Stay Home, Though

Hi, yes, hello. It is us—your friend The Fork. We’re back. Whew. We almost didn’t make it, y’know? Like, the health orders are nuts right now and the holidays are looming and we keep wondering if we’re even going to give people gifts this year (even the people in our lives don’t know our secret identity, which is hard!) and also, btw, we’re very tired. We know we’ve been saying that a lot lately, but it’s true. We all are. It’s a terrible time in human history.

BUT!

We’re not done yet. We are, however, here to remind you to stay home for Thanksgiving. We read a survey someplace (we already forgot where, sorry) that said something like 38% of Americans have decided they’ll just go ahead and see their families for the holiday. This strikes us as weird. As it stands, we already dislike “It’ll probably be fine if I just do it,” thinking, and we’re especially bummed out by “Grandma’s lived a good life, but it’s more important that we eat turkey in her proximity,” thinking. So stay home. Just stay home. That’s our plan. Why, just last night our partner, L’Forkette, was like, “Let’s just stay home, right?” And we were like, “Yeah. Sounds good.”

And that should be fine, y’know? Like, it should be fine. Thanksgiving is one of the weirder holidays anyway. Setting aside how its fake-ass history is fake as hell, it’s also a conspiracy formed by Big Turkey to keep us buying stuffing stuff. Naw, just kidding. We’re not crazy. But we do know things about the holiday you might not.

For example, it used to be a costumed affair known colloquially as Ragamuffin Day. No, this is true. People would dress up and roam the streets in costumes—especially young people. We like the word “ragamuffin.”

And anyway, the idea of some holidays having special meaning is weird in and of itself. Ain’t nobody out there celebrating Flag Day (what would one even eat on Flag Day? Flags?) or, like, Arbor Day (we actually assume people plant trees for Arbor Day). Regardless, the only reason we do it is because Sarah Josepha Hale (who also wrote “Mary Had a Little Lamb”) petitioned as many presidents as she could until, finally, Lincoln was like “Four score and seven beers ago, we the people chose to make Thanksgiving a thing again.” See, while it was declared a holiday in 1777 by the Continental Congress’ slave-owning slave owners, it fell out of style until Hale brought it back for whatever reason.

You just replaced “dees” with “doos.”

And don’t even get us started on the tryptophan myth. Yes, turkey has it—but no more than any other dang bird you eat. The reason you get tired on Thanksgiving is because you eat way more than usual. Like, a bellyfull of mashed potatoes is making you tired. Also, you just drank a bunch of beer and watched some dumb football match, so you’re probably bored, too.

Meanwhile, the only reason it exists on the day it does is because FD-freaking R moved it from original day of who-the-hell-cares to the Thursday before December starts—and all to get you in the mood for Christmas shopping. The big box stores have used this “coincidence” ever since to get people to trample other people for second rate televisions. And why? Because all holidays are the nefarious plan of doctors who specialize in trampling. Who among us hasn’t called up our Trample Specialist in the days after Black Friday to be like, “Doc? It happened again!”

Which brings us to our final point—the presidential turkey pardoning. What in the what kind of weird-ass country picks a guy to be the caretaker for nuclear weapons and then is also like, “But make sure you do the cute turkey thing, too!” Like, that seems like a waste of their time, though at least a little better than the traditions wherein people toss live turkeys out of airplanes (Google it—it’s true and horrendous).

Anyway, the point has been and will continue to be this: If you love the people in your life...your family and friends and whomsoever else you might usually be hanging with right around next week, do them and yourselves a favor and call to say “It sucks we can’t hang this year, but if we ever want to see each other again, we’ll do everything we can to hunker down and be cool. We love you and hope to see you soon!”

No, that’s not fascism or some form of tyranny—it’s called being a fucking human being. You should try it some time. Except for the people who throw turkeys out of airplanes. There’s no hope of humanity for you anymore. In all seriousness, however, we wish everyone well. We’re taking next week off for the holiday, and we hope you all do the same responsible thing we’ll be doing, which is falling asleep in the afternoon, sitting straight up, marathon-ing some dumb movie on HBO Max.

Also

-Since the state lockdown is in effect until Nov. 30 at least, any plans you may have had to attend restaurant Thanksgiving are out. BUT these places are no doubt going to be offering to-go items. Call ahead (we don’t work at a restaurant and can’t speak for them, only ABOUT them) and tip huge, jabronis.

-We got two suggestions for where to get a T-Day bird over and over: Natural Grocers and Pollo Real. Our guess is that we may be late in the game, but all the rules are different this year...as in, there might still be birds because people are having a hard time deciding what to do. Like everything else, call or email first. It’s entirely possible they’re not taking orders by the time you get this (but we hope they are).

-Don’t forget to try and order pies, too, from places like Whoo’s Donuts (that’s where L’Forkette ordered ours this year and we’re super-excited, honestly) or Chocolate Maven or wherever you think they might do pies. If you’re looking for something more DIY, check out this week’s regular issue of SFR for a pumpkin cheesecake recipe courtesy of the Santa Fe School of Cooking.

-If you hadn’t heard, we’re sorry to tell you that Cowgirl will be taking an extended three-month break from service. Owner/board president Patrick Lambert told SFR about it just recently, which you can read about here.

-Meanwhile, the Plaza Galeria (which is on the Plaza) recently welcomed Sushi 8 into the spot that once housed The Beestro. We are all about new Japanese offerings in town, but they couldn’t have opened a few weeks ago before SFR moves to a different building in a different part of town? Jeeze! Don’t forget, too, that Dumpling Tea & Dim Sum is in the same building, so if you really wanted, you could get an amazing combo of Chinese/Japanese cuisine in one trip.

More Tidbits

-You know those Kind bars that make you think you’re eating healthy, but really you’re just having candy? Like, they’re the muffins (which are cake) of the granola bar world? Anyway, they just got bought by Mars (the company that makes Snickers and presumably other things), so...the transformation is complete. In all seriousness, we love those Kind bars. And Mars bars. Do they make Mars bars anymore?

-In the world’s never ending quest to make things that should be simple a ridiculous affair of needlessness (dang, how “Get off our lawn!” do we sound right now?), it turns out there is such a thing as hot chocolate bombs. Think bath bomb, but for a cup. It’s exactly what you think it is, and now that we’ve typed out this item, we actually think it sounds really cool.

-We will not, however, be lauding the next item—an apple pie flavored Pepsi. Yeah, the people at Pepsi have basically mad scientist-ed cola, creating an apple pie flavor. In our eyes, this is literally like looking God square in the face and saying “You’re dead.” This is the weirdest thing ever. Luckily, it’s only part of a giveaway, so we probably won’t be seeing it in stores. We were also about to make some crack about the poor guy at CNN who had to write about/report this, but then we realized we were doing the exact same thing. Anyway, no thanks, PepsiCo.

-In better bevvie news, there’s now a Waffle House beer. We repeat—there’s now a Waffle House beer. What’s it called? Bacon and Kegs. What’s it taste like? Bacon. Is it beer? Yes. Do we love Waffle House? Also yes.

-Lastly this week, a reminder to try and shop responsibly. People are panic buying, and part of that means items that are specifically meant to go to people who are on government assistance programs wind up in short supply. Please only buy what you need and try to think of those for whom this ordeal is imminently more terrifying. Read up a little. Do right. Think about what we owe each other. Be kind (note that sassiness is not being unkind).

Finally

In the print edition of SFR, learn how to learn how to cook from your buds at the Santa Fe School of Cooking (and get a recipe)!

A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Fork’s Correspondence

Number of Letters Received 41 *And y’all missed Pizza Hut toys as much as we do!

Most Helpful Tip of the Week (a barely edited letter from a reader) “I’m going to read a different newsletter if you’re not careful.” *We probably won’t be careful. Good luck with the new one!

Actually Helpful Tip All those people who told us about the turkey places where there are turkeys. *Turkeyyyyyyy, yeah!Keep it real, jive turkeys, The Fork

PS: Reminder that we’re off next week, but we’ll see you in December.

PPS: Whom do we hope can find an ethical turkey for this year’s Thanksgiving?