1. POLITICIANS AND CELEBRITY OLDS START GETTING COVID-19 VACCINE
    Puzzlingly, even those who said the virus was a hoax.
  2. SANTA FE MALL SANTAS TO WAVE TO KIDS FROM BEHIND PROTECTIVE PLEXIGLASS
    Countless kids breathe sighs of relief at not having to sit on some strangers lap because their folks think the photo would be so cute.
  3. CONGRESS PASSES NEW RELIEF PACKAGE
    And basically no one is relieved about it.
  4. CITY LAUNCHES “LIGHT UP SANTA FE” WEBSITE
    We’ve come a long way since DARE, baby.
  5. VOTE ON FORMATION OF CULTURAL COMMITTEE THAT WOULD ASSIST IN ADDRESSING THE SITE OF FORMER OBELISK POSTPONED
    Meanwhile, six random people serve as scapegoats for a lack of leadership and still have charges hanging over their heads.
  6. FAUCI TELLS KIDS HE VISITED NORTH POLE TO VACCINATE SANTA 
    File under “cute-ass lies.”
  7. PLANETS APPEAR TO CONJOIN IN SOLSTICE SKY
    When it happens again in 800 years, 2020’s human problems probably won’t seem like shit.