Last time Daenerys lost her shit, killed pretty much everyone she could with fire, and an entire generation of entitled nerds took to the internet to bemoan their whiny, selective rules over what does or doesn't make sense as if the show belongs to them. Give me a fucking break.
Seeing as how Dany used her last remaining dragon to torch every last man, woman, child and motherfucker from King's Landing, everyone is majorly bummed out. We open on Tyrion, all sullen and shit, as ash rains down into his mussed tresses.
"One thing's for sure," he thinks to himself, "this job fucking sucks."
Corpses litter the streets, and not even this other guy he passes can bother to say anything, because yo—this shit is fucked up, right? Anyway, Davos and Snow join my main man Tyrion, but he's pretty sure he'll have to go talk to Dany alone. He is her vice president. Or something. Who cares? All he knows for sure is, it took his brother most of a fucking day to get to Cersei in the last episode even though Tyrion freed him at night, and that's just weird.
Elsewhere throughout the city, Li'l Wormy is in charge of executions. He's angry, of course, because Cersei killed his girlfriend, and even Snow and Davos can't stop him from carrying out even more murder. From Snow's point of view, they already won, no more executions are needed; from Li'l Wormy's, these fools gonna get it. It's quiet … a little too quiet. But Davos, ever the optimist, suggests a chat with the queen. Li'l Wormy keeps on killing those guys from before.
Inside the wrecked-ass, once-glorious Castle of Rubble, Tyrion makes his way through familiar environs. He moves very slowly, and down he descends into the catacombs of catacomb-ness, ever afraid of how effing quiet it still is. He's clearly on the lookout for his sibs, but even he's gotta know they got rocked to death. Indeed, his suspicions are proven true when he comes across Jaime's hand. Real quick, how come no one told us we've been misspelling Jaime's name for the last 6 years? Thanks for nothing. Anyway, his brother and sister are dead, and even though he knows they were kind of a couple dicks, there's a pretty big fucking line between knowing someone's a dick and seeing their crushed body. What's amazing is how un-smooshed either of their faces are, but Tyrion doesn't have time for semantics.
Nearby in the city, the moon-faced Arya Stark observes the soldiers of Horse Guy-opolis prance in the snow and compare curvy swords. Snow's there, too, slowly climbing the stairs to talk to Daenerys and pretty sure he's effed, too. Somehow, Li'l Wormy beat him there, but we don't have time to parse that out, because the dragon appears overhead, still angry and still ready to burn fools who step out of line. And here comes Daenerys, grooving up slowly—braids back in place and with a slick-ass new jacket made of dark leather. Her army cheers, from the Horse Guys to the Helmet Bros to whoever else is around. She's pretty dang smug for someone who just spent a day burning up a bunch of kids, but whatevs. She recaps the way, though not in nearly as entertaining a way as the recap you're currently reading, and the dragon stands next to her screaming "FUCK YES!" in dragon-ese.
Li'l Wormy gets promoted to army boss because he ripped the most throats or something. He, too, is smug, especially since Daenerys starts announcing new plans to go out and burn people in other towns. Yikes. Behind her, Snow and Tyrion look at each other like, "Here we go again!" And a ripping guitar solo blasts out from the heavens. Arya is NOT down.
Anyway, Tyrion steps up beside Dany, who totally knows he freed Jaime. He doesn't seem too worried about it, though, because the freeing of a brother and the slaughter of a city are the freeing of a brother and the slaughter of a city, and never the twain shall meet. He quits his job as Hand, and looks her stone cold in the eye while she has him removed by her pals from helmet squad. Snow watches impotently from the sidelines; he's never been one for starting shit when he needn't, but still, Dany gives him the stink-eye before wandering back inside. Ba-zam. And here's Arya, sneaking on up on Snow to remind him that Sansa's still around, and she's gonna be big-time bummed on this new situation. Besides that, Arya is pretty sure Daenerys will kill again, and she cautions Snow that she'll never not see him as a threat. Wack.
Snow goes to visit Tyrion, who is curious about what's going to happen after he dies, and who also recites his greatest murder hits for Snow to hear about. Jon's pretty sure the way is over, Tyrion is like, "Uhhhh, I don't know about all that, BRO, but it's too bad we killed Varys last time, because that dude was right about the way this shit was going to go."
Snow tries to keep justifying Dany's choices, even though he said he wasn't going to do such a thing the fucking second he walked in the room, but Tyrion knows the truth—Dany is wack, Snow's kind of a punk. And is boring. And probably is super into plain Corn Nuts. And so the jibber-jabber continues because apparently these two jabronis need to come to an understanding even though there's not one to find. On and on the scene drags. Forever. Forever. For ever. For. Ever. FOR. EV. ER. And just when we're about to put on a better show, Tyrion reminds Snow that Arya and Sansa aren't gonna just sit idly by with this shit. Blam—right to the gut.
With this information ringing through his brain, Snow goes to see the dragon, who is napping in the snow for some reason (pretty sure it was implied that dragons don't like to be cold), and from there it's a short jaunt to the throne room, where the Chair of Swords glints powerfully in the cold, wintry light. Y'know, because it's snowing there now, even though yesterday during the battle it was sunny as you like. Or is that ash? It might be ash. Aw, who gives a shit. Daenerys looks straight horny upon reaching the chair and laying her grubby little fingers on it, pretty bogus.
And here's Snow, all full of rage and spitting venom, crumbs of those plain Corn Nuts spewing forth from his lips. He's here to ask for pardons for Tyrion and his other buds, but she's already activated her execution plans. She offers him the position of boyfriend/social co-architect, he pledges loyalty, and the making out betwixt the charred bodies of people who—OH FUCK, HE STABBED HER! HE STABBED HER RIGHT IN THE GUT! He had to, right? Right. Because he gave her a chance to be merciful and she wouldn't take it! Ba-blam!
But know this—Arya's gonna be pissed that she didn't get to kill any of the people she was planning on killing. Outside, the dragon feels it, and he's getting ready to do some stabbing of his own—flame-stabbing! Naw, just kidding, but the dragon is for sure pissed, and he comes barreling in to check the body and puff up his chest and shit. And just when we think he'll kill Snow, he melts the Sword Chair. Can't wait to read the internet's reaction to that shit. "Um, look, I'm not a stickler," some nerd will write, "but a dragon wouldn't have the mental capacity and logistical analysis skills to identify an inanimate throne as a force for evil and melt it. It just doesn't make sense."
Anyway, the dragon picks up Dany's corpse and flaps off into the mist and fog of recent war, ne'er to be seen again.
Good news for Tyrion, though, right? Now he gets to go on living, probably? Or maybe not, because we do this time-jump thing (which is illustrated with Tyrion having a big ol' beard now), and Li'l Wormy takes him out to the half-broken coliseum of Starks, where Sansa, Bran, Arya and a bunch of others are tenting it up big time and wondering where the heck Snow is. Meanwhile, everyone else is wondering why we need to close out this series with political discussions. There's no queen, there's no king, but these punks are about to select one. Everyone goes quiet until one dude gets up and says, "Hey, everyone. I—"
But Sansa cuts him off with snippiness; "Sit the fuck down, you suck-ass, assin'-ass suck!" she says calmly.
Samwise Ganja stands next and does his charmingly befuddled thing while he inadvertently invents a crude form of democracy. "Shouldn't we have a vote?" he says.
Everyone laughs in his stupid face while sucking the dick of monarchy before they ask Tyrion who he thinks should be in charge. Instead of spitting it out, he ruminates on being in jail the last few weeks, how he's been paying attention to things for, like, years. He waxes on what might connect people, and he lands on stories. Stories connect people. He thinks Bran should be the president … he's fallen out of windows, traveled by sleds, gained the ability to see through time and space and loves staring into space like some kind of fucking creep. Bran knew this would happen, because he can see the future, y'know? Everyone agrees he should indeed be King Shit, even Sansa who unilaterally decrees that her home turf will continue to be independent. And not a single person bothers to ask why Tyrion was ordered to keep his mouth shut a minute ago and now gets to nominate kings and shit. Anyway, Bran makes Tyrion Hand (even though he doesn't want it), and we're supposed to laugh about that, maybe.
Tyrion goes to see Snow who, for stabbing Dany, is sentenced to live back at the Night's Watch zone. He cant ever buy a house or get married, either, not that he ever really acted like he wanted to do those things. Snow, back in his old jacket from the first few seasons, is finally freed (as it were), and off he goes, back to the snowiest and coldest place in all the land. Of course, Li'l Wormy's stares are far icier, but Snow's got no time for that.
Instead, he visits his sibs who stand in an annoying tallest-to-shortest order. They all say their trite goodbyes and they cry and hug and it's just soooooo drawn out. Bran obviously doesn't cry because he's an asshole. Wah.
Indoors, Brienne flips through the Knight's Yearbook and adds thoughts on Jaime for posterity:
"Lost hand, stabbed so many, boned down all fierce on Zombie Slaying's Eve, and not with his sister. The end." She closes the book.
We cut again, this time to some monarchal boardroom, whereupon we learn that a scribe has been keeping track of all this shit the whole time, and he's calling the record "A Song of Ice and Fire," which, wouldn't you know, is the name of the dang Game of Thrones book itself. Woah. Again, we get more insight into the political dealings of the day, where that last dragon might be (or not) and what sort of municipal projects the people of King's Landing might look forward to in the coming quarter. Jesus, it's boring. It's so boring.
Back at the wall (y'know, THE wall), Snow reacquaints himself with the shitty bunks and icy, snowy crags and rocks and shit. What a fucking way to go out. Oh dang, but Braveheart is there (he likes it icy) and the air is probably pretty clean, so there could be worse places to be. Then it cuts to the various Stark nerds as they go about their business on ships and in castles and wherever the heck else the wind might take them. The music swells, Snow finally fucking pets his fucking dog—who is missing an ear, by the way—like a normal human being (there, nerds. HAPPY NOW?!) and everyone watching at home prepares their typing fingers for the oncoming Facebook whining onslaught. "Even though we don't own this, and even though we had no hand in its creation in any way, we're here to whine and complain!" they say.
A cheer goes up across the land, the various hangers on applaud, and together we bid adieu to this world, this timeline, this universe, this … Game of Thrones for Noobs.
Free! I'm finally free!
How they gonna spend a whole 93 minutes focused on whether ships are gonna get rebuilt and who writes down what about what knights?!
The Score (and I mean for the whole series, not just this episode): C+
I mean, y'know … it was fine. It was a perfectly fine series. I'm really more of a Cheers guy.