The Naked Truth

Does size matter?

Whether it be dick size, pants size, bra size or even a size queen, size seems to be continuously on the minds of my readers. In a world where most things are defined as too big or too small, though, can I really blame them? Nope. But I sure hope I can give these readers a gentle nudge toward knowing which issues are real and which we’ve been sold as collective truths that are—you guessed it—bullshit.

I am a plus-sized woman, and my partner is very thin. I feel especially uncomfortable with it when we have sex. He says he loves my body, but I can’t help feeling like he’d love it more if I were thin. Am I wrong?

-Too Big to Love

As a fellow plus-sized woman, TBTL, I can genuinely appreciate how you feel. Our thin-obsessed society has no doubt drilled the message into your head that you must lose weight to be loved. I’m sure you’ve met a man or two along the way as well who fetishized your body and/or wanted to fuck you in private and not claim you in public. Lord knows I have.

This stuff doesn’t just disappear, sadly. It lives inside of you. Is it any wonder you find it hard to believe someone when they say they love your body when the vast majority of media seemingly only celebrates the thin? But I want you to ask yourself, is this your issue?

The collective so-called truth into which we’ve all unfortunately bought is that size difference in romantic relationships is somehow weird or uncommon. Next time you go downtown in Santa Fe—or better yet, in a big city—I want you to look around and take note of the couples you pass on the street. Does the narrative hold up? Sometimes we get so wrapped up in what we think is true, we don’t notice how the world around us is constantly refuting our preconceived notions.

I also want you to run, not walk, to follow Alicia Mccarvell (@aliciamccarvell) on Instagram. She and her fit-as-a-motherfucking-fiddle husband post and speak about size discrepancies regularly, and although they are in a beautiful and loving place now, it was a long, hard road with plenty of bumps along the way that I think will truly resonate with you.

For now, maybe if it feels impossible to love yourself, but this man loves you and your body, let him help you. How much better would it be to let him show you what he loves, especially during sex, than resigning yourself to the idea he’d love your body more if it were smaller? I want you to open yourself up to the possibility that this is not true. And in case the Lizzos of the world haven’t made it clear, plus-sized women are some of the most desired and sought-after women. Carry that energy with you. I know it’s incredibly difficult and comes with its own discomfort, but the way I see it, time will pass anyway, why not spend it working toward revolution?

I want to get a cock rating, but I think I’m small compared to most. Should I do it, or will it make me feel worse about myself?


For those who haven’t dabbled in or heard of the term, cock ratings are a relatively new phenomenon happening in the online sex work sphere. In short, so to speak, one party sends a dick pic to a sex worker who, in turn, describes what they think about said dick. According to online creator space, “a dick rating is where a sex worker tells a man exactly what she thinks about his penis…It usually comes in the form of a rating out of 10, plus a critique based on a range of characteristics.”

As a side note, this is very gender-conforming way to put it. In reality, anyone with a dick can get a rating; anyone getting paid can give one. Make sense? Good!

As for you, DIER, I actually think you should get multiple cock ratings. After having sex for the last two decades, I can confidently say there is no “most” to compare yourself to in terms of size—yet another universally accepted truth that is anything but. This is why a cock rating is so great—it’s not just about size so much as it’s about the whole shebang. You will absolutely receive positive feedback in some form, which it sounds like your heart and dick might need right now.

For the rest of you wanting to see where your pipe lies on a scale of 1-10, check out your favorite online sex work communities. Pro tip, though? Most content creators who give cock ratings will include that info in their bios, so make sure you’re in the right place before you hit the subscribe button.

So then...does size really matter? Seems that for most of my readers, what might help most is a little bit more self-love, compassion and acceptance. One size does not fit all, and that’s what makes us all beautiful. I’m sorry the world has told you differently for so long.

Layla Asher is a local sex worker on a mission to spread radical self love to her community and the world. Want to ask your local sex worker their expert opinion on something? Let’s start a sex positive conversation that keeps respect and confidentiality at the forefront and judgment a thing of the past. Submit questions to and include an alias that protects your anonymity.

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