1. ARSON SUSPECTED IN THE CASE OF THE BURNED-DOWN SFFD FIRETRUCKS
    It’s like raaaaiiieeeeaaaaaaaaain on your wedding daaaaay!
  2. JEFF BEZOS MADE $13 BILLION IN ONE DAY LAST WEEK AS $600 UNEMPLOYMENT AID CESSATION LOOMS
    Welp, that’s it for humankind, folks! We had a good run, but we’re clearly trash people now—let’s just go ahead and disband the species.
  3. MAYOR WEBBER CITES TALE OF TWO CITIES IN OPENING LETTER FOR REWORKED CITY BUDGET PLANS
    Slightly better than Oliver Twist but still an interesting choice with a high ranking on the does-not-understand-the-source-material-o-meter.
  4. TRUMP SAYS SECRET POLICE ARE COMING TO ABQ
    And his Bernalillo County sheriff lapdog couldn’t lick his face fast enough over it.
  5. NO, CAFÉ PASQUAL’S IS NOT CLOSING
    But it certainly was a fun few hours spreading alarming gossip on social media, right Santa Fe?
  6. CENSUS BUREAU TO HOLD TRAINING FOR POTENTIAL HUNDREDS AT CONVENTION CENTER
    Now’s your chance to gather with others—and we mean really gather—COVID deniers!
  7. TOURISTS JUST KEEP RIGHT ON POURING INTO THE CITY
    We’d love to take your money any other time, Texas, but can you be cool for a sec? We only have chile with an “e,” not chili with an “i.”