1. BERNIE MEMES TAKE OVER THE WORLD
    Ohmygod, lookout!!! There’s one behind you right now!!!
  2. WHERE BERNIE COULD NOT TREAD, RESIDENT EVIL‘S GIGANTIC VAMPIRE GIANTESS LADY DIMITRESCU WOWED THE NERDS.
    She’s 9 feet tall and ready to suck your blood!
  3. BIDEN REVERSES TRANS MILITARY BAN…
    Ohhhhhhh! Tough blow for you, TERFs and ‘phobes, huh? Tough couple of weeks, really.
  4. …BUT NO SIGN OF THAT $2,000 STIMULUS
    Oh, our bad, we meant $1,400…or maybe we just meant “paltry.”
  5. MIDTOWN CAMPUS DEVELOPER IS READY TO CALL IT QUITS
    Who has “three years and still nothing” on their Midtown bingo card?
  6. GOV. LUJAN GRISHAM GIVES STATE OF THE STATE ADDRESS, NOTING “WE MAY GET KNOCKED DOWN. BUT WE WILL NEVER BE KNOCKED OUT.” 
    RIP Johnny Tapia.
  7. BILL TO STOP TIME CHANGE GETS PROPOSED AGAIN AT ROUNDHOUSE
    What day is it anyway?