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1. ELON MUSK SHAKES THINGS UP AT TWITTER
Take our checkmarks, bro. Ain’t nobody gonna pay for that.
2. SHIDONI SCULPTURE GARDEN TO CLOSE
Now where will we go to sneakily smoke weed and pretend to be enlightened?
3. CORRECTIONS DEPARTMENT WHISTLEBLOWERS SETTLE LAWSUIT
The $310,000 payout makes us totally confident that nothing was amiss among the folks who run our state prisons.
4. LOCAL AUTHOR GEORGE RR MARTIN APPEARS ON THE LATE SHOW
The discussion veered into current events and, this part is true, GRRM wishes he had a dragon he could fly to the Kremlin. And how.
5. SANTA FE HIGH PRINCIPAL, ST. MICHAEL’S HIGH PRESIDENT STEPPING DOWN
Happy, kids? Looks like you killed their spirits.
6. CITY PROCUREMENT OFFICER LEAVES, TOO
Too bad, because the city’s finances have been so incredibly solid of late.
7. CLASSIC POLLERCOASTER DOMINATES NEWS CYCLE AS GOV’S RACE NEARS MERCIFUL END
See what we did there? We did it because the actual gap between the governor and the weatherman is either tiny or substantial, depending on who’s polling.