'Twas the Week Before X-Mas
We've learned a lot this week, dear readers. For example—not making oneself go mad in the pursuit of presents. We had a feeling, and that's why we always give so cheaply and crappily, but we finally settled on, if someone in our lives looks our gift horse in the mouth, why are they in our lives? We aren't rich! What we ARE is been thinking. What? >Look, shut up and stick with us here. We've been thinking (there, grammar) about another addition to ye olde gift guide, but this time with food-related gifts that are stupid. Why? Because that's funny. So here we go—bad food gifts guide from yer pal The Fork. Use them on someone you don't like:
This Gross-Ass Butter Dispenser
Who hasn't thought their pats of butter would go down better with that space-taking dairy gun that shits out thin ribbons of your favorite butter?
Scissors Made Specifically for Scissoring Pizza
Oh, c'mon now! A pair of scissors for pizza? Who thoughts they were going to improve on the time-honored tradition of the roller? Or applying enough pressure with your dull, old kitchen knife until the pizza cracks into vaguely-triangled slices? C'mon now!
These Also-Stupid Scissors for Salads
Note that if you buy or own these scissors, you've surely got more money than sense and are probably the same type of person who buys those already-made peanut butter and jelly sammies. Salads aren't that hard, OK? Like, they're not scissors-level hard!
This Grape Slicer Because for Some Reason You Can't Just Eat a Damn Grape As-Is
Yo, grapes are pretty small, y'know? We've even been pretty into these over-sized grapes we found at Whole Foods, so really, the question isn't how to slice grapes, but why slice grapes? Giving this to someone is basically like saying "I think you'll choke if you're left unattended with grapes."
This Thing That Lets You Grab a Pickle Without Using Your Hands
What kind of monster are you? Seriously, though, who among you is sitting there thinking about how you'd love to eat more pickles, you just can't hang with the way one has to grab the pickle out of a jar? Get real. Anyway, this pickle picker sucks and we hate it.
Basically you if you buy a pickle picker.
As we come down to the wire, we're asking you, the ravenous and unflappable readers of The Fork, to tell us what you might make for a vegetarian X-Mas dinner. So far we've settled on mashed potatoes, and … what else? Remember that the Field Roast is right out. Help? Thanks!
-If you were wondering how else America might outdo itself as being just one of the grossest countries in all the world, note that salad dressing company Hidden Valley (the one with the commercials where the milkmen deliver ranch dressing for some reason) has released a special magnum bottle of ranch for this year's holiday. Good lord.
-Meanwhile, in Germany, a tragic accident occurred at the DreiMeister choco-factory when something like 12 tons of gooey choco leaked from a storage tank and flooded the nearby streets. The company's president assured German and Austrian fans that they'd be back up and running before Christmas, but in a world full of we're-running-out-of-choco warnings, can this ever really be OK?
-Readers of food website Food52.com helped compile 2018's 10 best cookbooks. A lot of them are by food celebs, but some look pretty interesting all on their own, no celebrities or nuthin'. If you had to pick just one cookbook to use forever and ever, what would it be?
-Actor Stephen Mangan of underrated Showtime show Episodes took to twitter recently to ask the world what they call that end piece of bread. We like good old-fashioned "butt," but "loafscab" has quite a ring to it. The thread is long, you guys.
-IMPORTANT: Cinnamon Toast Crunch come in churro form. Pretty great news if you like either of those things (which are pretty similar things, we admit). Look, do you want to have fun in life, or do you want to point out what cereals do or don't taste like? We'd eat them, that's all we know.
-This entry is just a link to a place that suggests places to buy wine online. Use it in good health, ya bunch of Hulk-a-maniacs!
-And speaking of booze, here's a whole bunch of recipes for the season that you can use to make it through the next six days or so. You're welcome.
We’re taking next week off to spend some time at home and enjoy the holiday and such, but we’ll be thinking of you Fork fans! Enjoy your holiday, too, and reach out to tell us about the food you’re getting into this year. We sincerely want to hear about it!
A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Fork’s Correspondence Number of Letters Receieved
*We figure you’re busy with Christmas.
Most Helpful Tip of the Week (edited slightly for length)
*Ummmm … sure!
In this week’s print edition of SFR, find useful information on Café Atalaya, Santa Fe’s newest answer to the question “Where do I get some good crepes around here?”
Happy Christmas, y’all!