1. TRUMP VISITS EL PASO AND CALLS MAYOR “FULL OF CRAP”
    On the day before Lincoln’s birthday—another celebrated presidential oratory for schoolchildren to memorize.
  2. ONLINE IMPEACHMENT PETITION CALLS FOR MLG OUSTER OVER WITHDRAWAL OF BORDER TROOPS
    New Mexico House Republicans are also not happy because they’re “being ignored.” #bluewave
  3. SANTA FE OPERA WINS BEST OPERA RECORDING GRAMMY FOR (R)EVOLUTION OF STEVE JOBS
    Suck it, Metropolitan Opera Orchestra and the Metropolitan Opera Chorus’ recording of Strauss’ Der Rosenkavalier!
  4. JEFF BEZOS CALLS OUT NATIONAL ENQUIRER OVER DICK PIC BLACKMAIL
    A case of the dick calling the dick a dick.
  5. UTAH OWNERS OF RESIDENCE INN PLAN TO TRANSFORM HOTEL INTO AFFORDABLE HOUSING CIRCA 2020
    This just in: They’re all already rented out.
  6. A PERSON WHO BROKE INTO A HOUSTON HOME TO SMOKE WEED FINDS ABANDONED TIGER
    And so was born the greatest party story of all time.
  7. SANTA FE MINIMUM WAGE JUMPS 40 CENTS MARCH 1
    Enjoy your yachts and country club memberships, newly rich people!