1. SHAKE SHACK TO RETURN $10 MILLION IN FEDERAL PAYROLL PROTECTION LOANS…
    You’re goddamn right they are.
  2. …WHILE COUNTLESS SELF-EMPLOYED AMERICANS STILL DON’T HAVE ACCESS TO UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS
    They’re also shook by Shake Shack’s shady shit.
  3. GOV. SAYS SANTA FE NURSERIES CAN DO LIMITED BUSINESS AFTER ALL
    We just hope Home Depot and Lowes will be OK!
  4. CITY COULD HIT $46 MILLION BUDGET SHORTAGE FOR THE FISCAL YEAR
    We just assumed Webber’s livestreamed reading of Winnie the Pooh would have solved that…?
  5. TEXAS MIGHT REOPEN SOME BUSINESSES AS SOON AS THIS WEEK…
    Whatever you do, Texas, just keep Willie safe!
  6. …GEORGIA, TOO
    We could only come up with jokes about peaches here, so let’s just skip to the part about how this is a bad plan.
  7. LITERALLY TENS OF SANTA FEANS PROTEST QUARANTINE AT THE CAPITOL
    Just how badly do people need those haircuts?