1. SANTA FE POLICE ANNOUNCE TRAFFIC BLITZ
    Surprising the city’s taking enough time off from browbeating panhandlers to focus on texting drivers and such.
  2. TITO’S TEXAS VODKA MAKERS WARN IT DOES NOT MAKE A GOOD HAND SANITIZER
    But emergency nonperishable cocktail supply kits can be assembled using orange Crush soda and any brand of vodka.
  3. CHEESEMONGER ANNOUNCES CLOSURE AT THE END OF THE MONTH
    Sacre bleu! Here’s the real reason to stockpile.
  4. COUNTY SHERIFF TO FOLLOW LAW
    He meant the red-flag law, but we’re in favor of just, you know, all of them. Well, most of them, anyway. OK—some of them.
  5. RELEASE OF BOND MOVIE DELAYED DUE TO PUBLIC HEALTH
    We’re short of breath after seeing those new Daniel Craig pics in GQ.
  6. GOVERNOR VETOES ROAD PROJECTS, CITES OIL REVENUE DECLINE
    It’s almost as if no one saw that coming…
  7. GAVIN CLARKSON CINCHES GOP NOMINATION FOR CD2
    We just wanted to show you this unaltered image from his last campaign again: