1. SOME GUY TRIED TO FIND FORREST FENN’S TREASURE AT FORREST FENN’S HOUSE AND GOT HELD AT GUNPOINT BY FORREST FENN (THEN ARRESTED)
    We don’t think any of these people understand how poetry works.
  2. HOT OFF THE PRESS—IT’S COLD OUTSIDE
    Thank your lucky stars for us hard-working journalists who bring you such information. Otherwise you’d have to look outside or something.
  3. TRUMP CALLS STORMY DANIELS A “HORSEFACE”
    Shut up, assface.
  4. NEW MEXICO NEWS OUTLETS SCRAMBLE TO POINT OUT RECENTLY-DECEASED MICROSOFT CO-FOUNDER PAUL ALLEN’S LOCAL CONNECTION
    See? Journalists are out there working for YOU!
  5. ELIZABETH WARREN EARNESTLY TRIES TO PROVE CHEROKEE HERITAGE CLAIM WITH DNA TEST, PISSES OF CHEROKEE
    This might not be the best election to bring race science into the picture.
  6. LIKELY MURDER OF JOURNALIST KHASHOGGI BY SAUDIS MESSING UP TRUMP’S MIDDLE EAST PLANS
    The joke is expecting Trump to care about a dead journalist … or to have Middle East plans.
  7. PROPOSED CHANGES TO LOCAL CAMPAIGN FUNDING MAY LIMIT TOTAL MONIES AVAILABLE TO CANDIDATES
    Bad news for internet bazillionaires, pretty OK news for everyone else.