1. CATHEDRAL RECTOR CALLS IT QUITS
    We’ll tell you, the church has had a really rough … 2,000 years.
  2. NEW MEXICO SCIENTISTS FIND NEW DINOSAUR SPECIES
    And they probably won’t name it Chile-Saurus—like they should.
  3. FARMINGTON TEEN STILL GOING STRONG ON NBC’s THE VOICE
    This issue of SFR runs two weeks, though, so we’ll just see how she’s doing come January.
  4. PHILLIP MORRIS TO OFFER CANNABIS CIGARETTES IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE
    Good news for stockholders, great news for people incarcerated over tiny amounts of weed!
  5. NEW YORK ATTORNEY GENERAL ORDERS TRUMP FOUNDATION TO DISSOLVE
    If your charity is too corrupt to even exist, should you be president?
  6. GARBAGE TRUCK CATCHES ON FIRE ON HIGHWAY 599
    Landfill rodents distraught over destruction of Christmas presents
  7. SPEAKING OF GARBAGE FIRES, 2018 IS OVER
    And if you even try to tell us that New Year’s is an arbitrary construct and signifies no real opportunity or renewed hope we will actually cry.