1. JOY HARJO NAMED FIRST NATIVE AMERICAN US POET LAUREATE
    Heck yeah, she was! Congrats, Joy!
  2. BONE SPURS RESEMBLING HORNS FORMING IN SKULLS OF CONSTANT PHONE USERS
    You’re welcome, future humans who evolve totally sick-ass heavy-metal horns.
  3. SANTA FE BANDSTAND UNDERWAY ON THE PLAZA
    Normally you’d only get to see most of these bands, like, three to five times a month—tops.
  4. ALABAMA HOMOPHOBE ROY MOORE ANNOUNCES 2020 SENATE BID
    Instead, Roy—and hear us out—why don’t you just go away forever?
  5. STATE TAX AND REV ISSUES NEARLY $100 MILLION IN FILM REBATES
    If that doesn’t lure Billy Jack 2, we don’t know what will.
  6. TRUMP AUTHORIZES IRAN STRIKE, CHANGES MIND LAST-MINUTE
    The only reason we’re still alive is the fact that our president has goldfish brain.
  7. CENSUS TO USE DRONES WITH 2020 COUNT
    Everyone else to fear the obvious precursor actions to Skynet.