Best street on which to lose your mind

Saint Francis Drive

"If we hit another fucking red light, I swear I'm going to lose it," she says. I nod silently, agreeing with this sentiment harder than I've ever agreed with anything. We hit the light at Agua Fria, now Paseo de Peralta and the Cerillos intersection just went yellow. How on earth has it taken us 11 minutes to travel four blocks? "I think they have ways to time lights based on the speed limit," I say. "Yeah, they do," she says. "I know they do." And as I quietly wonder who the hell is municipally responsible for the timing of red lights and curse the day I was born, she lets out another sigh of exasperation near the red light at Cordova. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me," she says. "I hate this street, I hate this street…I hate this street!" All I can do is squeeze her hand and smile. (ADV)

Best place to get away with farting in public

Genoveva Chavez Community Center
3221 W Rodeo Road, 955- 4000

The best thing about Jacuzzi bubbles is that they resemble one massive, underwater, gastrointestinal episode. So, next time you feel the adolescent inkling to share a whiff of your homebrew with the world, mosey on down to the Genoveva Chavez Community Center's hot tub. The intermittent jets not only give your lower back a nice little massage, pushing whatever is hiding in your belly's innermost recesses toward the exit, but they also conceal the dirty deed beneath the water's tumultuous surface. Crowds of exercise fanatics soaking up the suds provide for plenty of unwitting victims and plenty of scapegoats, so when people do smell your unsavory delight, they most likely blame it on that muscled up D-bag still flexing his biceps in the corner, letting you off scot-free. (JPS)

Best place to let your bitch run wild

Santa Fe Animal Shelter and Humane Society
100 Caja del Rio Road, 983-4309

Oh, Santa Fe. Your rivers are chocked full of wild trout, your snow-covered peaks are a delight to look at and offer miles upon miles of delicious hiking trails. Unfortunately, those same trails tend to attract some of the country's most entitled, former Texan retirees who are always poised to yell at you to, "Get that mangy mutt on a leash." As dog-friendly as Santa Fe is, it is surprisingly difficult to find terrain where you can let your pup go hog-wild, sniffing, running and wrestling to her heart's delight. The Santa Fe Animal Shelter has your solution. Their 7-acre section of completely fenced in desertscape gives you and your canine plenty of room to bolt around off-leash while packs of other dogs provide for an endless slew of potential playmates. Make sure your four-legged friend gets along with other mutts and bring him or her down today. (JPS)

Best toilet away from home

Tune-Up Cafe
1115 Hickox St., 983-7060

"Honey, where do your want to eat tonight? Are you in the mood for Thai? Mexican? Pizza?" "Let's go to the Tune-Up Cafe. They've got wicked seafood specials, a bodacious buffalo burger ($11.75) and, oh yeah, the single most comfortable crapper outside my overpriced studio apartment." Über-clean toilet seats; warm, wholesome décor; an awesome mirror to make sure your suspenders at least look like they are holding up your already ridiculously tight skinny jeans—Tune-Up's facilities have it all. Add that together with the fact that they have not one, but two, totally private, spacious lavatories, so you don't feel the pressure of the dysentery-infected tourist banging on the door, this locale wins the grade-A seal of approval for best place to drop a load and then reload with delicious grub. (JPS)

Best place to get into a bloodcurdling, road rage brawl

Cerrillos Road

There's just something about this stretch of Santa Fe roadway that turns even the most docile grandma into a rageaholic with an extended middle finger. Contributing factors include rush-hour traffic, the fact that the streetlights do not flow at all, causing would-be travelers to hit every damn red light, and the fact that a passing lane is not a notion in the average New Mexican's vocabulary—for you fellow New Mexicans, designating a "passing lane" means that everyone drives in the right lane and leaves the left lane open to pass other vehicles. Move over, King of the Road! It's a real thing and people from other places use it. (JPS)

Best Santa Fe conspiracy theory

Murderous Wireless Towers

Santa Fe has always prided itself on doing things a little different. It's not hard to find people here latched onto conspiracy theories like fluoride in the public water system causing autism or an underground military train system as the real cause of the infamous "Taos Hum." But one wacko theory stands above the others in the City Different: evil wireless towers. Arthur Firstenberg, a resident who has long claimed that wireless cell phone networks cause him physical and neurological pain, is the local face of this movement. Recent proposals by AT&T to build a 64-foot cellphone tower near a Burger King on the corner of West Alameda Street and St. Francis Drive met huge opposition from some nearby neighbors. At a historic district review board meeting last month, several neighbors channeled fear that the tower could fall on the nearby elementary school or even on tanks of explosive gasoline at the nearby gas station. The board, kowtowing to the fear and NIMBYism of the "democracy at work," rejected the proposal. (JP)

Most pretentious Peter Ives quote

After just two years on City Council, Peter Ives has risen in the ranks to mayor pro tem, an impressive accomplishment for a first-term councilor. Ives, whose highlights in city government include leading the charge in the push for a strong mayor system that voters approved in March, is an unapologetic nerd for public policy. The District 2 councilor is also known for the breadth of his public speeches, which was most notably on display when he spent more than 20 minutes explaining his abstaining vote on a marriage equality measure last year. Indeed, Ives can be seen speaking at length at any of the bimonthly City Council meetings. For his most pretentious quote, SFR goes back to his 2012 endorsement interview, in which he explained his vision of city government:
"I don't think the City Council is intended as a management tool for the city, indeed we have professional staff that is charged with management, beginning of course with the city manager and obviously down through the hierarchy of the city. I think the council is intended to provide that visionary leadership, that policy direction, for the city, which then gets implemented through the various departments. And so the City Council is there promulgating that vision and that direction for the city and also then holding accountable if that policy and vision is not implemented correctly." (JP)

Best way to find a faithful companion that doesn't involve alchohol, Christian Mingle, Snapchat, Facebook or Grindr

Santa Fe Animal Shelter & Humane Society
100 Caja Del Rio Road, 983-4309

They know what you look like naked. They've seen you in coitus. They've heard you spill your deepest, darkest secrets. And if you ever need to bury a body, some of them would be more than happy to help you dig the hole. Dogs and cats are the superfood of homies, and there are plenty of them out there that need good homes and great amounts of love as either a foster animal or forever friend. Head out the Santa Fe Animal Shelter & Humane Society and get to know a fur ball before letting it choose you. Or visit one of Felines & Friends New Mexico's adoption centers and get a kitteh closer to the city's center (369 Montezuma Ave., Ste. 320, 316-2281). (RDW)

Best Flaks

Frequent readers of this rag are familiar with SFR's lawsuit accusing Gov. Susana Martinez of illegally withholding public information from us. We often publicize our battles to obtain public records from government agencies as a way to hold public officials accountable. But we less often inform our readers who's providing us information without a fight. So this year, we're tipping our hat to both a spokeswoman and records custodian who don't tend to put up avoidable obstacles between SFR and public information.
Sometimes they go out of the way to remove those obstacles—rare in the days when "public information officers" more or less act as "political information officers" looking to protect their jobs by way of protecting their bosses from embarrassing disclosures.
Santa Fe County spokeswoman Kristine Mihelcic and City of Santa Fe records custodian Bernadette Romero give us a reminder that those jobs can be done right. Call Mihelcic on her cell, and she'll whip county officials into responding to our interview requests under a tight deadline. She provides road maps for obtaining obscure documents and doesn't hesitate to answer tough questions.
Romero is quick as a roadrunner in responding to requests made under the Inspection of Public Records Act. While that law allows government agencies to wait three days until responding to IPRA requests, Romero frequently furnishes documents in less than three hours. That's exactly why both these first-rate flaks deserve acknowledgement in our pages. (JH)

Best SFR contributor to illustrate

Alex De Vore

When star art director Anson Stevens-Bollen joined the SFR fold, he apparently had one mission in mind: Illustrating music writer Alex De Vore in as many humiliating iterations as possible. So far, he's been a boozed-up Baby New Year, a crying mess and a revealing rendition of Rodin's "The Thinker." Asked about his unnatural infatuation, Stevens-Bollen is direct. "It's his glasses and his beard," he confesses, a hint of blush encroaching his cheeks. "I donno, that's just the essence of Alex to me and for some reason, they just pair for such a great caricature," he continues, taking a suggestive gulp of Mountain Dew. As to future ADV-centric plans, Stevens-Bollen has his sights on a cartoon based on a candid picture of De Vore taken during a recent concert. It features him mouth agape, eyes half-closed and rocking a Peruvian straw hat adorned with flowers. "It's just a scenario that we have not touched upon," the art director continues with hubris. (EL)

Correction: A previous version of "Best Santa Fe Conspiracy Theory" incorrectly stated that Santa Fe resident Arthur Firstenberg testified about perceived wireless health effects at a recent historic district review board. Firstenberg did not testify about health effects. SFR regrets the error.