1. GENOVEVA CHAVEZ CENTER TO REOPEN PARTS OF THE BUILDING
    So you can really get some good old-fashioned Don Draper-style ennui laps in.
  2. PEOPLE KEEP SETTING OFF FIREWORKS LONG INTO THE NIGHT
    Since we all desperately want to add “city burns down” to our 2020’s a Shit-Show Bingo cards.
  3. OFFICIALS SAY NEW SANTA FE COVID-19 CASES ARE NOT FROM TOURISTS
    They’re from family trips to Sam’s Club.
  4. STATE FAIR GETS CANCELED, TOO
    Now where are we going to eat cotton candy til we puke? Our homes?!?
  5. PLAZA OBELISK SHIELDED BY POETRY-CLAD WOODEN BOX
    Here’s a poem for all y’all: When we’re all done being clowns, tear the racist monuments down.
  6. ST. LOUIS COUPLE AIMS GUNS AT BLM PROTESTORS WALKING BY THEIR MANSION
    You know in history books when we see photos of people screaming at black folks at lunch counters? Do you really want your whole gestalt to be in line with that? (Also, there’s mustard on your shirt.)
  7. SFR HEARTS ASB
    Get well soon!