1. SMALL EARTHQUAKE REPORTED NEAR SANTA FE
    This time it was NOT from explosive tests at the lab.
  2. CORONAVIRUS SPREADING IN CHINA
    Still not anywhere as close as the disease-borne devastation white people unleashed on this globe over the past…all history.
  3. FORMER RIO ARRIBA SHERIFF TOMMY RODELLA—WHO BEAT UP A MOTORIST AND THEN TRIED TO BRING UP FALSE CHARGES AGAINST THEM—HAS TO SERVE THE REST OF SENTENCE DESPITE APPEAL
    Awwwwwww, naw really? Well, hang on a sec and just let us to get our tiny violin out of its case…
  4. UNM WANTS STUDENTS TO VOTE ON NEW SCHOOL SEAL
    Pretty much anything sans the murderers of yesteryear seems like an improvement.
  5. BILLY EILISH SWEEPS ALL THE BIG GRAMMY CATEGORIES
    And just remember, old people complaining about her jamz—they’re not for you!
  6. LIBRARY PATRONS REPORTEDLY IMPORTANT PART OF CENSUS-TAKING ACCURACY IN SANTA FE
    They’re also one of our only free spaces left, America—so be cool.
  7. NO GUNS ALLOWED AT ROUNDHOUSE GUN-LAW DEBATE
    Also no weed allowed at recreational cannabis debate.