We assume you'll probably be grilling and running around with sparklers and stuff, so here are a few handy links to make your Fourth go swimmingly without resorting to xenophobia and name-calling:

Where to get a grill
Right here.

Where to get the best meats to grill 
Right here.

Where to find recipes for grilling for your dumb veggie friends like The Fork 
Right here.

Where to get fireworks
Don't.

Where to get an idea of the reason you're grilling and sparkling
Right here.

Where to see a song from the 1972 William Daniels (Boy Meets World) musical 1776:

Kitchen Nightmares!

Dedicated Fork readers will surely be aware that we've been obsessing over the Gordon Ramsay-led television program Kitchen Nightmares lately. Yes, we know it's old, but with his new show 24 Hours to Hell and Back (it's pretty much Kitchen Nightmares but in a 24-hour period), we've been thinking a lot about how restaurants can be pretty gross. So we reached out to some friends in the biz to hear about some of the nightmares they've maybe lived through. We'll warn you right now that some of these things are kind of gross, but we figure that if Ramsay—a handsome bazillionaire with an accent—can do it, so can we. Obviously we're not listing the actual places to avoid being the cause of people getting in trouble. Just be careful and aware out there.

"It really didn't affect anything, I swear, but there was a cat who lived in the kitchen of a place I used to work. People fed him scraps all day and he was pretty fat, but I never once saw a mouse or rat, so he was doing his job."

"It wasn't a place where I worked, but a city health inspector once told me that a certain local restaurant had been cited because they had this bucket under a sink behind the counter that would catch leaking sink water … and that was also used to defrost meat."

"I won't name him, but a line chef at my work is famous for not washing his hands. I think it's gross, but the guys in the kitchen think it's hilarious. I won't eat there."

"It doesn't seem to bother the cooks at my work when something falls on the floor—they just pop it back into the pan or onto the plate. I once called them on it and they were furious with me. I even brought it up to the owners who basically told me they didn't believe it. So gross."

"I can't honestly tell you the last time we actually refrigerated things like ketchup or cream for coffee in those little tubs. I wish I could care more, but a job's a job."

"Almost everything we serve is bought frozen from those bulk stores and the microwave is in use so much more often than you'd think. Almost always, actually. The markup we charge is ridiculous."
*Author's Note: Ramsay HATES it when people do this.*

But what do we do about it, Forkefeans? How do we know what's what? I mean, you could ask a server about what kind of food is being served, or you can just learn to accept it. The Fork worked in our fair share of restaurants, and a lot of them are pretty gross. Sorry. Just stay vigilant and ask questions and understand that just because a place opened doesn't mean it meets the highest possible health standards. Guh.

Also

-Speaking of kitchen nightmares, it turns out there's a cool class you can take from the New Mexico Restaurant Association that'll help you bone up on current regulations and stay ahead of the game. Interested parties can register here.

Rio Chama Steakhouse is doing this Saturday-Sunday brunch thing with $6 mimosas and $2 oysters. Don't say we never did anything for you. And yeah, we know about double-negatives.

-Santa Fe Farmers Market's El Mercado del Sur (that's the Southside one) kicks off on Tuesday July 3 and runs through Sept. 25. We hear there will be live music, free samples and cooking demos, free health screenings and more. Into it.

-Did you hear the fine folks from Ohori's Coffee have re-taken the space that was, until recently, Capitol Coffee? Remember when Ohori's was all up in there years ago? You know, right there on Paseo de Peralta and Old Santa Fe Trail? You know the one we mean? DO YOU? We're into it, too, because that's on our way to work, has some of the best local coffee around and, perhaps most importantly, is one of the more affordably by-the-cup shops in town.

-If you have your cannabis card, check out SFR's food coverage this week. Our intrepid food writer breaks down the best local edible snacks and treats. She tried so many, in fact, that we had to be like, "Are you gonna be OK?" (She said she would, in fact, be OK.)

-Perhaps you saw that food website eater.com did a neat video on Santa Fe's own Paper Dosa? South Indian food is where it's at, friends, so if you haven't gone, check the vid.

More Tidbits

-Also from the hallowed halls of eater.com comes disturbing news that Australians have a new snack that’s part donut, part chicken nugget. “Is it called a donug?” you ask. Yes it is. It sure is. Find out more here and don’t act like you wouldn’t try it. The Fork’s vegetarian and we’d still probably run a train on this thing.-A San Francisco bar now makes gin cocktails with fennel and arugula. What? Yup. So maybe while you’re drinking it you can think to yourself how healthy you’ve become.

-For Rosé Watch 2018, we discovered a handy crowdsourced bit on information about what the best rosés are according to popular wine ranking app Vivino. Learn more here, you summertime drunks.

-Just a little heads-up that while we’re all still sad about the death of Anthony Bourdain, Netflix announced they’ll be keeping episodes from his show Parts Unknown available “indefinitely.” That should keep you busy until his authorized biography is released next year.

Speaking of Bourdain and Ramsay, here's an adorable video of the time a young Bourdain visited a young Ramsay's restaurant in London. Note how cute they both look and how awesome they both are.

Finally

We wanted to leave you with a little information about how you should always ask restaurants if they’ll put french fries INSIDE the burrito you ordered. We know that’s neither here nor there, but it’s a thing worth doing. Life is short, y’know?

We also wanted to thank our readers for their kind words this week, especially Michael, whose favorite snack is literally a bag of potato chips. We hear you, man; at the Fork’s house we’re not even supposed to have potato chips anymore. We did straight DEMOLISH a Trader Joe’s lava cake last night, though.

Thanks as well to reader Karli who suggests dropping a jar of TJ’s mango ginger chutney on a block of cream cheese, chilling and then consuming with the cracker of your choice. Bazam, you buncha crackers!


A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Fork’s Correspondence

Number of Letters Receieved
30

Most Helpful Tip of the Week (not edited for content)
“I like snacks, why wouldn’t I? What are you asking here?”

Actually Helpful Tip
“You could be cited if you don’t follow the current food code regulations.”

Number of Emails Asking us Where That BBQ Truck Thing Lives
One, and we hope we helped. For the rest of you, it’s right at Cerrillos Road and St. Mike’s Drive within the parking lot of the vape shop. Report back to us with thoughts on the BBQ.


Make sure you visit sfreporter.com/food for our latest food coverage and make sure you give a follow to our food-centric instagram account, @theforksfr. We know we say that every week, but we really mean it. And we really mean it when we say you readers are so good. Keep it going and let’s be friends forever…forever…for…ev……….er.

We saw the best forks of our generation destroyed by madness,
The Fork