1. MORE SWIMMING LANES OPEN AT THE CHAVEZ CENTER
    How much longer do we have to wait for the frog slide though?
  2. AMAZON CEO JEFF BEZOS SAYS HE’LL STEP DOWN THIS SUMMER
    So long, you terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad person—and enjoy your dick-shaped rocket!
  3. THE WHOLE GAMESTOP STOCK SITUATION IS REALLY KIND OF A MESS,
    But we’ll still never feel bad for billionaires. Never ever.
  4. BEST OF SANTA FE 2021 NOMINATIONS OPEN NOW
    Make sure to think on the new Best Sweats and Best Maskcne categories.
  5. ELLA EMHOFF SIGNS MODELING CONTRACT
    Baffling people who have shitty opinions about women, modeling, young people, and basically everything.
  6. SOUTHERN SENATOR WANTS TO ALLOW SUCESSION FOR COUNTIES THAT WANT TO LEAVE THE STATE
    Bueno, bye…
  7. COWBOYS FOR TRUMP GUY STILL IN DC JAIL
    …so maybe he won’t come back anyway?