The Fork: The Worst Candy

When we were but a young Forkling, romping through the fens and spinneys, there was this guy a couple streets over who always gave out pennies for Halloween. His name was Mr. Green, our dad told us, and even though we were excited to get free stuff, what the heck were we really supposed to do with a penny? You couldn’t eat it (or, at least, you shouldn’t have and we didn’t), you couldn’t really spend it (nothing has ever cost one penny, even a million years ago) and you had to feign excitement. It was basically the suck trifecta.

And even though we could harp on effing pennies for the next few thousand words, we are actually trying to make a point here: Don’t give kids a bunch of crap for Halloween.

We mention this because, despite being old now, we can still recall traipsing from house to house demanding sweets from strangers, and for every full-sized Three Musketeers bar you got, you’d get some kind of nonsense that sucked so bad your parents wouldn’t even steal it from your bag while you slept. In other words, we assume many of you who live in trick-or-treat heavy neighborhoods are now stocking up on candy and such to hang out—especially since it doesn’t look like lockdowns will prevent Halloween carousing this year—and we’re begging you to avoid the following crap:

Candy Corn

Who on Earth likes this stuff? It’s waxy, it’s flavorless, it hurts your teeth like that’s its sole job as the execs at Brach’s laugh and laugh. Like, even as a last-ditch candy, it’s wack. Like, even if you’re dying from sweet toothery and just need something, ANYTHING, you’d probably still prefer a sharp stick in the eye.

Necco Wafers

“Oh, boy!” shouts no kid anyplace. “Chalky, flavorless discs that have the consistency of aged bone meal!” So maybe Necco Wafers were an OK thing during the Great Depression or something—a point in human history during which everything else sucked so hard that this was the only real choice, so it somehow felt better than nothing. Today, though? There’s Kit-Kats, you jamokes!

Horehound Lumps

The name actually fits these disgusting little purple-ish monstrosities that taste like licorice that fermented inside a decaying rodent on the side of the road in a particularly humid area of the world. If you’re giving these out, you might as well just break some poor kid’s arm, because yo, they’re TERRIBLE.

Wax Lips

More like shit lips. In fact, don’t give out wax anything—not even those little Coke bottles that have goo in them.

Bit-O-Honey

It’ll be six weeks later and you’ll still be pulling bits-o-it out of your teeth. Kids hate it. In fact, maybe only your grandma likes it. Ours does, but as we’ve discussed a lot lately, she’s a maniac.

Mary Janes (or any peanut butter/taffy-ish things)

They’re the damn worst and, we think, pretty much only still around because it reminds some olds of a simpler time. There are so many awesome peanut butter sweet things out there, giving kids these teeth-ripping abominations is no different than handing out notes that read, “Your parents’ divorce actually was your fault.”

Boston Baked Beans

“Here, Billy,” you’ll say. “Why not crack your jaw on these bad boys?” Boston Baked Beans are literally just peanuts (the most garbage of all the nuts) coated in some sort of candy that really feels more like it’s rocks. In fact, this candy might just be rocks. Don’t do it.

Circus Peanuts

Speaking of garbage peanuts, giving these things out to kids at Halloween is a great way to get your house egged. We’re not even sure what Circus Peanuts are made of, but we think it might be the inner foam of old couches, or maybe the toxic runoff of some kind of sewage treatment process. Whatever it is, these suck. Know that.

And, look—we get that not everybody can just slap down the bucks to buy the good stuff. But we’re not suggesting you go out and import whiskey Kit-Kats so much as we’re saying that variety bags of well-known choco products are cheap as hell at the Wal-Marts and the Targets and the Walgreenses. Try to remember that a lot of kids missed out on trick-or-treating last year. Try to be cool And whatever you do, don’t buy licorice this season or any season.

This one’s for you, Mr. Green (because you were old when we were a kid, and now we’re OLD, so, like, you’re surely dead).

Also

-Those rascals at pop-up dining outfit Dig & Serve have partnered with chef David Gaspar de Alba of Albuquerque eatery Oni for an overnight dining and glamping experience at Kit Fox (which we hear is near Lamy, but maybe you know more than we do?). Spots are limited, but you get to hang out, eat meals and snacks and, apparently, an adorable ceramic ramen bowl is your gift to keep.

-According to a recent survey from recovery-based website Withdrawal-dot-net, 1 in 10 New Mexicans got into making their own moonshine during the pandemic (with nearly 40% conducting literally zero research ahead of time which, as you might imagine, probably led to some super-fun medical things). Alaska, the survey says, became the moonshine capital of the country. George Washington, meanwhile, would be proud—first Hamilton and now this.

-Heads up that the hours at the Santa Fe Farmers Market are a-changing to 8 am-1 pm on Saturdays and Tuesdays. It’s a fall thing, y’know? And while we’re talkin’ Market, and in case you didn’t know, SNAP recipients can double their bucks with its vendors, so that’s pretty great, too.

-Lastly in local jazz this week, we hear the Root 66 Café/Bakery has reopened under new management at 1704 Lena Street here in Santa Fe. Monday through Thursday, it’s a café and, on Fridays, they go full-on bakery over there. Everything on the menu is vegan, too! Score for you, right?

More Tidbits

-The McRib is returning to McDonald’s, which we’re filing under “W” for “Who the hell cares?” For any readers who don’t know, the McRib is a bunch of meat goo that goes through a sort of casting/mold process through which said goo sort of resembles meat and bones. Yuck (which we say being fully OK eating a Filet O’ Fish).

-Oct. 1 was International Coffee Day and we weren’t informed? This is the Optics Festival all over again! What good are y’all if you’re not gonna tell us about the days?! Anyway, coffee tastes great and we really like it a lot. Do you also like coffee, or...?

-Danish restaurant Noma was recently named number one on the World’s 50 Best Restaurants List, something that has happened a few times before according to Eater-dot-com. Writers Hillary Dixler Canavan and Ryan Sutton also deftly point out how lists like this tend to favor male-run, Euro-centric eateries, which flies in the face of New Mexico restaurant values where our lady and trans and non-binary food folks are among the best anyplace (and we’ll fight you to the death on that point). Anyway, you can learn more here.

-Is everyone subscribed to the America’s Test Kitchen YouTube channel? You should be. Not only did we get to laugh in haughty derision at La Forkette when she acted like Skippy peanut butter sucks (a theory ATK demolished with a blind taste test), we’ve gotten killer info on the best coco powders, French toast methodologies and lots more. We’ll put a link riiiiiiiiiiiggggghhhhhhhhhhhhht here. Go nuts.

-Website WalletHub-dot-com, which is some kind of hub for wallets, released rankings for the 182 best food cities in America, with Portland, Oregon, taking home top honors. Is Santa Fe on the list? Nope. But Las Cruces somehow clocks in at 155—in your face, Bismarck, North Dakota! Anyway, whoever compiled this list is easily history’s greatest villain.

-Oh, good! the 5-Hour Energy people now have a full-sized carbonated beverage called Trucker’s Choice. Just kidding, it’s just called 5-Hour Energy. Now, we haven’t sampled this thing (we’d rather drink 15 cups of coffee than a single energy drink), but we’re scared.

-Lastly in food news of the world (or at least America), Oscar Mayer (that’s the company where the bologna has a first and last name) has kicked off a streetwear collection available in the iconic Wienermobile. We’ve definitely seen that wiener car in Santa Fe more than once, so if you really need wiener clothes, keep an eye out.

This is fucking cursed.

A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Fork’s Correspondence

In this week’s print edition of SFR, our Culture Editor got sushi from a truck and was SUPER into it. Read on by following this here link.

Number of Letters Received

17

*When we were 17, it was a very good year...

Most Helpful Tip of the Week (a barely edited letter from a reader)

“Have you ever thought about writing lessons?”

*Why would we do that when we already have the writing job?

Actually Helpful Tip(s)

No one was sincerely helpful this week. Just mean.

*SO mean

___________________________________________________

Your candy girl,

The Fork