Game of Thrones for Noobs XXXI

Last time, the battle of the Wintertime Sadsies went down at long last. Some folks died (smell ya later, Theon, Jorah and that one little girl who got killed by the zombie giant but then killed him right back), some folks didn't (Bran lives to Nine-Eyed Raven around another day as do Tyrion, Sansa, Jamie, Brienne, Braveheart, Zoomacroom, Mandingo, Dick Smothers, Slagathor and all the rest) and the moon-faced Arya Stark stabbed President Ice Zombie so hard, he fucking exploded—which set a chain of zombie explosions into motion, forever freaking everyone out forever and ever, amen. But there's still Cersei to deal with, not to mention how we're still hopeful that elephants might show up at some point. As Samuel L Jackson would say, hold onto your butts—it's Game of Thrones for Noobs.

The Gist

We open on the Westeroes version of a Viking funeral, which is to say, we open on about a bazillion bodies being burned. Daenerys is eyeballin' Jorah's corpse and kissing his dead forehead like some kinda jamoke. It is no longer too dark to see what's going down in Winterfell, but that sucks pretty bad for Sansa who mourns Theon for some reason (we thought she hated him, but whatevs). She places her Stark-branded letter opener on his body, and those who live watch on. Snow makes a speech about the time he was dead, and how it was a black void of nothingness so devoid of reason and warmth that it would drive even the most resolute ghost mad.

"Don't forget these turds," he says. "They were shields or some shit."

Tyrion is down with that. And he's down with how everyone who died during the battle of ice zombies somehow died with no wounds to their faces whatsoever.

Samwise Gamgee, the moon-faced Arya Stark, Dany, Snow and so forth light the funerary platforms; we'd like to see whomsoever takes up the President Ice Zombie mantle zombify these fools now.

Anyway, it's grim and bleak and nobody is particularly pleased, especially at that night's feast. Lest we forget, Snow unveiled to Dany that they're related awhile back. But that's the least of these peoples' problems because Gendry is already on the lookout for Arya because of that one-way ticket to Bone City she brought him last time. And just as he's about to track her down, Daenerys is like, "Aren't you a Baratheon? That dude sucks."

"Word, but I didn't know the guy," Gendry says.

"Alright, that's fine," she replies, "but what's up with your hometown of Storm's End if you're here? Wanna be in charge?"

He does. Elswhere around the room, Sansa gives Tyrion the side-eyes, Jamie and Brienne get wine-wrecked and Davos' beard shines in the dining hall's candlelight. Trés somber, especially when Tyrion pops by to remind Davos that living people are worse than zombies every time, it's just that we're more used to them doing weird shit. Word. Tyrion also checks in with Oat-Bran, the 10-Eyed Raven who doesn't want anything anymore because his new life as a seer beyond time and space is a living hell. Everyone drinks and plays drinking games and accepts the Snow died once but came back to ride a dragon, because this show is fucking bananas if you break it down.

But we digress, because Dany's having some kind of anxiety attack, probably from remembering that Snow's a blood relative. She can't take it anymore, so, along with her bodyguard Varys "Matt Pinfield" The Spider, she lits out into the night. It's just as well, because Tyrion starts sassing Brienne about who she has or hasn't slept with. Yuck, bro. Yuck. And if that wasn't wack enough, it's broken Braveheart's heart because he has the hots for Brienne and is confused about what the deal is. Good lord, did we really need another slowed-down, feelings-spilling entry wherein people have boring conversations about nothing? Jeeze. Also, Clegane literally tells Sansa that he "heard she was broken in rough," which is easily one of the weirdest things you could say to anyone anywhere. Sansa's pretty optimistic about all the shit she dealt with before though, so that's kind of cool of her.

The party spills out onto the streets, but it's only slowing Gendry down in his quest to find Arya. He does, but she's celebrating her own way: shootin' arrows at shit. He tells her he's got a fancy new title, but he's not down with it because he loves Arya all hard. Ruh-roh, doofus, that's not really her style. She does smooch him big time, but is like, "I'm not a lady, sucker. Hit the bricks."

Back inside, Brienne and Jamie wind up alone in a too-hot room and start de-frocking (sorry, Braveheart), but the complete lack of chemistry is so off-the-charts that everyone in the whole castle can feel it. Ugh. And that's just the tip of the shit-berg, because we rejoin Daenerys and Snow in a different part of the castle to talk about love despite the incest angle. It might not work for Snow, though, especially since Dany doesn't want Snow to tell anyone else about how he's the rightful heir to the Sword Chair. But he doesn't like to keep secrets and she doesn't like it when people don't do her bidding.

The next morning, it's back to the war room for everyone because there's still that whole Cersei thing to deal with. The good news? People who had aligned with Cersei are dropping her like a sack of potatoes. The bad news? A lot of people are dead or sleepy. Sansa suggests a little R&R for everyone, but Daenerys is ready to slay right now. Snow, the tiebreaker, agrees to do whatever Dany wants.

Obviously this pisses off Arya and Sansa who demand a clandestine meeting by the Tree with the Face. Once there, the Stark gals are pretty pissed, and so is Bran, the 11-Eyed Raven, who doesn't even really have feelings, we think. Snow chooses this moment to let the other Starks in on his fun little incest situation, and everyone pukes all over the place.

Elsewhere, the Super Lannister Bros. are quaffing it up bigtime when Bron, the Baron of Chinstrap, arrives with a chip on his shoulder and a crossbow locked and loaded. He mentions he might be working for Cersei a li'l bit, and maybe he just might not be. Who knows? Or cares?  he breaks Tyrion's face right quick, and then he starts making declarations about who he's gonna kill if they don't give him some place called Highgarden. It's agreed, and off he goes into the night.

In the nearby woods, Arya and Clegane take a best-friends-forever pony ride and talk about what they're gonna do once they graduate. Snoozers.

Back in Winterfell, Drogon and Nogard (the dragons) fly around stretching their wings while Sansa and Tyrion spar verbally about whose queen is whose and Sansa continues her unbroken record of staring off castle walls at nothing in particular. She hints that there might be someone besides Dany who can sit the throne, but she doesn't just spit it out. Jesus.

So instead, we catch Snow saying goodbye to Braveheart, Sam and Sam's girlfriend, who is pregnant. "We'll call him Jon if it's a boy," the girlfriend says. "Fuck off," Snow replies. What a dick. In fact, he doesn't even say goodbye to the gigantic white wolf who is standing nearby for some unknown reason, he's really ready to just get the eff out of town.

At sea, Varys and Tyrion talk about the Snow situation. He's the real, rightful king, but Dany has dragons and shit, which conveniently fly in at the moment they make landfall. Ah, Dragonopolis, a town where—oh shit, someone just straight up killed one of those dragons! Shot it right out of the sky! Aw, fuck, it's Uncle Greyjoy, and his boats have all got newly minted spear-blasting dragon-guns on 'em! Dany is obvs pissed and sad, especially when it turns out the dragon guns can take out ships just as easily as they can take out dragons. Shitty news indeed.

In gross news, we return to King's Landing just in time to see Cersei promising Uncle Greyjoy that he can impregnate her at some point. Even worse? She's got Missandei, and that's gonna piss off what's-his-face … the boyfriend? Li'l Wormy? Can't remember the name. Sawwy.

Meanwhile, in Dragonopolis, Varys and Tyrion try real hard to get Daenerys to think with a more level head. She's pissed because she's now down to one dragon left. As we've learned before, she's pretty ready to kill anyone at the drop of a hat. More Varys and Tyrion discussion behind closed doors wherein stuff they've already discussed is re-discussed. Maybe Snow would make a good king, maybe he wouldn't, blah blah blah blah blah. And then Varys introduces the next video on 120 Minutes; probably something vaguely alterna-rock-esque (and if you know what we're talkin' about there, you're for sure of a certain age).

In Winterfell, news of the dragon death has reached the principal cast, and it's frowns for Brienne, frowns for Sansa and double-frowns for Jamie. He stares wistfully out into the night sky and feels his feelings too hard. He feels them so hard, in fact, that he finds the bearest horse and gets ready to hit the road. Obviously, Brienne shows up to stop him and shit on Cersei, but it's not enough for Jamie. He's one hand short and rememberin' shit about defenestration, strangling, sister-boning, et al. "Cinnamon, away!" he shrieks as his horse carries him out of Winterfell and back into the asshole hall of fame.

And so it goes that the people we're supposed to like and root for finally come face-to-face with Cersei, the Mountain, Uncle Greyjoy and all those other dicks who've had this reckoning coming for the last bunch of years. Of course, it's just a parlay (y'know, rules of engagement and all that), and Cersei's assistant plods out to meet with Tyrion.

"Handing ain't easy, right?" the assistant says.

"Word to that," Tyrion whines. "But you've gotta surrender."

Obviously, that's what Cersei wants, too, and she's not shitting around—if they don't surrender right this second, Cersei's going to kill Missandei right this second. Tyrion counters with something about how he doesn't want to hear kids dying (something we can all agree on) and then walks right up to the castle wall to look his sister in the eye. All the archers and dragon-gun-shooters aim for him, and the two Lannisters enter a pretty for real staring contest. And just when we think Cersei's gonna kill her brother, she doesn't. Maybe she's gone soft or something? Tyrion implores her to just stop it already, but she's more interested in killing Missandei in front of her boyfriend. Ice. Fucking. Cold. Daenerys doesn't appreciate it, either. And Cersei smiles at everyone like the asshole she truly is.

The Good
Ummm …

The Bad
We're really ready for them to get on with it. So much of this week's dialogue was like the show reminding us of stuff we already know and don't need to be reminded.

The Grade: C
We'd really like it to move along at this point. Sorry, we just would.