1. MUELLER REPORT IS MORE THAN 430 PAGES
    Probably the longest book Trump has ever read. JK, he hasn’t read it.
  2. EASTER, 4/20 FELL ON SAME WEEKEND
    He has risen higher and higher.
  3. LEADER OF VIGILANTE GROUP THAT HELD MIGRANTS AT GUNPOINT ALSO SUSPECTED OF PLOTTING ASSASSINATION OF HILLARY CLINTON, OBAMA, SOROS
    That tracks with what we know about militant, gun-happy monsters with no regard for non-white male human life.
  4. JEOPARDY! STAR ON 13-NIGHT WIN STREAK
    Suck it, Ken Jennings!
  5. MAYOR WEBBER WANTS $6 MILLION CITY BUDGET INCREASE
    And here we thought that’s roughly what the downtown parking meters raised per day.
  6. SUPREME COURT TO DECIDE WHETHER A FEDERAL LAW CAN DISCRIMINATE AGAINST LGBTQIA+ WORKERS
    Fuuuuuuuuck that.
  7. FOREST FENN STALKER TAKEN INTO CUSTODY IN NEVADA
    And if that’s where he was looking for the treasure, he read Fenn’s poem all wrong.