1. ALBERTSONS ON ZAFARANO AND ST. FRANCIS JOIN OTHER CHAINS IN ADDING SELF CHECKOUT
    Because nothing says successful shopping like a making consumers work harder and eliminating jobs.
  2. NEW YORK TIMES ARTICLE SAYS CARLSBAD, NM, HOSPITAL “OFTEN SUES ITS PATIENTS”
    It just makes you so mad you wanna go live in a cave!
  3. CITY COUNCILOR SIGNE LINDELL CAUGHT ON POLICE LAPEL CAM SAYING PLAZA CONCERT-GOERS “STINK”
    At least she had the good sense to say “sorry” right away.
  4. RECORD CROWDS ATTEND ZOZOBRA
    We’re still holding out for decade 2030: Space Zozobra.
  5. WAL-MART TO DISCONTINUE CERTAIN TYPES OF AMMO, NO LONGER ALLOWING OPEN CARRY FIREARMS IN STORES NATIONWIDE
    Freedom scheduled to continue with fewer murders.
  6. CENTER FOR CONTEMPORARY ARTS TURNS 40 THIS WEEK …
    That’s 40 years of movies you only went to see so people would think you’re smart.
  7. …WHILE CANDYMAN STRINGS & THINGS TURNS 50 LATER THIS MONTH
    That’s 50 years of thinking your band is going to make it. It’s not. It’s really not.