actors are presumably in this movie.
VOD, July 31, Not-yet-rated (probably PG-13)
British playwright Jessica Swale makes the jump to the big screen with this WWII-set drama about a woman who starts feeling feelings for a guy who escaped the London blitz and came to her tiny little village by-the-sea to be unconventionally handsome, but in a dickish kind of way; we don't know that for sure, but, like, don't you think? Gemma Arterton (Murder Mystery) stars.
VOD, August 14, Not-yet-rated (probably R)
A Russian cosmonaut returns to Earth as the only survivor of a mysterious space catastrophe, but space problems follow him back to his non-space life. Is a space-monster living inside of him and popping out to do space crime on solid ground, and will the space problems spread out and kill all life? There's only one way to space find out.
VOD, August 21, PG-13
Ethan Hawke returns to our list playing the enigmatic scientist Nicola Tesla (aka, that dude who was cooler than Edison and played by Bowie in The Prestige, so that also makes him cooler than Edison). This one's apparently got a bit of the unexpected amongst its biopic coating (no spoilers), and Dune alum Kyle MacLachlan shows up to play the aforementioned shitheel, Thomas Edison. Mustaches abound, we bet.