1. TRUMP ORDERS NATIONAL GUARD TO THE BORDER
    Starts fire in Trump Tower to celebrate.
  2. GOVERNOR WANNABES REPORT NEARING OR PASSING $2 MILL MARK IN FUNDRAISING
    Yeah, but where’s all the weed at?
  3. 39 CITY EMPLOYEES GETTING TEMPORARY RAISES
    Everyone else putting their homes on Air BnB to make a few extra bucks.
  4. SANTA FE GETS GRANT TO REIMPLEMENT BOMB SQUAD SOME TIME AFTER 2019
    Nobody try to blow anything up before then, k? Thanks.
  5. SFR READER LIKENS PROPOSED TRUCKSTOP TO RED LIGHT DISTRICT IN LETTER TO EDITOR
    If it keeps sex workers safe and drums up a few extra bucks, we’re all for it.
  6. UDALL QUESTIONS ZUCKERBERG ABOUT FACEBOOK
    Now knows how to de-tag himself from photos, how to slide up in them inboxes.
  7. IT’S GETTING KINDA HOT OUTSIDE
    Dudes in flip-flops still gross.