The Children Are Coming
Six days left until Halloween and the whole dang world is going bonkers! Naw, not really. In reality, this year seems kind of staid compared to others. Oh sure, there'll be parties and sweets and trick-or-treaters and always that handful of bad-egg kids tossing bad eggs and toilet paper at houses—youthful good fun (don't call the police, though—we know it's not fun to clean, but the police are scary these days), but everyone seems pretty bummed because of the whole everything happening right now is terrible thing.
We asked some folks and their kids who we know about what kind of Halloween things they wish people considered, and here's what we've learned.
Nobody Likes Abba Zabbas, Even Your Weird Uncle Who Insists He Does
Taffy and peanut butter together sounds awesome and all, but these bad boys are really only a half step above the generic orange-and-black-wrapped treats that no one seems to know the name of. Kids hate these, and we don't care if you're saving a few extra bucks, you're ruining the night for everyone.
Ditto for Pennies and Toothbrushes
Seriously, though, what kind of monster are you? When The Fork was a kid, our dad always made us visit this guy Mr. Penny on Halloween. Yes, that was his real name, so his handing-out-pennies shtick was at least spurred by something other than obviously hating kids who are looking for a good time.
Turn Off the Porchlight if You Don't Want Visitors
A friend of ours from Los Angeles says that the past few years of trick-or-treating with his kids has been marred by a few houses that leave the light on and then angrily whine about the people at their door. Look, The Fork gets this isn't everyone's cup of tea, but you can sit it out if you just turn the effing light off—no one will judge you, we swear! They will, however, if you're mean. And whiney.
New Mexico is Blowing it
Another bud pointed out that, according to this map from candystore.com, which breaks down the most popular candy by state, New Mexico's most-bought Halloween candy is candy corn. CANDY CORN. Let that sink in—our most popular Halloween candy is that little disgusting nugget of pretty much just sugar that didn't even have the decency to get covered in something, stuffed with something, mounted in something or otherwise taste good. Get it together, New Mexico. This is appalling.
No, No One is Handing Out Their Cannabis Edibles
OK, this article about a New Jersey county is from last year, but someone sent it our way and we think it's hysterical. Granted, we don't have DEFINITIVE proof that it has NEVER happened, but rumors going around that crazed stoners are going to be handing out their cannabis brownies or suckers or whatever JUST HAS TO BE FALSE. First off, who's throwing away their money and cannabis? Secondly, seriously, who's doing that? It's not going to happen. Of course, make sure things obtained through strangers are not tampered with and be careful, but if this is a fear you have, you can just drop it.
People Love Over-the-Top Decorations
Everyone we polled said they love absurd decorations, so good for you if you have 'em, and you've still got about five days if you don't.
Just get the brand names, you guys. They're so cheap at Walgreens or Walmart or whatever other Wals there may be. Do it. Do it now. Do it or clean eggs from thy home!
Just always worth watching.
-We're hearing about ANOTHER cool mural at a restaurant, this time at the Coyote Café & Cantina (which, you may recall, is now open year-round). This one comes from Vela Art, a local muralist, and is a GORGEOUS coyote. First off, we're sorry for all the all-caps in this newsletter. Second, check this thing out:
-Have you heard about Delicious New Mexico? You haven't yet? OK, cool—we'll tell you all about it. See, we all know that so much food from this state is just insanely good, but we're also one of those regions where a lot of what makes our food special doesn't find its way outside of, um, the region. SO THEN, this-here new e-commerce portal is a one-stop site to buy, sell and learn about local foods. It's new and growing, but still super-sweet!
-Let us also regale you with the tale of Edible's Local Hero Awards, an annual occurrence that pays homage to the best food, um, people in New Mexico. Nominations are open now in soooooo many categories, so if you like what someone is doing food-wise, pop by here to nominate them.
-We heard a rumor that Bang Bite has been temporarily closed by health inspectors, but it's not why you'd think—it just comes down to running water. We hear they'll be back up and running as soon as they rectify the situation.
-We also hear that Ji Wang Noodle Shop (a restaurant whose allure we simply do not get because the two times we ate there it was AWFUL) was within a hair's breadth of selling, but decided to stay on and stay noodling. Good news, those of you who like that place. Sorry to us, The Fork.
-Mucho Gourmet Sandwich Shoppe, which you may recall became yet another Santa Fe restaurant through which an old person drove their car last month, has reopened. Go forth and sammie, folks.
-Our 2018-2019 Restaurant Guide (the original Santa Fe RG, the glossiest, most beautiful RG around) is out there now with our local faves, bits and pieces on eating and booze and stuff and soooooo many beautiful photos. Find one all over the place in addition to our regular issue.
-By the by, we're still mad about that candy corn thing, but not as mad as we are about these candy corn-flavored Oreos. It seems like we're always running into Oreos that shouldn't exist.
-We mean, who do they think they are? Kit-Kat, who does glorious flavors outside this country that actually work, such as strawberry and green tea and raspberry, and you're not sure you're going to love it but then you DO love it and you love it so much you just start freaking the eff out that our lousy American palates keep us sequestered in the effing nougat zone? They aren't that at all, Oreos aren't. Oreos aren't nothing.
-Meanwhile, over at delish.com, find recipes for food that LOOKS gross but probably tastes OK. A lot of them look like fingers, but there's a cat poop one, too! Cool, we guess?
-In legitimately gross food news, a New Jersey woman allegedly found all kindsa bugs in a sandwich obtained from Dunkin' Donuts—oh, sorry; just Dunkin'. Says Krystle Platzer, ""I took a bite and a worm came—I swallowed the first bite—but there was a worm on my lip and it fell on the Dunkin' Donuts wrapper." She allegedly also found all sorts of flies and gnats and larvae and stuff. Ick! Also, we'd ask you to consider how important Dunkin' is to New Jersey (not a joke) and realize what a horrific experience this must have been for Platzer specifically as a resident of that state. (Copy Editor's Note: Am from New Jersey, can confirm.)
-This is admittedly from this last summer, but we just heard about it now—Pizza Bouquets (which we know we capitalized) are apparently very real. We're not even getting married, and we'd get one of those.
-We aren't about to make it, but we did find a recipe for concocting one's own pumpkin spice that uses actual pumpkins. We admit we assumed all of it had at least SOME pumpkin in it, but maybe that's not the case. Either way, here's that recipe.
-And finally, for those of you who don't have children and can therefore do whatever the hell you want for Halloween and also the rest of the time because you're smart, we found a handy rundown of Halloween-themed alcoholic drinks. Some look like scientist stuff, some tap into your Harry Potter fandom, some just look like they'd be good for any old time. Regardless, you'll be the Grand Duchy of Partytown, USA, if you use this list and use it well.
The Fork is taking next week off to spend time with our cats and to make eye contact in the mirror with ourselves and scream "YOU'RE A LOSER!" But we invite you to send us love notes in the meantime. We're not actually doing that mirror thing—The Fork has a very healthy self-image. And anyway, we're mostly just a little tired. We'll be back Nov. 8, just in time to start talking about Thanksgiving. OH NO! Christmas is coming!
A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Fork's Correspondence
Number of Letters Receieved
*With some pretty good ones about how we suck!
Most Helpful Tip of the Week (edited slightly for length)
“Seriously, though—are you 12?”
Actually Helpful Tip (only slightly edited for content)
From the reader who rightly pointed out that straciatella gelato and mint choco are NOT THE SAME. “… At some point, US tastes went completely over to mint chocolate chip which is NOT THE SAME THING!!”
In this week’s print edition of SFR, not only is our cover story about the future of food (production, delivery, tracking and technology), get some tips on how to add mezcal to your drinks list including some locally available varieties you just GOTS TO try.