1. FELICITY HUFFMAN, OTHERS CHARGED IN COLLEGE CHEATING SCANDAL TO PLEAD GUILTY
    Did everybody already make Desperate Housewives jokes? They did? OK, cool. Just … so long as they did.
  2. BETTER CALL SAUL TO START FILMING FIFTH SEASON IN NEW MEXICO THIS MONTH
    “Squat cobbler. You know what squat cobbler is. Full moon moon pie. Boston cream splat. Simple Simon the ass man. Dutch apple ass. Guys, am I not speaking English here?”
  3. SANTA FE ASSOCIATION OF REALTORS SAYS MEDIAN HOME PRICE DROPPED SLIGHTLY
    Wahoo! Just kidding. You still can’t afford one.
  4. DEPT. OF HOMELAND SECURITY SECRETARY KIRSTJEN NIELSEN RESIGNS
    Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.
  5. NEW MEXICO DECRIMINALIZES CANNABIS UNDER A HALF OUNCE
    That’s 14.17 grams. Make sure those scales are tuned up.
  6. GOV. GRISHAM OKs MORE CASH FOR NEW MEXICO PUBLIC SCHOOLS
    Will that benefit lockdown equipment, bulletproof backpacks, making sure kids actually eat or paying teachers more than starvation wages? Hmm.
  7. TRUMP SAYS NOISE FROM WIND TURBINES CAN CAUSE CANCER
    Fact check: Wind turbines are in no way harmful to—oh forget it, what’s the point.