We don't care what all those articles about streaming services or failing movie pass businesses refuse to stop telling us—going to the movies can still be fun, dammit. But times have also changed, and as anyone who has been to a feature film in a real-life theater can attest to, it's almost always the people that ruin the experience (not counting how the concession prices are pretty bonkers at a large number of theaters). Anyway, as always, we reached out to industry professionals who shall remain anonymous to give us a better idea of how to exist out there in the world as human beings.
Stop. Fucking. Talking.
We can't take this anymore, people who do this—you simply have to shut up while you're in a theater watching a movie. Whatever totally awesome observation you've just made about the characters, whatever thing you just remembered you wish you had told your buddy, whatever idea you have that makes you tell yourself that talking out loud is OK … is wrong. Everyone hates you. Cut it the fuck out.
Don’t Get Sneaky!
Yes, going to movies can be pricey, especially for larger groups. We get that. But that old thing you've always heard about how theaters make their money from food and drink and not the tickets is mostly true. Yes, there is a certain amount of profit to be had from the box office, but theaters truly remain open because of the candy and such. According to our sources, this is especially true for smaller and more independent theaters. According to them, sneaking in food and drink makes them suffer. This goes doubly for alcohol—because every time you think your cute little flask is warranted, you're violating the term of the theater's liquor license (or lack thereof), thereby running the risk that that place you love that serves beer won't be able to in the future.
Make Up Your Own Damn Mind
Rotten Tomatoes is a fun aggregate site that pulls together consumer and professional reviews of films, but it's not the goddamned law that you do what it says. Film reviews are great (I write them myself all the time), and can definitely be a part of your prep for movie-going, but if you're the type who values such things over your own personal thoughts and experiences, you're the worst. Truly.
Leave Your Shoes On
My sources tell me people start to act like the theater is their own home or something, and many a patron has decided it's a great place to take off their shoes. Here's a tip for remembering when it's OK to be in a group space without your shoes: Are you at a pool or beach? A trampoline park or ball pit? No? Then LEAVE 'EM ON, JERKS! Especially dudes, with your gross-ass feet.
They Screen When They Screen, Chad!
If you choose to go see that once-hot movie two months after it came out and well after the theaters have been playing it nonstop all the time, that's kind of on you. Read up on how the the industry of films work sometime—they're trying to make a bunch of money really fast. Is it a flawed system? You bet, but no more flawed than your trashing on a theater employee because the screening times have pared down late in the run. Get it together.
It's not a theater employee's fault that your damn MoviePass didn't work. And you can't very well walk into Violet Crown and expect them to honor the Regal Club. Try to be a human person about this. Do you use your library card at the Video Library? No! They're different things!