OK, so it’s a holiday, which is why we’re gonna take it reaaaaaaaal nice and easy this week. We know you’re busy. Heck, if you even opened this thing today, we salute you. It’s a holiday. Your mom is probably right behind you, hassling you about how today’s Thanksgiving is nothing—no, nothing—compared to the halcyon days of her own youth. She’s, like, Dylan Thomas-ing in Thanksgiving form while Denholm Elliott rolls over in his grave (boom—topical) and you’re reading The Fork, which is arguably the stupidest food newsletter ever around. Dig? Dig.
So anyway, it’s Thanksgiving, and we thought we could ring in the holiday by first mentioning what a bunch of colonialist hokum this holiday is, and then by dedicating this edition of Le Fork to shitty food porn. To be more precise, to the Facebook group Shitty Food Porn—a glorious compendium of the grossest looking foods around. Why, you ask, are we doing this? Well, the answer is twofold: Firstly of all, because we’re heading into a holiday which has made us lazy. And second, because even if you’re struggling to make a pretty meal over there for whatever reason, it’s not likely as terrible as the following images we pulled right from the group. Join them, won’t you? It’s funny!
Oh, we thought of another reason. Y’all remember last year when we did the edition about weird Thanksgiving foods? We didn’t want to repeat ourselves, but we did want to do something...less than serious. Just, like, know that.
And let’s jump in:
We start with this, because it appears to be some kind of bird, but also, like, what?! So they’ve thrown in half a carrot and called it a day, huh? Bet your turkey looks like a real winner by comparison. Again, though, it’s so weird that we eat birds.
We thought this would be a good one to add because we’re from New Mexico and find this particular action one of the more reprehensible things we’ve ever seen. We know New Mexican food is a Thanksgiving staple for many, burritos included, probably. This, however, is just a bunch of crap.
OK, we don’t actually know if this is real or altered, but insofar as we don’t actually doubt that it could be made, we’re erring on the side of how we’ve entered a horrible new timeline wherein people think this is OK. So maybe your pecan pie didn’t gel the way you thought it would—at least it isn’t this.
We had to look this one up after the last thing, and it’s totally real. WHY!? We get that the pumpkin spice thing became a joke or whatever, but at what point are we just playing God and unleashing unholy abominations upon the world? Shoutout to any Final Fantasy XV fans out there who thought of Gladiolus when they saw this pic. If you don’t know what that means, it’s fine...the joke wasn’t for you.
As you know, we’re down with hot dogs. This, however, is insanity. Someone is drunk with power, or they just want to see the world burn like some kind of culinary Heath Ledger. Actually, wait...we might be coming around. Is this be the worst thing we’ve ever seen? Naw. Naw. We don’t want it for Thanksgiving, but if we were good and high, maybe? We’ll have to mull.
Lastly, one more for the New Mexicans—a little something horrible to make you miss your mom’s cooking. Hers is so much better. Actually, we get why Mom is hassling us about the holiday. It’s kind of about loss of time and missing youth and the horrible realization that time only moves in one direction. What’s that, Mother? No! No, we can’t commit to being entombed with you. We must stay and fight until our blood turns brown on the rocks of glory.
Happy Thanksgiving, you bunch of colonialist monsters, you!
You could always spend your holiday watching 10 hours of this...
-We see the Santa Fe New Mexican’s Teya Vitu finally caught up to SFR’s reporting on Felipe’s Tacos. Welcome to the conversation, TNM! Naw, just kidding. We’re so bummed Felipe Martinez is closing up shop, which is why we keep mentioning it.
-We’ll have to eat our own words here, though, because Vitu totally beat us to the punch with the whole Ecco Gelato & Espresso changing hands thing. In case you hadn’t heard, longtime owner Matt Durkovich has passed ownership on to Agapao Coffee proprietor Dave Black, who tells the New Mexican he expects to reopen by this weekend. You win this round, Vitu!!!
-BREAKING: We’re sure Teya Vitu is very nice.
-We hear La Boca’s chef James Campbell Caruso will at long last open his corner store/deli/coffee shop/sandwich joint, La Boca Bodega, on Dec. 2. Word from our boss is that you can expect a full-on story about this in next week’s SFR. He also said the sandwich he sampled while reporting the story was outta control. Anyway, stay tuned.
-Speaking of stuff happening downtown, we admit we’re intrigued by the upcoming La Casa Sena Wine Shop sparkling wine tasting, but mainly because it’s called Fizz the Season. Someone give whoever came up with the name a raise! Anyway, it’s on Saturday, Dec. 10 and a mere $40 per person. Call (505) 982-2121 to get tickets, or email firstname.lastname@example.org.
-The New Mexico Restaurant Association, which is that association dedicated to New Mexico restaurants, has announced its 2022-23 executive committee, and it includes some pretty cool NM restaurant folk—like incoming chairman Russell Hernandez of Salud! de Mesilla, treasurer George Gundrey of Tomasita’s and Rancho de Chimayo’s Florence Jaramillo. We like that restaurant folk make up the association because they know what restaurant folk need (which is pretty much a good, long break).
-Not so much food, but local pianist Doug Montgomery will celebrate 40 years of playin’ shows in Santa Fe with a special show on Sunday, Dec. 4 at Rio Chama Steakhouse. The party starts at 6 pm, and it’s free to attend—no reservations required.
-That’s it for local news because everyone is too tired to pick up the phone right now, apparently.
We’re not even sure what we mean by this, but this is...macabre.
-Setting aside how the World Cup being in Qatar is weird and shitty for so many reasons, it seems sponsoring beer company Budweiser has promised to send any unsold beer from the event to the winning country. Cool?
-But wait...why did they do this? Why is there unsold beer? Turns out Qatar told the company it could only sell non-alcoholic Bud to folks a mere two days before things got started. So maybe that is cool of them after all? Actually, you know what? There are so many better beers, and you just know a company that size is up to weird things.
-DJ “I refuse to go down on my wife” Khaled is now selling what many are calling a Crunchwrap copycat. The so-called Khaled Krunch is coated in Cheeto dust and has waffle fries and...actually, that sounds awesome.
-Speaking of Cheeto dust, the company released its own Cheeto grinder (which looks an awful lot like a coffee grinder), with which folks can transform Cheetos into dust to go on other food. We don’t hate it.
-And that’s it, because we’re about to eat so much mushroom gravy that we collapse into sleep for days and days. Have a good time, nerds!
A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Fork’s Correspondence
In the print edition of SFR this week, find so so so much food stuff, from a story about new downtown tasting rooms, a review of new film The Menu and a little bit about a new food anthology edited by Zosia Mamet.
Number of Letters Received
*And so many of you donating to The Food Depot for our contest wherein people who prove they donated to The Food Depot might win an OK prize! You can still do that, just send us proof of your donation at email@example.com.
Most Helpful Tip of the Week (a barely edited letter from a reader)
“You know what? Pumpkins ARE my favorite gourd.”
*Is it weird that we only have luke-warm gourd feelings at best?
Actually Helpful Tip(s)
A few vegetarian recipe ideas that are too long to include here, but very much appreciated.
*We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again—Fork readers are the best readers around.
Praying Clamdy Canes are a joke,