Hey, Bob? Aren't you the guy in charge of Santa Feans for Trump?

I guess I am …

You guess?

Yeah, our campaign has just been dealt a major blow here in New Mexico, and I'm still reeling from it.

A major blow? Your candidate is the presumptive nominee! It's in the bag. Your only concern should be how many idiots you can get out to vote for him in November.

That's just it. We've discovered the New Mexico Constitution bars certain people that we were heavily depending on from voting.

What people?


You're mistaken. Of course idiots can vote here! Otherwise, how would some of our officials have been elected? Like, for instance …

I'm afraid it's true. Article VII of our constitution, written more than a century ago, outlines who is eligible to vote and then adds, "except idiots, insane persons and persons convicted of a felonious or infamous crime …"

I'm stunned.

See, back then, "idiots" referred to mentally deficient people. My dictionary actually still includes that definition but says it's no longer in use and is considered offensive.

So why does this worry you?

"Idiot" means something altogether different today, so you could argue that the constitutional ban applies to modern-day idiots, too.

Modern-day idiots?

You know, people who wear flip-flops to the dentist, change lanes without signaling, watch Duck Dynasty, chew with their mouth open, clean their ears on the elevator, listen to Barry Manilow, start their sentences with "Anyhoo …" and support Donald Trump.

Watch it—I love Barry Manilow.

Then don't try voting in my precinct, you idiot!

I think I understand. You're afraid some fancy-pants lawyers for the Democrats will try to disenfranchise your supporters on the grounds that they are idiots. Do you think they could successfully argue that case?

Have you ever seen a Trump rally?

But surely not all of his supporters are idiots …

No, we also have racists, misogynists, homophobes, xenophobes, sociopaths, psychopaths, imbeciles, morons, cretins, simpletons, halfwits, dunces, lamebrains and numbskulls, but generally it's hard to tell those people apart from your everyday idiots.

What about amending the state constitution, to make it more idiot-friendly?

That's been tried several times, always unsuccessfully. One proposed ballot initiative, in 2002, fell far, far short of the required 75 percent. Clearly, New Mexicans still do not want their idiots in the voting booths. That's going to bite the Trump campaign right in the butt.

There must be a solution to this. Wait! What if you could prevent voting place officials from spotting the idiots? I mean, how are they going to know who is an idiot?

Have you ever seen a Trump rally?

You already asked me that. I'm serious. What if you had seminars for your supporters, to teach them how to pass for normal voters?

Hmmm. Go on, I'm listening.

Let's say you provided a facility where Trump supporters could come on Election Day, store their guns and knives, hit a punching bag to vent their anger, take some psychotropic drugs to calm down, put a rolled-up copy of The New York Times under their arm and then head for the polling station?

So you're saying, let them pose as well-informed, well-educated citizens, just long enough to vote?


That's brilliant! I love it! And can you absolutely assure me they won't run into any Mexicans, Muslims, black people, Native Americans, gays or journalists at the polling station?

No, of course I can't guarantee that. Why would you even ask?

Have you ever seen a Trump rally?

Robert Basler’s humor column runs periodically in SFR. Email the author: bluecorn@sfreporter.com