The Spanking of the Monkey

 Masturbation is an underwhelming part of a man's daily routine, similar to ordering fast food or playing solitaire. But some are capable of making it an art form. In his teenage years, Chazzy Pazzy (his name is changed to protect his identity) achieved a milestone that no other man likely has: He masturbated 12 times in one sitting. Not one day. One sitting. Now a grown man with a job, a girlfriend and a dog, Pazzy recently discussed his achievement.

SFR: When was the first time you whacked it?
Chazzy Pazzy: I'm going to say fifth or sixth grade. I was in my mom's shower. She wasn't there, of course. And it wasn't really a planned-out thing; it just happened. I had never seen this act before, never had a frame of reference. And I just realized a certain motion I was doing in a certain area of my body felt rather pleasant.
It actually almost kind of hurt, honestly; it was quite surprising. And I almost—I didn't think that I actually wanted to do it ever again. It was somewhat painful. But I'm pretty sure the next day I just went into the bathroom [and started] repeating it again. It was like I was constantly trying to pull it off, actually. And then I continued to do it more. It wasn't painful at all. It was extremely pleasant. I used a—it was lava soap, the harshest shit ever. And I think that somewhat enhanced the experience.

Lava soap?
It was such hard soap, I felt like I grew a callus. From that lava soap, I didn't get any chafing; it wasn't ever painful; I could keep on going and it still felt OK. I started noticing that after the first one, I still had endurance, and that I might as well keep going because it still felt good. And I felt like it was kind of a tantric thing, almost, to the point [where] I was doing three, four—this was all in the same sitting, the same session. And they got to be pretty long. I realized that I just couldn't go to the bathroom anymore; I had to find another place—that my Mom was like, 'What the fuck is going on?' I had been in the bathroom 45 minutes at a time. She was probably also wondering how two people could go through so much lava soap. It's not like regular soap, kind of like a sandy soap. Kind of like if you just jerked it with mud. That was the only medium I had.

And lava soap made your milestone possible. How many times did you whack it in a sitting?
I believe it was 12, but I felt like I really couldn't count after eight or so, because it was just the sensation—but I was shooting blanks. I think it was just because of daily practice. I think there was kind of a determination behind it. I was going to push the limits to see how far I could take it. That time, I definitely strained myself a bit. I don't think I ever got anywhere close to that [again]. It's like climbing Everest—you're not just going to go back up the mountain afterwards.

Twelve times in one sitting?
It sounds unbelievable, and if somebody had told me that today, I would certainly not believe them. But it really happened. I'm sure it took a while…at least an hour and a half. By the end, I was certainly sweating. And there were times where I probably wasn't very rigid anymore or erect—pretty sloppy—but somehow things were still going. It was sore. I probably shot a few hundred layers of skin off there. It's an achievement I will never forget.

So where does masturbation stand in your life now?
It's something that's pretty much a part of my daily life. So it's become a regular, a stress reliever. Now I don't have a lot of time anymore, I don't have the days where I can spend as much time as I wanted to pushing the limits. I got a job. I got a real life. I got other things to take care of besides masturbatory obsessions. But I'll never lose that part of me.

Santa Fe Reporter