1. MILITARY MEMBERS FLASH WHITE POWER “OK” SALUTE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION
    Yeah, they need to be fired. Out of a cannon. Into the sun.
  2. NUMBER OF PETS SURRENDERED TO SANTA FE ANIMAL SHELTER SWELLS IN THE MIDST OF LOCAL HOUSING CRISIS
    Sure, but have you seen the mayor’s hat?
  3. SANTA CLAUS VISITS PRESBYTERIAN HOSPITAL VIA HELICOPTER
    “But why didn’t Santa come by reindeer-propelled sleigh, Mater and Pater?” ask wide-eyed, innocent children who shall ne’er, e’er be the same.
  4. HALLMARK PULLS ADS FEATURING LESBIANS AFTER PRESSURE FROM ORGANIZATION ONE MILLION MOMS; APOLOGIZES AND PUTS ADS BACK INTO ROTATION AFTER PRESSURE FROM DECENT HUMAN BEINGS
    Gotta be a real drag to be a ‘phobe these days, right? Maybe y’all should just give up the ‘phobe-ing.
  5. NEW MEXICO GETS $3.5 MILLION TO FIGHT OPIOID EPIDEMIC
    But everyone should keep right on drinking through the holidays and beyond.
  6. MLB TO REMOVE CANNABIS FROM ITS LIST OF BANNED SUBSTANCES
    Because do we, as a country, really give a shit about our pitchers and batters and catchers and whoever else ripping the bong?
  7. “ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU” CHARTS AT NUMBER 1 FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
    Which means Mariah Carey will let us all live … for now.