Snoozers.
We don't care that a Chipotle Mexican Grill is opening in Santa Fe in the not-too-distant future in the Crossroads Shopping Center at Cerrillos Road and St. Francis Drive that also houses Tiny's, a locksmith, Susan's Fine Wines and Spirits and probably other stuff. And it's not about the chain sucking (though this website is pretty serious about that) or about how roughly 700 people in Ohio got sick eating at the fast-casual burrito (and probably other stuff) joint last August. It's about how there are better local options—and, in a lot of cases, they're not very far from the proposed location.

We talk about La Choza a lot in The Fork, so we won't go down that road (they're across the street from the soon-to-be-Chipotle; we did hear that their sister restaurant, The Shed, just made their beloved mocha cake gluten-free, though) but just off the top of our heads, we'd prefer El Chile ToreadoBurrito Spot, Felipe's Tacos, Baja Tacos, El Parasol, Bumblebee's Baja Grill, Atrisco Café and probably about a bazillion others we aren't remembering just now.

We also want to cut you off at the "But it's affordable, The Fork!" pass, both because that shouldn't be an excuse for shitty food that makes people sick and because we, too, are poor and still understand that better burritos are nearby. Plenty-cheap ones, too.

Look, this isn't about being anti-development or even being anti-chain. We've bought many a thing from Best Buy and eaten more DQ Blizzards than anyone ever should. It's about not giving a shit about watered-down versions of fantastic foods, many of which are done so well in Santa Fe that one actually actively choosing to avoid them just feels silly.

But we also want your thoughts. Write us (calmly) about how you're feeling about this news and let's get a real dialogue going. We've asked for this before, and you've all failed us. The time is now, the place is here, the people is … you. Word? Word.

Sometimes the internet bums us out so much.

Also
-Did you hear we're getting a Chipotle? Just kidding, of course you did. During our rant up there.

-New Mexico loves Anthony Bourdain, and we're not just talking about that dinner at Arroyo Vino we told y'all about last week. According to KRQE, which is a news outlet that's pretty cool, but obviously not as cool as your pal The Fork, Bourdain is the most popular celeb chef in our state.

-La Boca is hosting the very special Spring Wine Dinner on April 11, and the menu looks out of control. With items like grilled octopus, a Galician-style empanada with duck confit and a desert featuring sweet cheeses, it's no wonder La Boca's chef James Campbell Caruso is so beloved. It'll run $125 a person.

-Speaking of special dinners, Terra at the Four Seasons Resort Rancho Encantado is hosting one heck of an Easter brunch come Sunday April 21. The price tag runs $47.50 for kids, $95 for adults, and we hear it's going to be incredible. We're talking items like chilaquiles with local chile, grilled Scottish salmon, a freaking paella station and more. Learn more by clicking riiiiiiight ….. here.

-And there are even more special dinners coming up, which we're telling you about early so as to give you a fighting chance at reservations. On Friday April 19, Eloisa hosts its Fourth Annual Community Seder to help all New Mexicans ring in Passover. You don't have to be Jewish, and it'll set you back $10-$55, depending on whether you're a kid/when you buy your tickets.

-As long as we're talkin' special food events, the Cocktails and Culture fest is coming up in May, and the Taco Wars event is known to sell out super-fast. Get your tix, get your tacos, get real, vitamin breath!

-We've heard tell of yet another food podcast worth your earholes' time, this one called Made In Marrow. It's been described to us as "Julie and Julia the movie but with two busy folks and NOT Julia Child's cookbook." Here's a link.

-Congrats to Rowley Farmhouse Ales for making craftbeer.com's list of Great American Beer Bars. From what we hear, they ran an extensive poll of their readers, and Rowley is just that good. You can learn even more about Rowley's founder John "no nickname" Rowley right here.

More Tidbits
-Heinz ketchup, which you may know as the one you'd rather have than Hunt's, turns 150 this year. Wow! That's a lot of ketchup history! To celebrate, here's some weird ketchup facts we dug up:

  • The average person eats roughly three bottles of ketchup per year. That’s insane, but whatever.
  • Eating a mere 4 tablespoons of ketchup equals the same nutrition as a full-on medium-sized tomato.
  • They don’t use preservatives in those bad boys, unlike most other packaged foods
  • That “57” on the side of those Heinz bottles? No, it’s not about the number of Heinz products, nor is it about the number of ingredients, it’s where you’re supposed to tap an overturned bottle to make the ketchup slide out better. Thanks, Johnny Rockets waiter from 17 years ago who told us that—we use the info all the time. Is Johnny Rockets still a thing? And is Johnny Rockets really a guy? Does he go by Jonathan Rockets? These are the things The Fork thinks about.

A
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Y
W
A
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-You know how everyone has been upset with chicken fast foodery Chick-Fil-A, and not just for the monumentally weird way they insist on spelling their business' name? Well, it's usually because the chain has famously donated to anti-LGBTQ+ causes and, according to eater.com, they're still at it. Disappointing.

-White choco marshmallow M&Ms are real—maybe a little too real—and you need to know about it because you hate your teeth and you hate eating like a normal human person and because why on Earth wouldn't you want to know?

-Ben Affleck effing LOVES Dunkin' Donuts, and delish.com has the receipts. Word is, the star of such hit films as Reindeer Games and whatever that one where he shot those dudes was called eats there every day. If only he loved Batman enough not to make such a stupid Batman movie. We assume the copy editor, a native of New Jersey—where Dunkin' is like some sort of Heaven's Gate-caliber cult—read this information thinking "Hell yeah, you do, Ben!!!!" Copy editor's note: Naturally. Also, Ben is from Eastern Mass, and they are even MORE wild about DD up there (yes, it's possible), so it all checks out in my expert-about-DD book.

-Santa Fe had its own run-in with a proposed sugary drink tax a couple years back, but now it seems like more pediatricians are onboard nationally with doing whatever we can to stop kids from drinking so much soda, including upping the tax cost. The Fork rarely touches the stuff, so we have no real dog in this fight. NPR has more details.

-BuzzFeed tells us that Chrissy Teigen takes 30 dang minutes to make scrambled eggs (which sounds like madness), and that they're apparently great. Huh. Read it. Discuss.

-Lastly today, for all you winos out there, Food & Wine has named their top sommeliers for the year. Don't know what a sommelier is? They are those restaurant and wine shop people who good at wine and know all about it and drink it and have good smelling powers and a strong concept of terroir. Zam. Anyway, there actually aren't that many seriously certified somms out there, so it's kind of a big deal.

*SNEAKY BONUS M&Ms STATEMENT*
-Did you know that M&Ms was approached to be the official candy ET goes nuts over in the 1982 Stewart Spiegelberger vehicle ET The Extra Terrestrial? True fact. It seems that the Mars company, which owns the brand, didn't believe the film would do so well, so they declined the invitation. "We're in talks with Cheers actor Bebe Neuwirth, who may just become the voice of a bizarre and overtly-sexualized cartoon green M&M one day, so you can hit the bricks, nerds!" they [probably] said. Anyway, Reese's stepped in with their own candy, known to you as Pieces—and the rest, as they say, is all about how a wrinkled space monster teaches a disconnected family how to feel feelings and make their bicycles fly with his creepy-ass little face and neon-glowing fingertips.

This has been The Fork: Your guide to the world of facts.

*SUB-SNEAKY STATEMENT STATEMENT*
We hear Drew Barrymore (who was in ET, btw) has been hanging around Santa Fe, specifically The Matador bar downtown and The Mine Shaft Tavern in Madrid. If you see her, just be cool.

The face you make when you know Reese's Pieces are the key to the effing universe…

Finally
In the print edition of SFR, food wrangler Zibby Wilder sets out to help you de-plastic your life, starting in your very own kitchen. We assume you have easy access to your kitchen. We know we found it wildly helpful and hope to incorporate some of her handy tips into our own lives soon. Will you? Either way, while you're over there checking it out, look through the rest of her scrawlings for even more food and drink-related tomfoolery.
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A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Fork's Correspondence 

Number of Letters Received
52
*And everybody's nice this time!

Most Helpful Tip of the Week 
“We saw you driving.”
*False. The Fork travels by hovering a few millimeters off the ground and astral-projection only. Also, you know nothing of what The Fork looks like!

Actually Helpful Tip
Fork reader-abouter Karen tells us we need to add a couple places to our just-outside-town list of restaurants from last week, including Beer Creek Brewery and the San Marcos Café and Feed Store. Says Karen of San Marcos in particular, "The restaurant is housed in a beautiful old adobe farm house. Be sure to check out the peacocks, exotic geese and other cool birds out back. It's a fun spot with fantastic food."
*Thanks for the hot tips, Kare-Bear!
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Smooches,
The Fork

P.S. "Struggs to Func" is the hottest phrase of 2019 and you just need to know that. Also, we heart JVN, so …